first, this is really hard to type because ever since I finallypersuaded mom to help put decorations up, after she said we didn't even like them anymore anyway and I told her not to tell me how I feel, well, to make room for our tree in the corner of our living room by one of the windows, we had to move the tv over, and boy is that heavy, years ago my dad and momdecided to buy a big screen tv, which to me is a waste of money, but I guess since (and not to be mean, but it's true), mom is a couch potatoe and when dad lived wih us he liked to relax in his recliner while watching tv and eating ice cream with crunched up oreos in it after working long and hard, it's ok. That' like all my mom does when she's actually here at hom and notsleeping or eating, but right now the tv's on and she's asleep in her chair on the couch, the massaging one that she broke the handle to the recliner part. So we had to move the computer desk over, and so there's now only the stand that holds the compute4r and a vchair by it, so I'm trying to type with the kb on my lap, which is hard, it keeps moving, but it has plenty of room, I'm huge and so I have a huge lap.
these are what I want to write about in caes I forget, theweather and school, the party at school where I left off at last time, laxatives, good and bad, my mom and I how we've been acting towards each other, group, the nurse, and how I'm glad about what steve and angie are still asking for yet I still don't know if or hw to say it.
We did end up having school on Tuesday, and I actually had a really nice day, in my first bell computer class I actually managed to finish my math homework up which I fell asleep instead of doing, do a screen or two on this slide show with powerpoint, and sleep fpor the last ten minutes or so since I was tired, didn't care andwe had a sub, too. Then I went to that party, I ate one bagel with cream cheese, 2 or 3 donuts and three cups filled up to the line of orange jouice. I went to the nurses office next for my third bell class, said hi while the nurse was on the hone, in a daze headed for the bathroom, put the faucets on, and I threw if not all, most of the party food up. I then walked back out after drinking water and trying not to look like I just did that, then I went back to the nurse, when she was off the phone she said, Mary, I hope you're ok, you're not in here smiling like you usually do,she gave me a hug when I said I'm ok, (just relieved that I relieved myself) and then she said but of course you would tell me if anything was wrong and I agreed. LIAR. That's the one rule about eating disorders, you can lie about them, in fact, a lot of the time you have to lie, otherwise why havve one? Mrs. B wasn't there, eoither, but the day was nice and relaxing, except my throat hurt way after that purging, and of course, as usual I ended up being sick, I don't know if it's from the purging or the weather, or a mixture, or what. I do get sick a lot, and not only when I'
m thrwing up food or sick frompills or laxatives, I am 15 and I still get earaches and infections and a lot of sinus ifections, too. I'm really used to antibotics. And extra strength tylenol.
We had group on Tuesday,finally! I stayed after and got my math binder started and then Penny picked me up and there were only three of us, one just out of the hospital from trying to kill herself, who told me about an anorexic there, and that made me feel weird, like no! Don't tel me that! I bet she's beautiful, I wish I was her. I didn't say that to her, though.
Mom and I have been actually kind of getting along, like today, see, I went to sleep early for me last night and then sometime around three, half waking up, I think I heard a noise I started whimpering. Uh, uh, uh. And then mom comes in and wakes me up the rest of the way, going, Mary? She pretty much just got home, I was waking up in pain. She fed me some antibotics and advil (I HATE advil) and then I fell asleep finally by her, slightly waking up again when she was coughing to tell her not to cough on me, I'm not a tissue or her hand. I was very uncomfortable. BUt I went to school, late but excused, us first year Rotc's won the jeporday game and then we all took the test and I was the captain today, picking the categorys, 1 for 500 and stuff, answering them as questions, what is the ages 18-28, which the question was something about some average age of officers in the navy. I liked being the leader, I knew when we had to get off of the 100 points and start answering the harder ones,a nd how to encourage the team to keep reading and finding the answers. I felt my favorite thing, control.
So we started looking for the snow today, it was supposed to snow about 6 inches, and when it came, well, it wouldn'tquit and in like 20 minutes the snow covered the roof top and you couldn't see out the class windows, and well, the annoucment all of the kids and teachers and staff was looking for finally came, we had early dismissal, which is very rare! We all left at 1 instead of 2:20 and that was cool.
Now mom and I were getting along for a while there, but all of a sudden, well, Teri and I wanted to go to this store nearby to Christmas shop and mom didn't feel like taking us, she was trying to take a nap, and so we were planning on walking, got or gear on including good shoes fopr the ice the freezing rain left us later on, and then I reminded Teri we would get in trouble if we just walked ut of the door, and so we tried to ask mom for permisson, and she got pissed with our begging to go, and finally Teri went back upstairs, i convinced mom to get up swearing really hard and stuff, she came by the halway, I was putting the last touch on, my coat and all of a sudden I heard a noise right buy me, mom threww the phone at me! She missed, and I've decided not to whine and complain about her acting that way again, she's always kicked me, spit on me, throw things at me, but sice we were bugging her and she was getting ready to sleep, so I know it was well,like before when I've gpone for a long time with sleeping maybe an hour or less a night, mostly during the summertime, well, I turn into a zombie and then while I'm trying to force my body to sleep and I get woken up since it was my fault I don't sleep, well, I start yelling weird things and throwing my pillo at whoever had to nerve to wake me up when I really needed the little bit of sleep I tried to get in, so I let her go on that. But then since she was good and pissed and finally taking us anyway and told me to yell and get Teri back downstairs, I did, and she yelled back forget it I'm Not going! Mom said: YOU BETTER GO BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND DRAG YOUR *** DOWN THOSE STEPS!!!!!! Teri came down, very hurt, she's not used to getting talked to like that. I couldn't comfort her, either because I put up with it enough so it's like second nature to me, I've learned a lot of when to talk, when to ignore her, mom that is.
Ok, now we really may not have school tomorrow, I'm still looking for the wonderful words on the screen that say are school, then closed under it on the news, but they hardly ever close, except if they do, th next day after you already had to get up. So I'm finishing some gifts and stuff.
When I had that one weekend where I was crying which is very unusal for me, I never cry, mom told me a long time ago that my crying wpuldn't get any sympathy from her but would piss her off even more. So I really hardly cry, I didn't cry when I was raped, I didn't cry when mom and I were arguing, the last year or so the only few times I remember crying is like when I feel like I have to kill myself by thursday, for example. I cried during this one meetiong that was hard for me, but only because I've decided that night I was not going to be there by this day the next week which mom was yelling at me about, saying I had to have something done by then, and I turned around crying thinking, if only you cared, I won't e here by then. That week has came and passed though. That Saturday after the work incident where I ranout crying, after crying twice the night before, well, the morning before all of that crap happened, and I haven't said anything yet about this, I went in the break room while noone was looking and dumped out all of my pills, the laxatives and the other stuff I kept form previous prescriptions for the idea of maybe od'ing on them. I threw them away, I wanted to change, like the night I was depressed and wrote that entry, well, by the end of it, I was feeling better ina way, because the entry changed form I can't even help anyone to oh, my gosh I just told on a friend that wanted to die and he's ok now, or at least better. So I wanted to make myself better. Tonight when we finally got to the store, I bought a box of 60 laxatives, was going to take them tonight, but I will probably have school tomorrow and need to be as healthy as I can get with my stomacha nd ear and headaches and plain miserablty and congestion. I can't add bathroom runs to it, and I'll be wearing my rotc uniform, anyway, that's hard to get off, ess. a lot! so I'll save them, I already kissed the box and hid them.
Steve and Angie are asking me now a lot what the crying is about, steve told me he wants to look for a pattern, and he says it's a symptom of something that he basically needs to find out about because whatever reason I am crying for is something that I may not even know, it's hidden in me, I won't let it out. He theorized that mom could be part of the problam, because like 2 of the crying sessions involved mom in some way, so he thinks there's something about it, like I'm greiving about my mom, and he wants to help. I prayed one night that they would keep up on it, I don't want to tell them but I want them to somehow figure it out and maybe help me.
Well, now I need to take a shower, do my amth homwork and then get to bed, and to school, if we have it so that I can stay away from my mom who told me she loved me after taking care of me a little when I woke up whining in pain, which happened to be like right when sje came back form going "out" which means to the gambling boat. Goodnight for now, I feel pretty good getting that out. Whew! Oh, Bush id president! I guess I'm glad,... Paul, are you? Kip, please write me soon :)
these are what I want to write about in caes I forget, theweather and school, the party at school where I left off at last time, laxatives, good and bad, my mom and I how we've been acting towards each other, group, the nurse, and how I'm glad about what steve and angie are still asking for yet I still don't know if or hw to say it.
We did end up having school on Tuesday, and I actually had a really nice day, in my first bell computer class I actually managed to finish my math homework up which I fell asleep instead of doing, do a screen or two on this slide show with powerpoint, and sleep fpor the last ten minutes or so since I was tired, didn't care andwe had a sub, too. Then I went to that party, I ate one bagel with cream cheese, 2 or 3 donuts and three cups filled up to the line of orange jouice. I went to the nurses office next for my third bell class, said hi while the nurse was on the hone, in a daze headed for the bathroom, put the faucets on, and I threw if not all, most of the party food up. I then walked back out after drinking water and trying not to look like I just did that, then I went back to the nurse, when she was off the phone she said, Mary, I hope you're ok, you're not in here smiling like you usually do,she gave me a hug when I said I'm ok, (just relieved that I relieved myself) and then she said but of course you would tell me if anything was wrong and I agreed. LIAR. That's the one rule about eating disorders, you can lie about them, in fact, a lot of the time you have to lie, otherwise why havve one? Mrs. B wasn't there, eoither, but the day was nice and relaxing, except my throat hurt way after that purging, and of course, as usual I ended up being sick, I don't know if it's from the purging or the weather, or a mixture, or what. I do get sick a lot, and not only when I'
m thrwing up food or sick frompills or laxatives, I am 15 and I still get earaches and infections and a lot of sinus ifections, too. I'm really used to antibotics. And extra strength tylenol.
We had group on Tuesday,finally! I stayed after and got my math binder started and then Penny picked me up and there were only three of us, one just out of the hospital from trying to kill herself, who told me about an anorexic there, and that made me feel weird, like no! Don't tel me that! I bet she's beautiful, I wish I was her. I didn't say that to her, though.
Mom and I have been actually kind of getting along, like today, see, I went to sleep early for me last night and then sometime around three, half waking up, I think I heard a noise I started whimpering. Uh, uh, uh. And then mom comes in and wakes me up the rest of the way, going, Mary? She pretty much just got home, I was waking up in pain. She fed me some antibotics and advil (I HATE advil) and then I fell asleep finally by her, slightly waking up again when she was coughing to tell her not to cough on me, I'm not a tissue or her hand. I was very uncomfortable. BUt I went to school, late but excused, us first year Rotc's won the jeporday game and then we all took the test and I was the captain today, picking the categorys, 1 for 500 and stuff, answering them as questions, what is the ages 18-28, which the question was something about some average age of officers in the navy. I liked being the leader, I knew when we had to get off of the 100 points and start answering the harder ones,a nd how to encourage the team to keep reading and finding the answers. I felt my favorite thing, control.
So we started looking for the snow today, it was supposed to snow about 6 inches, and when it came, well, it wouldn'tquit and in like 20 minutes the snow covered the roof top and you couldn't see out the class windows, and well, the annoucment all of the kids and teachers and staff was looking for finally came, we had early dismissal, which is very rare! We all left at 1 instead of 2:20 and that was cool.
Now mom and I were getting along for a while there, but all of a sudden, well, Teri and I wanted to go to this store nearby to Christmas shop and mom didn't feel like taking us, she was trying to take a nap, and so we were planning on walking, got or gear on including good shoes fopr the ice the freezing rain left us later on, and then I reminded Teri we would get in trouble if we just walked ut of the door, and so we tried to ask mom for permisson, and she got pissed with our begging to go, and finally Teri went back upstairs, i convinced mom to get up swearing really hard and stuff, she came by the halway, I was putting the last touch on, my coat and all of a sudden I heard a noise right buy me, mom threww the phone at me! She missed, and I've decided not to whine and complain about her acting that way again, she's always kicked me, spit on me, throw things at me, but sice we were bugging her and she was getting ready to sleep, so I know it was well,like before when I've gpone for a long time with sleeping maybe an hour or less a night, mostly during the summertime, well, I turn into a zombie and then while I'm trying to force my body to sleep and I get woken up since it was my fault I don't sleep, well, I start yelling weird things and throwing my pillo at whoever had to nerve to wake me up when I really needed the little bit of sleep I tried to get in, so I let her go on that. But then since she was good and pissed and finally taking us anyway and told me to yell and get Teri back downstairs, I did, and she yelled back forget it I'm Not going! Mom said: YOU BETTER GO BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND DRAG YOUR *** DOWN THOSE STEPS!!!!!! Teri came down, very hurt, she's not used to getting talked to like that. I couldn't comfort her, either because I put up with it enough so it's like second nature to me, I've learned a lot of when to talk, when to ignore her, mom that is.
Ok, now we really may not have school tomorrow, I'm still looking for the wonderful words on the screen that say are school, then closed under it on the news, but they hardly ever close, except if they do, th next day after you already had to get up. So I'm finishing some gifts and stuff.
When I had that one weekend where I was crying which is very unusal for me, I never cry, mom told me a long time ago that my crying wpuldn't get any sympathy from her but would piss her off even more. So I really hardly cry, I didn't cry when I was raped, I didn't cry when mom and I were arguing, the last year or so the only few times I remember crying is like when I feel like I have to kill myself by thursday, for example. I cried during this one meetiong that was hard for me, but only because I've decided that night I was not going to be there by this day the next week which mom was yelling at me about, saying I had to have something done by then, and I turned around crying thinking, if only you cared, I won't e here by then. That week has came and passed though. That Saturday after the work incident where I ranout crying, after crying twice the night before, well, the morning before all of that crap happened, and I haven't said anything yet about this, I went in the break room while noone was looking and dumped out all of my pills, the laxatives and the other stuff I kept form previous prescriptions for the idea of maybe od'ing on them. I threw them away, I wanted to change, like the night I was depressed and wrote that entry, well, by the end of it, I was feeling better ina way, because the entry changed form I can't even help anyone to oh, my gosh I just told on a friend that wanted to die and he's ok now, or at least better. So I wanted to make myself better. Tonight when we finally got to the store, I bought a box of 60 laxatives, was going to take them tonight, but I will probably have school tomorrow and need to be as healthy as I can get with my stomacha nd ear and headaches and plain miserablty and congestion. I can't add bathroom runs to it, and I'll be wearing my rotc uniform, anyway, that's hard to get off, ess. a lot! so I'll save them, I already kissed the box and hid them.
Steve and Angie are asking me now a lot what the crying is about, steve told me he wants to look for a pattern, and he says it's a symptom of something that he basically needs to find out about because whatever reason I am crying for is something that I may not even know, it's hidden in me, I won't let it out. He theorized that mom could be part of the problam, because like 2 of the crying sessions involved mom in some way, so he thinks there's something about it, like I'm greiving about my mom, and he wants to help. I prayed one night that they would keep up on it, I don't want to tell them but I want them to somehow figure it out and maybe help me.
Well, now I need to take a shower, do my amth homwork and then get to bed, and to school, if we have it so that I can stay away from my mom who told me she loved me after taking care of me a little when I woke up whining in pain, which happened to be like right when sje came back form going "out" which means to the gambling boat. Goodnight for now, I feel pretty good getting that out. Whew! Oh, Bush id president! I guess I'm glad,... Paul, are you? Kip, please write me soon :)