My World split in two. In one there is my child trying to cope with the recently diagnosed health condition, not quite managable yet. To add to the "joy" the temporary developed side effect makes his days painful and the nights even more so. It is a difficult journey for the both of us. And though we are slowly getting through, a constant worry and a sense of helplessness keep my heart in a tight squeeze and I wonder and I whisper in dispear when’s the end of it.
On the other side there was a big change in the making as I was getting ready to bring my parents to live with me. The plans were made. The dates picked. Transfers arranged. The tickets booked. Everything was perfect to a fault. I shall go to Russia, visit my beloved Saint Petersburg, breeze the air, meet the friends I haven’t seen for some 10 years and return to London, joined by my parents. It was oh so perfect holiday, a wonderful ending to yet another chapter of my life before the page is turned. Only few days ago I was making lists of presents I’ll take with me, making arrangements for my accommodations and happy reunions. And then a slip of hand of Fate has sent me in limbo. It shouldn’t be true, but it is. My dad was taken into intensive care and so far all the doctors can say about his condition –“ it is serious, but stable”. What the hell does this mean in human words. Few days of restless waiting for any kind of indication to when and how well will he recover and I’ve cancelled their tickets and change the dates on mine. Never mind the cancellations and amendments losses. Never mind letting go a dream to see the place I love with all my heart, the friends I miss so much. Never mind everything, coz nothing matters anymore. Except from the demanding big question of What Now. The condition of my father. The state of my mother. And where would they go in two weeks time, after the date they are due to vacant their flat they have just sold before moving to England. And I’m their only hope that will come and make everything good again magically. And so I shall.
The two sides of my life’s coin today. My two pains. My two worries. A permanent position of the loadcarier. And all the small in comparison things in between that I still have to deal with, financially and otherwise. And I walk in limbo between the two. And the rest. Stepping on seashells. Hiding from the world. Hiding from my own thoughts and fears. With the dull determination to keep moving, even if I don’t know where to. For I have this akward feeling that if I’ll stop, my world might just collapse.