Most of the things I say in my diary I would never dare to say in real life conversations, even with my closest friends. Surprisingly I’m never good in real life sharing, I tend to get too emotional and then the words would just get stuck in my throat and cover me with the wave of embarrassment and even maybe guilt, I am rarely confident that what I am saying is worth saying…I think that the purpose of the diary is to give a chance of voicing things that are important without saying them face-to-face. Occasionally I’d go back to dates that matter to me and see what I did, what I thought of on that day. It feels good to see a progress or just to smile at own silliness. The diary is for me and for me only and I enjoy every page of it. The reason it is opened to everyone is because even in conversations with ourselves we need to have a listener. Knowing that somebody out there listens to your words is challenging, if you use the words that you would never speak in real life. Yet it is liberating the same time. It forces me to take responsibility for my thoughts. Often after writing them down, I can see clearer their true meaning, I can see the lesson they bring. What I write in my journal is not my response to what people say. They are my thoughts on the subject triggered by something I’ve heard directly or came across by accident. I do not write for the purpose of feedback. When it happens, it happens naturally and I take it for what it is – a feedback, not communication. Thought, it is a good time to make this clear.
The beginning of a year is promising so far. Nothing significant has happened and somehow this feels like a good thing. Suspicious I have grown of the unexpected…perhaps, it is not ideal way to move on. But it works for me for now. Each day has something good in it, something bad and something really important. How often we miss one or the other aspect of a day, being consumed by one sided effect. What today is to bring me…there is no way to know. And the thrill is all in finding out.