Today is the same as yesterday, just another day, 24 hours, 1440 minute, whooping 86400 seconds. Sometimes I wonder what makes a day different from any other one. and I found no other thing then our own eyes. Today is the same as yesterday. Only thicker. Dense like a cotton ball, impossible to thread through without making an effort. Some days are light and transparent, this one is thick. Just the way he feels.
Tell you what: let’s sit down for a cup of coffee and just share this moment of the quiet morning hours…inhale caffeinated aroma in the air, sip the bitter sweetness of a drink and have a quiet talk. And you do not have to say anything. Just share with me a cup of coffee to catch up the moments missed. Somehow I’m tired of not being able to share. Perhaps, it is a load of this day, the thickness of the air and greyness of the skies…or maybe the critical mass of keeping it all within reached the limit. Or perhaps, it is just a fleeting moment of weakness…do you want another cup of coffee?
I skipped my dance class yesterday. I realised that it’s been almost a year since I’ve started ceroc (a year? totally unimaginable!) and I also realised that I’ve only missed one class when I went on holidays last time. And this means that a year gone past and I haven’t been a single day off sick! Wow. I’m impressed. My neighbour laughed saying they might get too suspicious at personnel department, as people are entitled for sick leave and a year gone pass and I haven’t “fulfilled” my entitlement. I wonder if it’s true and they’ll suspect I’m not coming to work at all or something…nah, don’t think anybody cares enough to check. So yesterday I’ve missed my class and it wasn’t because I was sick. But it made me realise how good I’ve been all this year, so I have no guilty feelings.
I found that the more we expect from the others the lesser we get it. A paradox? I can say I never asked for much, yet this doesn’t mean I didn’t have some expectations. I suspect at certain point those expectations, although not voiced, still manage to put a pressure on people. There must be something slipping through otherwise how come they can feel it. The easiest way to deal with this is to build a wall. No presence - no pressures of expectations. And I’m talking not just pressure on others, but whether I like it or not, but by expecting something from another I am letting it to affect my perception of them. It turns out to be rather long talk…more coffee, perhaps? I definitely need some.
You see, by closing connections I actually protect more of myself. If I have a dead relationship, then it would make me feel bad all the time pondering why, what have I done, what’s wrong with them, etc. If there is no relationship, I can sigh once and let it go. I can feel whatever I feel, grieve or relief, but I believe, I make it easier for the other to be what they want to be. In the end of a day, nobody forced us into friendship in the first place, so no one has the right to keep us in it for the sake of good memories. And when a friend has nothing to say to me for a long long time…well, I think there won't be chance to hear more anyway. And from my previous experience I have it engraved on my heart – everyone has the right to make their own choices and no matter how I might dislike this, nothing I can do to make them change their mind.
I saw my ex in my sleep the other day. And discovered that he still has this power to unbalance my peace of mind. Why would he be there, anyway, I should be long way out of it. Perhaps, it was triggered when I had to get the divorce papers from the loft to translate them for some official requirements. Yes, I have been childishly hiding all the paperwork, old family photographs and what’s left from his papers on the loft, far away from my sight. Somehow it felt safer this way – no unnecessary triggers. And now once I’ve got them out…in few weeks time I’ll be celebrating a one year divorce anniversary…and a week before that it would’ve been my 25th of marriage, if I’d manage to preserve that marriage, that is. A silver mark of a quarter of a century…the irony is also that my parents have their wedding anniversary the very same day, only...exactly 20 years before us. ..and I'm stuck with this date in family calendar haunting me for the rest of my life now...gee, this sounds very dull, isn’t it? Perhaps, I have to organise a party and get the essence of the loss drown somewhere to the bottom of a glass…anyone’s up to share a merriment? A Marriageless Merriment. Fancy that! My heart feels frozen somewhat.
Tell you what: let’s sit down for a cup of coffee and just share this moment of the quiet morning hours…inhale caffeinated aroma in the air, sip the bitter sweetness of a drink and have a quiet talk. And you do not have to say anything. Just share with me a cup of coffee to catch up the moments missed. Somehow I’m tired of not being able to share. Perhaps, it is a load of this day, the thickness of the air and greyness of the skies…or maybe the critical mass of keeping it all within reached the limit. Or perhaps, it is just a fleeting moment of weakness…do you want another cup of coffee?
I skipped my dance class yesterday. I realised that it’s been almost a year since I’ve started ceroc (a year? totally unimaginable!) and I also realised that I’ve only missed one class when I went on holidays last time. And this means that a year gone past and I haven’t been a single day off sick! Wow. I’m impressed. My neighbour laughed saying they might get too suspicious at personnel department, as people are entitled for sick leave and a year gone pass and I haven’t “fulfilled” my entitlement. I wonder if it’s true and they’ll suspect I’m not coming to work at all or something…nah, don’t think anybody cares enough to check. So yesterday I’ve missed my class and it wasn’t because I was sick. But it made me realise how good I’ve been all this year, so I have no guilty feelings.
I found that the more we expect from the others the lesser we get it. A paradox? I can say I never asked for much, yet this doesn’t mean I didn’t have some expectations. I suspect at certain point those expectations, although not voiced, still manage to put a pressure on people. There must be something slipping through otherwise how come they can feel it. The easiest way to deal with this is to build a wall. No presence - no pressures of expectations. And I’m talking not just pressure on others, but whether I like it or not, but by expecting something from another I am letting it to affect my perception of them. It turns out to be rather long talk…more coffee, perhaps? I definitely need some.
You see, by closing connections I actually protect more of myself. If I have a dead relationship, then it would make me feel bad all the time pondering why, what have I done, what’s wrong with them, etc. If there is no relationship, I can sigh once and let it go. I can feel whatever I feel, grieve or relief, but I believe, I make it easier for the other to be what they want to be. In the end of a day, nobody forced us into friendship in the first place, so no one has the right to keep us in it for the sake of good memories. And when a friend has nothing to say to me for a long long time…well, I think there won't be chance to hear more anyway. And from my previous experience I have it engraved on my heart – everyone has the right to make their own choices and no matter how I might dislike this, nothing I can do to make them change their mind.
I saw my ex in my sleep the other day. And discovered that he still has this power to unbalance my peace of mind. Why would he be there, anyway, I should be long way out of it. Perhaps, it was triggered when I had to get the divorce papers from the loft to translate them for some official requirements. Yes, I have been childishly hiding all the paperwork, old family photographs and what’s left from his papers on the loft, far away from my sight. Somehow it felt safer this way – no unnecessary triggers. And now once I’ve got them out…in few weeks time I’ll be celebrating a one year divorce anniversary…and a week before that it would’ve been my 25th of marriage, if I’d manage to preserve that marriage, that is. A silver mark of a quarter of a century…the irony is also that my parents have their wedding anniversary the very same day, only...exactly 20 years before us. ..and I'm stuck with this date in family calendar haunting me for the rest of my life now...gee, this sounds very dull, isn’t it? Perhaps, I have to organise a party and get the essence of the loss drown somewhere to the bottom of a glass…anyone’s up to share a merriment? A Marriageless Merriment. Fancy that! My heart feels frozen somewhat.