Ugly ugly ugly! That was a scream of despair. The despair was mine and the person screaming astonishingly reminded my very own self…Yesterday I've done the most ungrateful and unrewarding job a woman can ever do - sorted out my wardrobe! Which means - trying on EVERYTHING I have accumulated so far in my dress department and sorting it into three piles: to keep, to throw away, to give to charities...guess, which one was the biggest? ;-)
Women never really satisfied with their looks. Fat women – even rare then that. We could fool ourselves by finding other definitions (plump, chubby, stout, heavy, portly, large), but in the end of a day, it is what it is…plus the reality of avoiding looking in the mirrors, buying clothes in special shops and feeling uncomfortable in a swimsuit…why they keep saying that it is easy to loose weight, you only need to decide and then just do it? I found this to be a wrong assumption. It is relatively easy before you reach The Barrier. After that trying to loose some pounds becomes an uninspiring exercise and most of the time you just give up on trying…
Pensively I’ve browsed through my clothes…tried them on…remembered the occasions…it might be the best to get rid of everything and start again…new taste, new shapes, you know, inspiring stuff, not frustrating mix&match with the old one. But this is never a case, unless you happened to have resources that match the noble impulses and designer's urge…and realising that in fact no new clothes, however baggy they might be (two sizes above the one you need to “hide” the body folds?), would do the trick and make you instantly beautiful and healthy looking…oh well…time for some serious shopping – beware: here comes moody woman!
The whole unpleasant but absolutely necessary inventory exercise made me think of the concept of beauty. Those who are gifted with the natural one, won’t understand what I mean. We are ever so much more beautiful in our dreams of us then we are in a mirror…I could’ve say all those cliché words about inner beauty and such and still will not express the breathless quality of our internal image. One “little” detail though: we only see this reflection when someone else noticed it within us. You can hate yourself for being clumsy, ugly, boring, for any other uninspiring things, but there comes time when suddenly someone says to you: “you are beautiful” and as of a sudden you’ve opened your eyes and saw your soul…and love her. Then it is only a matter of time and your readiness to accept that you are that beautiful person the others can see in you…Oh well…I wish I can stay in my dreams forever – I’m not afraid to look in the mirrors there…
*** Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination. ~Marcel Proust, Albertine disparue, 1925 ***
Women never really satisfied with their looks. Fat women – even rare then that. We could fool ourselves by finding other definitions (plump, chubby, stout, heavy, portly, large), but in the end of a day, it is what it is…plus the reality of avoiding looking in the mirrors, buying clothes in special shops and feeling uncomfortable in a swimsuit…why they keep saying that it is easy to loose weight, you only need to decide and then just do it? I found this to be a wrong assumption. It is relatively easy before you reach The Barrier. After that trying to loose some pounds becomes an uninspiring exercise and most of the time you just give up on trying…
Pensively I’ve browsed through my clothes…tried them on…remembered the occasions…it might be the best to get rid of everything and start again…new taste, new shapes, you know, inspiring stuff, not frustrating mix&match with the old one. But this is never a case, unless you happened to have resources that match the noble impulses and designer's urge…and realising that in fact no new clothes, however baggy they might be (two sizes above the one you need to “hide” the body folds?), would do the trick and make you instantly beautiful and healthy looking…oh well…time for some serious shopping – beware: here comes moody woman!
The whole unpleasant but absolutely necessary inventory exercise made me think of the concept of beauty. Those who are gifted with the natural one, won’t understand what I mean. We are ever so much more beautiful in our dreams of us then we are in a mirror…I could’ve say all those cliché words about inner beauty and such and still will not express the breathless quality of our internal image. One “little” detail though: we only see this reflection when someone else noticed it within us. You can hate yourself for being clumsy, ugly, boring, for any other uninspiring things, but there comes time when suddenly someone says to you: “you are beautiful” and as of a sudden you’ve opened your eyes and saw your soul…and love her. Then it is only a matter of time and your readiness to accept that you are that beautiful person the others can see in you…Oh well…I wish I can stay in my dreams forever – I’m not afraid to look in the mirrors there…
*** Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination. ~Marcel Proust, Albertine disparue, 1925 ***