Different challenges bound to happen all the time. Life wouldn’t be it without them. Some challenges we know to expect, others come like a tsunami wave crushing us, our beliefs, our worlds. And we are changed forever. What I often find amazing is that whenever we are under pressure and making effort to overcome the circumstances, the random twist of fate or consequences of another’s actions, we tend to think we had never had it that bad. Yet next time there will come another wave and it will be stronger then the one before and we will never remember just how difficult the previous one was. Mind has this unique ability to concentrate on the present. I thought I’m through with the biggest challenge of my life. Yet there are others much harder. One of them to be challenged with the situation beyond your control when the misfortune affects another. The One You Care The Most. There is only one thing worse then to watch someone applying all their efforts to deal with what life dealt them with and unable to help. It is for a mother to watch her child facing life’s unfair card…and despite of the desperate wisper to the four winds...I would gladly pick up and carry your cross instead of you…the choice is not mine. It is truly the worst experience ever to be help less to help someone you love. There are certain things you have no control over. No matter how hard and exhausting her life can be, any mother would, if she only could, gladly take all the hardships and workloads off her child. There is now a gap, a difference between “before” and “after” in my book of life. The before chapter was about my life that has only began with the newlyfound freedom to make it exactly how I want it. But the page turned and the after came harshly kicking out the door without knocking…A realisation that I have had my life already and a thought of I would happily give it up if this would give my baby the opportunity to make his life exactly how he wants it.
All is not life threatening of course. Some might say it's not worth mentioning. These are my emotions though and the state of my mind and I believe it is important to notice it and acknowledge. It is part of the acceptance. From all of the worst things that could have happenned, this particular one is “the best”, well manageable and well controlled, if you are determined to take control over it. Yet incurable to the present time. I think, I feel more upset about it then he does. Eventually this will all settle down and life will return to her normal flow bed and a small routine added to the everyday won’t bother anybody much. I know this not by books, but from experience. There is a bitter irony here: I’ve been through this before. It was significantly harder because it was unknown territory then. Yet I am acutely aware of the difference from the past when I was finding strength in the knowledge that I will be there to share the burden, to help, to be on guard if needed. It won’t be the same this time. And he will eventually have his own life and leave me with the mother’s worries for the rest of my days. Suddenly I thought I would’ve cope with this so much better if it would’ve been me, not him.
I’m not concerned with how he will cope. I know that he will be good. He is just that kind of person, my baby. Hardy and practical, in good grips with his reality. I’m simply a little blueish today. A result of few things going somewhat unxpected ways. Strange how each of it taken separately would’ve been classified as a tragedy. All together, everything just fills your space slowly rising from every crack in the walls, like a flood, claiming ransom of your own guilt for failing to get involved. The dramatic nature of theatrical tragedy has been dulled to the emotionless fatigue…things do happen and you do not necessary have control over them. And all that is left for you is the sense of tentative guilt for something you didn’t commit. Yet you didn’t prevent either.
It’s a Fry Day mood. And this Friday brings an end to the one rather exhausting week. And I feel too tired to even bother to be glad about it. But the weekend promises to be unusually quiet and filled with solitude. And apart from the awesome tango workshop I will be doing on Sunday, the rest of it should be the most needed rehabilitation time.