I’ve been thinking about how people expect me to be the same as I used to be Before. I am beginning to feel this pressure from others to see the same old me they always used to see…”it’s time to move on”, “when are you going to get back in life”, “you’re dwelling too long”…all this makes me feel I’m not good enough, that I’m somehow incapable of what I’m expected of doing. I’m not upset by this. More irritated I’d say. Who says when is the time for me to move on? Where is my schedule that says: from now on – you live as if nothing happened and you are just the same as you’ve always been? Why am I expected to be the same anyway?. The experience changed me. Not necessary to the worse, you know. I can never be the same as I was. I will be good. But not in the same meaning. And I have to take as much time for that as I need. I am aware of the others who started the same journey as me and “got over” to the other side long ago. And I don’t want to say – their pain was lesser then mine or they didn’t feel deep enough. But we all different and I am now so very much aware of how I feel. And I consider how I feel to be my guidance for how I should move. And if to reach the end will need more time, I will give this time to me. I own me that much. And if I never get there …well, at least I will do it with consolation that I’m been kind to myself.
Yet I still feel pressure from my friends, relatives. Expectations of me to “start to do something”. And I do not feel that I should. I've changed. Who wouldn’t? I didn’t reject my friends, I just hibernated from them for a time being. I have so much to sort out within myself before I can face the others. I used to be upset about this. Only slightly, but still…when everyone looks at you with a silent question in their eyes, it makes you feel uncomfortable. Especially if you don’t know the answer…indeed how long should it take, who knows? And who cares? I felt better when the other day I was talking to one of my colleagues…just socialising over the coffee break…and we’ve been discussing travels, etc, found few places we both visited in our own times…and then she mentioned something about “only now she feels she can bring in memory of a good days of that period”...this was about one of the trips she made together with her husband…they had a good time back then. And later her husband walked out from her. This happened 18 years ago…so here I was feeling inadequate about me not being able to get over something happened few months ago and she was telling me with a little bitterness in her voice, that only now she can think of her life of 18 years ago without negative feelings…
All of this made me think about how many people are out there walking with the wounds, scars, never truly healed…just because they do not carry them openly displayed like a trophy doesn’t mean they have none. How many human beings have broken hearts, hopes, dreams…how many felt at their lowest at least once in their life…ever since that talk I watch people on the streets, my imagination plays wild and sees them “through”, with bleeding hearts, glued parts, sore wounds…all well hidden behind the façade of normality…and I can’t help but think just how much we do not notice about those around us, how much we are unaware of…isn’t it just plain sad?...
Yet I still feel pressure from my friends, relatives. Expectations of me to “start to do something”. And I do not feel that I should. I've changed. Who wouldn’t? I didn’t reject my friends, I just hibernated from them for a time being. I have so much to sort out within myself before I can face the others. I used to be upset about this. Only slightly, but still…when everyone looks at you with a silent question in their eyes, it makes you feel uncomfortable. Especially if you don’t know the answer…indeed how long should it take, who knows? And who cares? I felt better when the other day I was talking to one of my colleagues…just socialising over the coffee break…and we’ve been discussing travels, etc, found few places we both visited in our own times…and then she mentioned something about “only now she feels she can bring in memory of a good days of that period”...this was about one of the trips she made together with her husband…they had a good time back then. And later her husband walked out from her. This happened 18 years ago…so here I was feeling inadequate about me not being able to get over something happened few months ago and she was telling me with a little bitterness in her voice, that only now she can think of her life of 18 years ago without negative feelings…
All of this made me think about how many people are out there walking with the wounds, scars, never truly healed…just because they do not carry them openly displayed like a trophy doesn’t mean they have none. How many human beings have broken hearts, hopes, dreams…how many felt at their lowest at least once in their life…ever since that talk I watch people on the streets, my imagination plays wild and sees them “through”, with bleeding hearts, glued parts, sore wounds…all well hidden behind the façade of normality…and I can’t help but think just how much we do not notice about those around us, how much we are unaware of…isn’t it just plain sad?...