It's like a secret code or something, the first one is this mentoring program I'm in now, because I went to the workshop we had today, which was esp. hard for me since I had to get up early on a summer day, but it was important to me so I did it, arranged both rides, there and from, had to make new arrangments because plans always change when you think that you have it all figured out, like you're case manager, who couldn't help it, get's sick and I, the only one who needed to know that she wouldn't be there to pick me up afterwards, was the only one that didn't. ok, so I'm upset about that part... I'll get back to today and the rest of the days soon,..
DHS is the department of human dervices where theyopened my case for the third time, or fourth, and I guess because my own counselors referred them to it, they are finally doing soemthing about it and I can trust them a little, unfortuantly I did something dumb the first time the worker, I forgot like the title of her job, but she's great, called after I got home, mom hung around me becasue she's nosy to put it plainly while I talked to her, and she asked me if mom has been going out, and I was like, um, well, yeah, she uh,.. it was her birthday yesterday, I didn't want to say what she needed to know, that yes, mom still goes out, no, mom does not give a damn the only reason she tries to have someone near me then is because if you guys stop by she could go to jail if you came when she's out, and I only know that's possible, or at least that that's what she believes and that's why she does it from her. She didn't actually tell me, but she always talks about things around me to people here at home, anywhere. The counselors filed emotional abuse on her, and today during part of the workshop we had to answer some questions are own ways, including what we thought emotional abuse was, and I skipped that one because I live it, and that's one thing I can't just explain or write down. There'd be too much then :(
The other one is the counselors agency, and it's pronounced like my mentoring program, map, I have the @ in the first one because that's what it stands for, at. It's a cool way to write it. I'll brb, I feel like I have no time on the computer anymore, maybe it's a sign that say's I'm not going to have one on foster care or something, not that I really believe that, but hey, i could happen, brb I hope,...
Wow, it's now Friday, well, not to me yet since I haven't gotten to sleep, 1:49 a.m. Friday, stilll Thursday night to me, I always get my nights and days mixed up thanks to my sleeping, or, lack of it.
I don't know how I ever manage to sleep, anyhow, I mean, I have too much going on, yet I never seem to want to miss a thing! Plus I love being at home while certain people sleep, it's so relaxing, like, I hate to say this but when my mom is actually awake and here, most of the time I feel like my blood pressue is risen, it's tense and streesful, esp. if she's mad.
Now back to Wednesday,... Ann, my mom, she was telling me to get off, that she had to use it, it was her turn, when I had barely gotten to use it t all, Not to be mean to her, but the facts are, and I'm not lying or exgerating, my mother is on eof the most selfish people, she's lazy and she just doesn't care about anyone but herself. She makes excuses up, and tries to make people feel quilty to suit herself, and she just plain hurts people, well, at least me. She puts on these big scary monster tough acts, by stomping, hollering and cussing, and hitting, yet she also knows who to be around when she'll ask you can I have a hug??? I jump when she touches me, even when she's playing with me but tapping on my arm, like poking me, I tense up really bad and she as noticed this for most of my life, she's someone I can't stand to touch, and yet I'm one of the most huggable people I know anyhow. I think that it has something to do with when she hit me, it wasn't life threatening beatings, but emotionally it tore me apart, hurt so much more then any physical pain ever could. She ruined any relationship I could've ever had with my father, he got too embarrased to want to be around his family, ever. I truey love that man but can't take back certain things, like once when we went to the movies mom yelled about something, at me because she thought that I was going to use the pay phone to sneak and call Ms. H, the teacher that had me at her home and kissed me and tucked me in and took me out to hockey games and stuff, she still won't let me hve anything to do with he because she called the dhs once a few years ago on mom. I've never been the type to not tell when mom hit me, like so many victims I read about and watch tv they keep quiet and wait till discovered after years of suffering or till they die from it. I used to wish mom would beat me to death, so that she could go to jail for it. I don't think I really wanted that though, because even now I hope dhs never makes a surprise visit when mom is out gambling, because then it could happen and well, I'd feel quilty and responsible, and also they'd put me away, too like they wanted to this time, but mom said no, and so they couldn't, I was supposed to stay at the runaway shelter while waiting for foster care. That still could happen. I just want to leave, I don't care for whee mom goes as long as I get to go away from her. I love her because I have to, she's my mother, I care for her because I'm just a very caring person and my heart is this huge thing that my huge body had to make room for, and all over it it say's, everyone but myself. My mom's is the same except written on at least the majority of it say's Ann with extra hearts all around it. OUCH I just burned myself with the cigg. OUCH!!!
After I went to my M@P meeting I got dad to pick me up, because unbeknownest to me, Gracie was off that day for being sick and so I was stuck at the last minute without a ride and we picked Teri up, drove to the mall and I hung out with Teri by myself for the frist time in a LONG time, that's bad for being the girl's twin, but that doesn't certify us to automatically be soulmates. Oh, first before Dda came I hung out with the security guard, Ms. B and we talked, a lot, and she told me that she considered trying to have me live wih her when I almost didn't have a place to stay and wait, but the only reason she didn't was because she said she's not home much and also she's busy when she i home, I wish she would have, though because I would've stayed with ehr anywhere, like when she had to go in earlier then me to school, and stay afterwards to work, and one thing about me, I go out of my way to please people so I can even say I wouldn't be a problem or inconvience anywhere, but that's how I see myself as at home. A HUGE inconveinence. I would help her with any thing at home, cook, clean, et cetera, and even make sure to ake my meds every night and sleep, I could promise her any of this, but why can't I at home? I did all of that at the crisis respite, and I loved it there, things and life were simple, and easy, and fun.
We stayed forever at the mall, Teri got hired at an arbys there and we had to wait for our ride, he finally came, we waited outside in really bad weather, we had flash flods all over, and even outside by the door it was raining ats and dogs and there were waves on the ground. They dropped me off at Grandma's and I visited with her and had my cousin pick me up from home, I had to pay him $5 to do so, too. Which I'm glad, because we live maybe 5 to 10 minutes away, and the traffic and weather was so bad it took an hour both ways! He even took me to explorers, as pissed off as he was it was a miracle. We only got our summer uniforms there and bitched at by the advisor. He's so insecure that I had to hear more of how we all just don't like him and stuff, I wish that I could change his mind, but now that I'm hearing this every week after making specials efforts to get there and just sit there for the three hours bored now, doing nothing but getting b'd at, I can't!!! I used to love t but it get's tiring,.. I wish we'd train or do something aagin, even just have a class full of book work.
After mom picked me up, I ate, we looked at these clouds on the way home that really could've been a tornado, and then we got home, played these dominoes that Steve had left for us to borrow after pizza Tuesday night, I won the whole game all together that took two days and then we played a phase ten game, I won that, too, we watched tv together, I read John chapter 16, said my prayers and went to sleep.
DHS is the department of human dervices where theyopened my case for the third time, or fourth, and I guess because my own counselors referred them to it, they are finally doing soemthing about it and I can trust them a little, unfortuantly I did something dumb the first time the worker, I forgot like the title of her job, but she's great, called after I got home, mom hung around me becasue she's nosy to put it plainly while I talked to her, and she asked me if mom has been going out, and I was like, um, well, yeah, she uh,.. it was her birthday yesterday, I didn't want to say what she needed to know, that yes, mom still goes out, no, mom does not give a damn the only reason she tries to have someone near me then is because if you guys stop by she could go to jail if you came when she's out, and I only know that's possible, or at least that that's what she believes and that's why she does it from her. She didn't actually tell me, but she always talks about things around me to people here at home, anywhere. The counselors filed emotional abuse on her, and today during part of the workshop we had to answer some questions are own ways, including what we thought emotional abuse was, and I skipped that one because I live it, and that's one thing I can't just explain or write down. There'd be too much then :(
The other one is the counselors agency, and it's pronounced like my mentoring program, map, I have the @ in the first one because that's what it stands for, at. It's a cool way to write it. I'll brb, I feel like I have no time on the computer anymore, maybe it's a sign that say's I'm not going to have one on foster care or something, not that I really believe that, but hey, i could happen, brb I hope,...
Wow, it's now Friday, well, not to me yet since I haven't gotten to sleep, 1:49 a.m. Friday, stilll Thursday night to me, I always get my nights and days mixed up thanks to my sleeping, or, lack of it.
I don't know how I ever manage to sleep, anyhow, I mean, I have too much going on, yet I never seem to want to miss a thing! Plus I love being at home while certain people sleep, it's so relaxing, like, I hate to say this but when my mom is actually awake and here, most of the time I feel like my blood pressue is risen, it's tense and streesful, esp. if she's mad.
Now back to Wednesday,... Ann, my mom, she was telling me to get off, that she had to use it, it was her turn, when I had barely gotten to use it t all, Not to be mean to her, but the facts are, and I'm not lying or exgerating, my mother is on eof the most selfish people, she's lazy and she just doesn't care about anyone but herself. She makes excuses up, and tries to make people feel quilty to suit herself, and she just plain hurts people, well, at least me. She puts on these big scary monster tough acts, by stomping, hollering and cussing, and hitting, yet she also knows who to be around when she'll ask you can I have a hug??? I jump when she touches me, even when she's playing with me but tapping on my arm, like poking me, I tense up really bad and she as noticed this for most of my life, she's someone I can't stand to touch, and yet I'm one of the most huggable people I know anyhow. I think that it has something to do with when she hit me, it wasn't life threatening beatings, but emotionally it tore me apart, hurt so much more then any physical pain ever could. She ruined any relationship I could've ever had with my father, he got too embarrased to want to be around his family, ever. I truey love that man but can't take back certain things, like once when we went to the movies mom yelled about something, at me because she thought that I was going to use the pay phone to sneak and call Ms. H, the teacher that had me at her home and kissed me and tucked me in and took me out to hockey games and stuff, she still won't let me hve anything to do with he because she called the dhs once a few years ago on mom. I've never been the type to not tell when mom hit me, like so many victims I read about and watch tv they keep quiet and wait till discovered after years of suffering or till they die from it. I used to wish mom would beat me to death, so that she could go to jail for it. I don't think I really wanted that though, because even now I hope dhs never makes a surprise visit when mom is out gambling, because then it could happen and well, I'd feel quilty and responsible, and also they'd put me away, too like they wanted to this time, but mom said no, and so they couldn't, I was supposed to stay at the runaway shelter while waiting for foster care. That still could happen. I just want to leave, I don't care for whee mom goes as long as I get to go away from her. I love her because I have to, she's my mother, I care for her because I'm just a very caring person and my heart is this huge thing that my huge body had to make room for, and all over it it say's, everyone but myself. My mom's is the same except written on at least the majority of it say's Ann with extra hearts all around it. OUCH I just burned myself with the cigg. OUCH!!!
After I went to my M@P meeting I got dad to pick me up, because unbeknownest to me, Gracie was off that day for being sick and so I was stuck at the last minute without a ride and we picked Teri up, drove to the mall and I hung out with Teri by myself for the frist time in a LONG time, that's bad for being the girl's twin, but that doesn't certify us to automatically be soulmates. Oh, first before Dda came I hung out with the security guard, Ms. B and we talked, a lot, and she told me that she considered trying to have me live wih her when I almost didn't have a place to stay and wait, but the only reason she didn't was because she said she's not home much and also she's busy when she i home, I wish she would have, though because I would've stayed with ehr anywhere, like when she had to go in earlier then me to school, and stay afterwards to work, and one thing about me, I go out of my way to please people so I can even say I wouldn't be a problem or inconvience anywhere, but that's how I see myself as at home. A HUGE inconveinence. I would help her with any thing at home, cook, clean, et cetera, and even make sure to ake my meds every night and sleep, I could promise her any of this, but why can't I at home? I did all of that at the crisis respite, and I loved it there, things and life were simple, and easy, and fun.
We stayed forever at the mall, Teri got hired at an arbys there and we had to wait for our ride, he finally came, we waited outside in really bad weather, we had flash flods all over, and even outside by the door it was raining ats and dogs and there were waves on the ground. They dropped me off at Grandma's and I visited with her and had my cousin pick me up from home, I had to pay him $5 to do so, too. Which I'm glad, because we live maybe 5 to 10 minutes away, and the traffic and weather was so bad it took an hour both ways! He even took me to explorers, as pissed off as he was it was a miracle. We only got our summer uniforms there and bitched at by the advisor. He's so insecure that I had to hear more of how we all just don't like him and stuff, I wish that I could change his mind, but now that I'm hearing this every week after making specials efforts to get there and just sit there for the three hours bored now, doing nothing but getting b'd at, I can't!!! I used to love t but it get's tiring,.. I wish we'd train or do something aagin, even just have a class full of book work.
After mom picked me up, I ate, we looked at these clouds on the way home that really could've been a tornado, and then we got home, played these dominoes that Steve had left for us to borrow after pizza Tuesday night, I won the whole game all together that took two days and then we played a phase ten game, I won that, too, we watched tv together, I read John chapter 16, said my prayers and went to sleep.