Don't we all have such moments when we feel particular lonely in a house full of people? I wish I'd have an explanation of this phenomena, but I don't. It rolls onto you like a wave of a chill and suddenly all the voices of conversation fade, all the motions pass unnoticed and you find yourself moving like a robot, doing usual stuff just because you've been doing this stuff all your life and your feet and hands just working together without your brains managing them...like a good team of employees under a good manager...a good manager is the one whose people know what to do without him telling them...my dear hands and feet, do me a favour, shake up, make a mistake, mess up the technological process, do something unexpected and stop the conveyer line, anything to make me awake and alive…
Another idea I’ve been thinking about: it’s strange, but the closer people are to us, the lesser they interested in us. My hb doesn’t read poetry with me, we don’t listen to the music together, my close family haven’t read none of my travel logs, neither any of my thoughts I’ve shared here…they seem to be satisfied with whatever part of me I share in direct communication…they don’t seem to be in need of anything more then that.
Now I have to be fair and say that I believe, I do the same for them. And I thought at first, this is the way we give each other freedom and space to breath…but is it truly so? Could it be that we are generally only care of what someone could give to us personally, and ignore what they can share with everybody else? Could we truly love someone and not be interested in all their sides?
We think someone is close to us when we give them “special” treatment something more then we give to the rest of humanity. But how can one be really close when all they know is what’s being shared intimately? I might be caring wife and loving mom, I might be good friend, but could I really say I know the person in all ways possible, if I am not aware of what they do when I’m not around or what they think on the subjects unrelated to our relationship?...do I know if they are good worker at their job, or excellent speaker in public, or funny entertainer for their colleagues or compassionate and trustworthy friend? Apart from my own, can I see them with the public eyes, for this is also a part of them, sometimes a significant part…
I know that what I share with everyone is not pretence, it is who I am. I know that with some I share slightly more then that and I know that there is something I share with only very few…I always thought that these are parts of me, so some would get to know more of me and some – more then the other ones…but it was always assumed when I let some to see more, they would’ve known everything else, that was opened by default…Not once now I found this not to be a case…not upset, but slightly confused…I feel how different people in my life know different me and none – the “whole package”…feels slightly uncomfortable, as if I’ve lost the completeness of me…
Another idea I’ve been thinking about: it’s strange, but the closer people are to us, the lesser they interested in us. My hb doesn’t read poetry with me, we don’t listen to the music together, my close family haven’t read none of my travel logs, neither any of my thoughts I’ve shared here…they seem to be satisfied with whatever part of me I share in direct communication…they don’t seem to be in need of anything more then that.
Now I have to be fair and say that I believe, I do the same for them. And I thought at first, this is the way we give each other freedom and space to breath…but is it truly so? Could it be that we are generally only care of what someone could give to us personally, and ignore what they can share with everybody else? Could we truly love someone and not be interested in all their sides?
We think someone is close to us when we give them “special” treatment something more then we give to the rest of humanity. But how can one be really close when all they know is what’s being shared intimately? I might be caring wife and loving mom, I might be good friend, but could I really say I know the person in all ways possible, if I am not aware of what they do when I’m not around or what they think on the subjects unrelated to our relationship?...do I know if they are good worker at their job, or excellent speaker in public, or funny entertainer for their colleagues or compassionate and trustworthy friend? Apart from my own, can I see them with the public eyes, for this is also a part of them, sometimes a significant part…
I know that what I share with everyone is not pretence, it is who I am. I know that with some I share slightly more then that and I know that there is something I share with only very few…I always thought that these are parts of me, so some would get to know more of me and some – more then the other ones…but it was always assumed when I let some to see more, they would’ve known everything else, that was opened by default…Not once now I found this not to be a case…not upset, but slightly confused…I feel how different people in my life know different me and none – the “whole package”…feels slightly uncomfortable, as if I’ve lost the completeness of me…