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Entering the light within my mind.....
17 May 2003 - Escape and Jessie's kindness
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I am escaping for a few days. I am going home. Macay comes home on Sat. I want to see her. Didee has been harrassing me to come home and visit her forever. I also need to get away from the roomies. Maybe I am imagining things. Maybe its my anxiety coming back. Maybe its the start of another depressive moment. I dunno. But I feel like everyone is out to get me. Well.. not everyone. Just the roommates. And not really all of them either. Jessie has been nicer to me in the last two weeks than I have noticed in a long long time. Like seriously. We've hung out and done soo much together, I must say it has been really nice. The other two.. well.. Ang has decided that I am cruel and uncaring. Kate has decided that my shear presence is enough to offend her at all times. I dont really know what I did either. Well.. I know what caused the uncaring comment from Ang, but it was said in the best interests of all parties involved considering the problems we have had with the person it was said about. I dont want to be blamed for any problems that might arise from the event occuring with this person, and I dont think that the rest of us should be liable for blame either, considering. We've been blamed for things before and unjustly so. The claims are always brought up to a third party (though, still a member of our group) who doesnt know what happened and is forced to defend the person who is being blamed. Generally it is this person's fault and he/she is just looking to blame someone other than his/her self. But anyway, I said I didnt want to have anything to do with this event with this person, if I could avoid it and Ang called me cruel and uncaring, without a heart, without letting me give my reasons. When I tried to explain, she and Justin both looked at me like I wasnt worthy of the effort it would take to spit on me. Yea... so I need to get away. Right now I am torn. Jessie asked me to rent anime with her this weekend, and she wants to watch Card Captor Sakura with me next week when it comes, but I want to get away from the other two. I feel bad telling her no, considering how much she has asked me and stuff, but I feel I need to get away. I havent even told Jessie that I am leaving. I have packed my suitcase and will load it up tomorrow when I goto babysit. I might be gone only a night, or it might be a week. I havent decided yet. I just know that I wont be back tomorrow. Ill have my cell with me and Ill be at Nancys. Ill also have my laptop with me to get online. I just wont be at the apartment in Ames. Ang left for the weekend, but I dont know when she will be back. Kate is back after being gone two days. I dont know when she will be leaving again. But anyway. I am escaping to home. People know how to reach me. Thats pretty much all I am going to say on the matter. Julian read my post from the last time and correctly guessed who the guy was. Though I still wont say. He told me he would tell him to get on it (or me, which ever came first). I told him not to. Well.. its not that I wont want anything to happen. Its just that, like from experiance, being forced, or harrassed about it generally has a negative effect. Specially when its a guy. Girls being harrassed.. isnt so bad. Guys getting harrassed... bad. If the feelings are mutual between this guy and me.. well.. then why the hell not try something out. If they arent, well I am not going to lose sleep over it. And I told Julian this. Besides.. I dont think Ill see this guy until next fall anyway.. even though he does live only 20 minutes away from here. He works full time, Ill be starting classes again, and I really need to find a job for outside of that time, so timewise.. things suck. But anyway. I have to babysit at 8AM tomorrow. It is currently 215AM. It is an hr drive from Ames to where I babysit in Des Moines. So I have to leave at 7AM. I have to get up before then to get ready to leave, so my alarm is set for 630AM (Dear God let me wake up and get up with the alarm and not hit the snooze). But anyway.. I should get to bed as a result. I hope everyones finals go well or went well. I will talk to some of you later when I get home. Goodnight All!
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Leaving the light within my mind...
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