There is something about having too many thoughts, they never get a chance to get out into the open…there’ve been a time of joy, a time of happy travels, and even a time when I thought I’m back in square one and the time of apathy, when everything that has happened didn’t matter anymore…It feels like a brief period of my life has sprouted out on its own, happened, came to his end and has gone…like an all-sufficient circle of sorts…there was a beginning and the end and none of what’s between didn’t make any impact on me at all…unnoticeable moments of my life...whatever
I read this on my DS site. Do you fear loving someone again or do you fear being alone. Perhaps it is better to have loved then not to have loved at all? Maybe it’s better to stay alone and not love or trust again. I know exactly what they meant. Caught myself pondering the same question, not once. Have noticed how my ideas of relationships have changed from lyrical into cynical. The word date brings to mind pictures of meal&shag and thank you it was lovely and no, you can’t stay overnight. The perspective of being wooed, courted, pursued makes shudder with resentment. Funny how when I used to be married, my head was full of romantic bollocks, candlelight, dancing, poetry and any man who’d call me sweetie would become a character from my dreams at least once …I can only laugh at me looking back now…The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. Yet bitter I am. It is not that I have no hopes for sharing my life with someone else again, but somehow I have no inspiration to do so. Found myself looking for excuses not to make myself available out there. Not ready yet. Not good enough. Can’t trust. Can’t be bothered. Still disappointed. I am wondering if allowing yourself to date unsuitable men is a way of keeping yourself single? Sometimes when we feel the pressure of society to be coupled up, we date men that we don't have a lot in common with, and then feel quite justified in saying "no thanks."
On the outside of mind’s business life goes on, as she should. I’ve been proud I managed to make some savings and I didn’t have particular purpose, but it worked out that the make/spend equation came out in my favour. And on a whim of a moment I was inspired to replace the windows in my house. Long story, windows are well overdue, they are like 50 years old or something – old fashioned aluminium frame, heating-bills-unfriendly and totally unsightly. Sure replacing them for modern double glazing is a sensible thing to do. If not slightly scary, as it’s the biggest project of all I’ve managed to do in the house so far. Still I went for it and committed myself for the challenge. And it’s all good. Was good as an idea at least…
When my young&wise lodger heard about the new windows, he made an interesting comment. He said that in his opinion me taking on house improvements instead of spending these money for my personal enjoyment shows just how low my self-esteem is. That I do not consider myself deserving something I could truly enjoy, but finding any excuse for not having it. Yes, perhaps, this needs doing, and so does that and a million other things I can easily find in my life, things that are not actually broken but still functional and therefore could’ve been delayed in sorting out. I have already lived with the attitude like this and it wasn’t that bad before. But somehow it is now, this time, that I chose to invest my money in the house rather then into something wonderfully exciting and emotionally rewarding for me…And the worst thing about it - I know he is right. I can see the way his thinking goes. I have replaced my perfect dreams, otherwise obtainable, with something that doesn’t do anything for me personally. Well done, honey, instead of reaching for the moon your now going to look at her through the glass. Double glass even.
I read this on my DS site. Do you fear loving someone again or do you fear being alone. Perhaps it is better to have loved then not to have loved at all? Maybe it’s better to stay alone and not love or trust again. I know exactly what they meant. Caught myself pondering the same question, not once. Have noticed how my ideas of relationships have changed from lyrical into cynical. The word date brings to mind pictures of meal&shag and thank you it was lovely and no, you can’t stay overnight. The perspective of being wooed, courted, pursued makes shudder with resentment. Funny how when I used to be married, my head was full of romantic bollocks, candlelight, dancing, poetry and any man who’d call me sweetie would become a character from my dreams at least once …I can only laugh at me looking back now…The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. Yet bitter I am. It is not that I have no hopes for sharing my life with someone else again, but somehow I have no inspiration to do so. Found myself looking for excuses not to make myself available out there. Not ready yet. Not good enough. Can’t trust. Can’t be bothered. Still disappointed. I am wondering if allowing yourself to date unsuitable men is a way of keeping yourself single? Sometimes when we feel the pressure of society to be coupled up, we date men that we don't have a lot in common with, and then feel quite justified in saying "no thanks."
On the outside of mind’s business life goes on, as she should. I’ve been proud I managed to make some savings and I didn’t have particular purpose, but it worked out that the make/spend equation came out in my favour. And on a whim of a moment I was inspired to replace the windows in my house. Long story, windows are well overdue, they are like 50 years old or something – old fashioned aluminium frame, heating-bills-unfriendly and totally unsightly. Sure replacing them for modern double glazing is a sensible thing to do. If not slightly scary, as it’s the biggest project of all I’ve managed to do in the house so far. Still I went for it and committed myself for the challenge. And it’s all good. Was good as an idea at least…
When my young&wise lodger heard about the new windows, he made an interesting comment. He said that in his opinion me taking on house improvements instead of spending these money for my personal enjoyment shows just how low my self-esteem is. That I do not consider myself deserving something I could truly enjoy, but finding any excuse for not having it. Yes, perhaps, this needs doing, and so does that and a million other things I can easily find in my life, things that are not actually broken but still functional and therefore could’ve been delayed in sorting out. I have already lived with the attitude like this and it wasn’t that bad before. But somehow it is now, this time, that I chose to invest my money in the house rather then into something wonderfully exciting and emotionally rewarding for me…And the worst thing about it - I know he is right. I can see the way his thinking goes. I have replaced my perfect dreams, otherwise obtainable, with something that doesn’t do anything for me personally. Well done, honey, instead of reaching for the moon your now going to look at her through the glass. Double glass even.