You see, I think, you’ve been wrong – it is not a frustration of an artist…I do not wish to be an artist…I wish to be who I am …
I do not wish to be JUST a wife, a mother, a chef, a cleaner, a builder when needed and a system administrator for 8 hours a day…. I do not wish to be JUST a “great friend”, a “comrade in a life battle”, a “colleague”, a “care worker” and a “miracle maker.” I do not wish to be JUST the one cool friend, a convenient shoulder, a wise adviser, the one who knows what to do. I do not wish to be JUST the one who never tells how hard it is to give support that’s been asked for. I do not wish to be JUST the one who always waves goodbyes when someone goes. And the one who “always there” if someone wishes to come back.
What to say more…[~shrugs] sounds pretty frustrated to me….lol… The key word was – “JUST”…yes, I do wish to be all these things too. I think, I am – some of them at least. But I do want more (and don’t we all?)…
…It was not a frustration of an artist searching to express themselves. It was not a probe of a talent or anything to do with creation of a canvass…it is simple an anguish of a woman…to be a woman in very straight meaning of this word. The one, that would be noticed for that, not just for being all the right things above mentioned. The one, that would let someone to unwrap and to see – just a woman there…not strong, not weak…not pretty, not ugly…not smart and not a fool….just – me... hello, stranger, there is a woman in me somewhere…surprised? ;-)
…A frustration? Yes…maybe more – despair…to live for self for once…hence – tears, moods, passionate words….perhaps, too passionate sometimes…dramatic, as if - insincere…yes...but simple because I thought – this is – how you do it – you let your dogs to fight…but in fact, everything is much simpler, isn’t it? The same way as to accept the fact of there is no “All-In-One” package exists there is a simple fact that I can’t be “All-In-One” either…And so the trick is – to extract whatever needed for whichever particular moment. Use it to full. Then – move on to your other routines. Bitter or sweet…
…No, it was not a frustration of an artist in me…I’ve never been the one. I do no crafts, no arts, I don’t sing, I don’t dance. I’m pretty much technological-oriented. I like arts, created by others, but that’s just about it, really. I’m not an artist and these are not my works…this is – just me here…
[~LOL. That was pretty much “dramatic” again, wasn’t it? “to be or not to be”…never mind Shakespeare – my Diary it is and it will be, therefore I will say here whatever I feel I need to say in my own or Will’s words]
Special Someones
There are Special Persons in everybody’s life. It is how it is – each of us need someone special once in a while – someone who will leave a trace in our heart. I am lucky to have few Special People in my life and I am glad that I understand this in wizdom to appreciate…
My family is very special to me. They are a significant part of my life. I can’t just lose them as of a sudden. If this happened – there will be an empty space. You can’t have years of built-in details, mixed and interweaved disappeared in one moment. Good or bad, I love them. Care of them. Have a privilege to be loved by them in return…
I’ve also have Special friends. There could not be other way – for otherwise I wouldn’t shed a tear for them, I wouldn’t think of them every moment, I wouldn’t give all I need to give for them to be happy. But most of all – I wouldn’t get so much richer because of what they’ve shared with me. And when they go, they stay special, even if not a friend any more…isn’t it what we do for those that are so close: we let them go, when they needed?...We find a place in our heart to keep the best of them…Now – that IS what makes them so special…
King Of The Beach
It is interesting, that without intentions it happened so that when something is happening in my life, there is always a music comes to be associated to it… sort of…”time-associated” musical theme…I’ve noticed, how sometimes I feel that urge to “turn over the page” – to change the tune. Have you ever had this feeling: when you in a certain mood, then – as of a sudden all the music you randomly hear around, seemed to be tuned to that mood of yours? Suddenly all the lyrics seemed to be “relevant” and all the melodies – “reflecting”? Sometimes I’d stop, amazed: how did they know?!
I’ve changed few tunes over last couple of weeks. Pink Floyd’s dark side of a moon has been replaced by Tim McGraw…Then suddenly James Taylor occupied my mind for the whole day….hmmm…and night….And finally yesterday I went out and bought Chris Rea’s King of The Beach CD. Does this mean anything? Probably not - just a coincidence. But I’ve put this song on the loop right now and I think this does have a meaning…
…or maybe - a wish…
Let your fighting scars heal in the sun of a bright windy day
Let your cold blades sleep in the sand till it's rusted away
Washed each night in the waves while you sleep away each memory
And you wake to find yourself a new king to be…
Away from the dark, moving into the light
King of the shadows gives up on the fight
He kicks of them shoes, throws them away
There's nobody here now except this salty blue day
Out of sight, out of reach, he's king of the beach…
Whatever I was, well I'm not that now
I tell you because it may help you somehow
So kick of them shoes and throw them away
Cause there's nobody here now except this salty blue day
So...Once More, shall we?...