Yeah, its been awhile. Oh well.Be warned. I am going to bitch. And it's going to be long.
I feel like a burden to everyone. And it makes me depressed and angry at the same time. So many things I notice that people dont realize they do. So many things that I know that I do that everyone else is doing too, but its not okay for me to do them, but it is for them.
Di moved in in Aug. I wish she never had. It was better when she just stopped over to visit sometimes. I said to Ang when we moved in a year ago that I was happy it was us and that Di wasnt living with us. Cause shes fine in small doses, but really, I cant stand her. Shes like Tim. Sure.. shes a "friend" but not really. Shes a mondo bitch and if things dont go the way she thinks they should (Just ask me about the various shopping trips we've been on), she freaks out and blames everyone. But its no ones fault. I took some stuff into her room last week that shed left in the living room cause I was cleaning. Tonight she chooses to come into my room and yell at me cause I'm "invading her privacy" cause she "can pick up after herself" but the problem is, she doesnt. She leaves her shit all over. But she swears she doesn't. But shes wrong. I'm gonna start taking pictures. As proof. Her dirty old (replaced) shoes have disappeared as well. (She wore them all summer and got them all nasty and she went out and bought new ones in Aug for this year.) But I had nothing to do with it. But everyone is blaming me, cause Im the one who cleans (the ONLY one who cleans). But I didnt touch them. When I left for class this morning, I thought Ang was home, so I left the door unlocked. Turns out that everyone left before I got up, so I left the door unlocked for however long. But Justin stopped by.. why he didnt lock up when he left and he knew we were all gone is beyond me.. he has a key. So.. yeah. Now her shoes are missing, and its partly my fault cause I left the door open, but partly hers for not keeping her shoes that she never wears in her room. "They were dirty" "I wanted to clean them" Then do it. Dont leave them there for months. I told her tonight when she accosted me that I was going to keep going in her room. To get dishes, to bring her her mail, to put her crap back in her room. Why should I have to clean around her stuff? Why should I leave a load of dishes in the dishwasher to wait till I see her again to get the dirty ones out of her room? Why should we have to hang onto her mail cause shes not there? We, I, shouldn't. Yeah. I'm angry. She doesnt realize that shes not the only one who lives in the apartment. She thinks its okay to stay up to all hours of the night and keep the rest of us up with her incessint (sp?) talking to herself. Or her singing (my god.. cats in heat on a fence are better than she). She gets up at 5am to go running in the morning (more power to her for wanting to exercise), but she slams the cupboards and runs up and down the hall (which if you all have been in the aparment is like a heard of elephants stampeeding through the grand canyon... Its a loud echoing sound...). It's okay for her to leave her shit out int he living room cause shes "busy". Right... so are the rest of us... we might not have the same schedule as she does, but we are all doing something.. and we can get our shit back to our rooms. I dont know how JR can stand her. She must be really good in bed. Thats about all I can say on that subject. I'm tired of being told how to eat as well. Yes, I am overweight. But it is genetic. It has been proven. If you look at everyone of my relatives, you will see that we are ALL overweight. I realize that it worse because I am hypoglycemic. But I dont want to be told what I can and cannot eat. What is healthy and what is not healthy. When I should and should not eat. Ive been hypoglycemic my whole life. I've dealt with it since I was 8. It was so bad when I was a kid that I had to be medicated and have a restricted diet. Well.. not so restricted, but like, I had to eat at certain times, and certain things at certain times, but like the 3 main meals could be whatever and however much and whenever I wanted. Just I had to eat certain snacks at certain times. But apparently I'm not hypoglycemic, cause I dont have the "symptoms" that Di has (yeah.. she has one of those, I wont eat, and I will exercise until I get soo sick I pass out, cause I want to lose weight, hypoglycemic disorders). Umm.. right.. I still have my blood specialists number.. if you would like to call her and verify it, you can. I realize I dont always make the best choices when it comes to food.. but that doesnt give Di the right to tell me EVERYDAY about it. Telling me over and over is not going to make me change. Its going to make me more resistant. Its going to make me hate you.
Ang has decided that I should be the kicking post. Again. Last year there were issues with Shane and etc.. I was uber stressed and very upset. Sooo.. yeah.. Shane's been gone all summer (he was at home). Well.. he came over on Monday for the first time in forever and we were babysitting for a friend and Ang comes out and is playing Cher really loud. She's like hey Beth, and I'm like what and she's like, do you recognize this and I'm like yeah, its Cher. So she's like, if only Kate was here... Yeah.. Not cool. Last year, yes, I liked Shane. He knew it. Nothing happened. We are friends. It's all good. Kate and Ang made my life hell. Making up songs to Cher and always singing them when I was around. Always poking fun at me when Shane was around. The occasional harrassment is okay, cause it's all in fun.. but all the time.. not okay. So yeah, Shane is in the living room and he's really confused cause he doesnt know what Ang is talking about. I'm not about to tell him, cause really, he doesnt need to know. Ang has also decided that she is the only one who can make apartment decorating decisions. When we moved in, we had the living room setup a certain way (Ya know.. the people moving your shit in says "Where do you want this?" and you say Anywhere.. so.. yeah.. it goes anywhere) So after Xmas we rearranged to "open up the living room". It has stayed in that setup since. She then decided that she wanted to rearrange the living room AGAIN when Kate moved out, cause then we would know how much space we had to work with. Well.. that idea got canned cause it would "close off the living room". Well.. earlier this summer Ang bought an outamon (sp?). Now, I find it and her nintendo chair blocking off the entrance to the living room. We didnt rearrange the living room cause it would "close it off" and she doesnt want to rearrange it when xmas comes so we can put up a tree (but it's going to happen, even if I have to do it myself). But it's okay for HER to close it off by putting furniture there. Umm yeah.. what the hell? Also, more furniture issues have occured. Di had a dresser (well.. she still does), and she wanted to get it out of her room cause she doesnt like it. Well, she asked me to help her take it to goodwill. Fine, I can do that, really, I dont have a problem with it. So, she put it in the living room. Ang comes home and shes really pissed that it's out there. Cause well.. we dont have room for it to just sit in the living room. Justifiable. Well she throws a fit and Di explains why it's out there. Ang suddenly decides that we need to keep it, and put it in the kitchen (that is non existant.. we have a hallway that just happens to have kitchen appliances in it). She thinks we should put food in it, cause our food shelf is full. (Well.. not really.. and it wouldnt be if she would just keep her shit in her rolly cart, where she has space, that we HAVE to have in the kitchen/hallway) Well.. there is no wall space. Seriously. From one end of the wall to the other, is the shelf, her rolly cart, and some side table of hers that was broken (at the time it still was, but she fixed it). She wants to move the table and put the dresser there. Where is the table going? "I have to fix it" That wasn't what I asked. Where is the table going? "I have to fix it" Okay.. not grasping the concept are we. We dont have the space. We dont have space in the living room for it, and we definately dont have space on that wall for it. Even if we switch it out with the table to make room.. we dont have room for the table then. Well.. since I'm being "difficult" and trying to "make trouble" and I "dont know what Im talking about", she and Di blew me off. Well I had to goto class. When I got home, the table was back in it's spot and the dresser had been moved out of the living room. While I was gone, they had discovered that, wow, we dont really have room, and Beth was right. But, alas, I'm an idiot, what do I know?
I put a lot on my computer. I hid my 3 hole punch. Yes, I am a bitch. But I would like to be asked for the usage of my things. That way if I need them, I can have a chance to say why and I dont have to wait for it to come back, or go find it if its left my room. Jessie doesnt use my computer, she has her own.. hell, she has two of them. Di doesnt use my computer, she has her own.. which is always on.. always playing country music over winamp.. always driving Jessie and me insane. But Ang.. well.. Ang has her own computer. But its a piece of shit. Well.. it wouldnt be, but she refuses to let me fix it, cause she would be downgrading. And while that sucks.. with her machine.. its a necessity. She has 32 MB RAM, and a 1 GB hard drive, on a P1 166Mhz (now for those of you not computer savy.. thats damn slow and dinosaur-like). But she's running Win 98. She has 4 programs installed. Win98, Office 2000 Pro (cause she HAD to have it), IE 6.0 (It was a windows update), and Norton AV 2003 (bastard Norton wouldnt let me just reinstall 2002). Norton is the only program that starts on startup. It takes 5 minutes for it to startup.. then another 5 to finish loading (if you try to use it before it finishes loading, you have to restart, cause it'll freeze). Then.. if she's lucky.. she can use her machine for 10 min before it freezes (RAM is a wonderful thing people... the more the better) So shes constantly coming in to use mine. Now.. this wouldnt be so bad if I didnt have this research assistanceship where I have to write code all the time, and I wasnt a CS major (thus requiring other programming material to be required), and I wasnt in charge of the choir's website (which constantly needs to be updated). But I am. So I need access to my computer. I dont want to come home at 530 at night to find someone at my desk, checking their email and telling me, "Im just checking my mail and a few class websites.. I will be done in a minute." A minute turns into 30, turns into 60. Yeah, I may see my computer at 8PM, the next day. I have stuff I need to do. So yeah, Ang is mad cause she doesnt have access to my comp anymore. "I wanted to use your computer, but I dont have the password..." Well.. you arent going to get my password neither.
I dunno what to say about Jessie. She got mad at me the other day cause I was "loud" at 130 in the morn. But I wasnt loud. I wasnt even talking. Di was. But yeah, it was me. It's always me. Cause I am the one who talks to herself, and anyone else who might be within hearing distance... NOT. First off, Jessie said to me not even the day before, that if she was in bed by 130 at anytime, it was because she was sick, or because she had to get up really early for something the next day. Well.. when I had left for the study group I was going to, she wasn't sick, and she did not mention that she had to get up early. So why should I just KNOW that she is in bed when I get home.. when on every other night for the last 3 years (when she hasnt been sick, or had something early the next day), shes gone to bed at 2 or later? Other than that, shes been pretty quiet. To me anyway. I know she's been talking to everyone else though. Things I have said to her have been repeated to others, when it wasnt necessarily her place to say them. Such as the people weekend problem we had a few weeks ago. Angs friend Ryan has issues. Lots of issues. And he spent the night one night cause he couldnt go home. Well.. fine, sure, hes a nice guy, I dont mind. Well, Jessie tells me that he is going to be staying with us indefinately. Okay.. well.. thats no so fine. Cause.. while I dont mind him being there.. a few weeks previous, I had spoken with my cousin Cathy and she was sposed to come spend the weekend. Di also had her family coming up to visit that weekend as well. So.. I was concerned for him, because he has issues, I didnt want him to be upset with all these people he doesnt know. Well Jessie told Ang (thats the ONLY person who could have since Jessie is the ONLY person I told) that I didn't want him to stay with us at all. But that isnt what I said, nor was it what I implied. I was concerned for my family, as well as everyone else involved, that there may have been trouble if he stayed with us that weekend. I dont/didnt care if he was there the rest of the time until things were straightened out, but I didnt want him to have another "problem" while everyone else was there, because everyone else was there. So Ang got mad at me cause she thought I was being a bitch, when I wasnt trying to be. Grrr...
I feel so.. used. I am the only one that cleans the apartment. Jessie has time to do it, but she doesnt clean, so she wont clean. Di is never home and is constantly leaving her shit around, so I have to clean it up (thus invading her privacy cause she cant clean up after herself when she IS home). Ang is never home either, but when she is, shes always on my case about something not being done. "We need to do dishes" implies "Beth, you need to do the dishes cause you havent done them in a week and they have piled up because I am not going to do it and on one else is either, cause its your job to do them, the rest of us dont want to" If I ask them to take out the trash, its like Im asking them to do it crumb by crumb. I already have it bagged and set aside to go out.. they just have to take it down to the dumpster. How hard is that? Arent I justified to want them to do that when I spent the afternoon doing dishes, vacuuming the living room, hallway, and my room. Dusting the living room, sweeping and mopping/swiffering the kitchen floor? Arent I? I have given the easiest cleaning job to them, and my god, youd think Id asked them to hold up the world. They say I'm "controlling" and maybe I am to an extent. Yes, I want the living room clean and etc in case people show up (as most people have a habit of doing at our place), so yes, I am going to return your shit to your room if you leave it out in the living room sprawled all over. Yes, I am going to go into your room and get the dishes to go in the dishwasher if I am doing dishes (you wont do them, and they are dirty, you arent going to use them again, so why shouldnt I wash them when I am washing the others?). Yes, I am going to put your mail in your room. Why should I hang onto it, if its your mail? I am going to be upset if you come into my room and use my stuff without asking.. cause well.. not only is that rude, its my stuff, and thats invading MY privacy. I dont care if you want to use it, I just want to know about it first. I tend to freak out about some things. But that is because no one even thinks to take my opinion into consideration.
No one asks me how I feel. How my day was. Ang gave me a hug tonight. Only after she realized I was drinking. Yes. I turned 21, and I started drinking. But I dont drink all that often, and never alone (cause well... thats just depressing). But tonight, I grabbed some alcohol out of the fridge and was walking back to my room and she was like whoa, why are you drinking? And I told her. I've had one hell of a week, and It has been telling me to drink it all week long. Everytime I opened the fridge I wanted drink until I couldn't remember what I was doing. She was shocked. She hadnt realized. She hadnt noticed. It hit her that something was wrong. But she didnt ask me what. Cause she doesnt really care. I dunno. I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like I can count the number of friends I have on one hand. Yet at the same time, if I were to make out a list of my "friends" I would have probably close to 30 that I would name off the top of my head.
Shane, Jessi, Macay, Molly. Yep. That is it. Less than a hand.
I am starting to feel like Julian has stopped caring. And that makes me reallly sad. Cause well. He was/is/something one of my best friends. But oh well. I guess people come and go.
I wish I could go. Far away from here. To some place, where I wouldn't have to deal with people who know me. Where I could start over. Where I could be myself without reprecusions. I ran to home in May to get away. But that didnt solve anyway, cause while people noticed, they didnt notice for the right reasons, and they didnt really care to find out. I cant wait till I graduate. I am moving to Chicago. Whether or not I have a job. I will be leaving everyone behind.. and I am sure I will be lonely at times cause I wont know anyone, but then I wont feel used, or a burden, and that way it wont hurt so much when people dont notice I am upset.
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