I have two sets of musings about last weekend…one – things I did, places I visited, people I’ve met. The other one – thoughts and conclusions, even some eyeopenings… So I’m in a sort of indecisive state of not being able to pick on and work it out for the public, then do the same with the other…I simply can’t choose which one to start with…
I went to Essex this weekend. We lived there for first 5 years when moved to UK. I’ve got few friends there whom I am always happy to see and who I hope are happy to see me too. The weather forecast wasn’t too promising for bank holiday, but we have Saturday rain-free and managed to spend it all by the sea side. Back in Oxfordshire I don’t have the luxury of easy sea access, so I have to grab any chance of getting closer. This time the chance was found in Walton-on-the-Naze. It is a traditional seaside town. It has long sandy beaches and exiting cliffs – a perfect place to get in touch with the nature. And that’s what we did, basically. We spend half day at the Naze – the un-spoilt headland of Walton – a piece of grassy coastal land high above the sands and sea…We climbed the Naze tower built in 1721 and the views from the top took the breath away… and of course because I came to meet the sea, I enjoyed the walk along the beach and the warm waters of the North Sea most of all. Sometimes a thought occurs to me that I could be so happy living by the sea…perhaps, one day…
The second part of the day we spent in yet another seaside town – Harwich. I’ve already mentioned this one in my notes some time ago…it is just another opportunity to meet the sea and the place is so peaceful, time seems to stand still there…Mind you, we managed to see a large cruise ship sailing out of the port – that was an event of the day. It was One Very Nice Day indeed...
***
I’ve noticed how differently I do my listening now… that in my mind I’m constantly drawing parallels to anything being mentioned in a conversation…It is not that I am taking things personally. Just being more aware, observant, perhaps…I see things, hear things…once before they would’ve been missed out from my mind as unuseful information…today’s - I’m more of a collector…a briefly mentioned thought wouldn’t slip out of my mind until I’ll try her on and find her matching colours with my own reality…
I had a couple of eye-opening experiences this weekend…One was a phrase one of my friends accidentally said. It has nothing to do with me and whatever happened in my life. We’ve been talking about her own life and she just said briefly about her ex-hb she left more then 10 years ago…she mentioned how it surprised herself that the memory of him slipped out of her mind so quickly, she literally never gave it second thought as soon as she left him. Knowing my ex and knowing this friend of mine I see how they are so alike in the way they connect to others…I can easily imagine that it well could be the same for him…not because he’s unkind or uncaring. For some people it is part of their nature. They list through the life’s chapters without going back to reread what they might’ve missed. They do not look back and do not regret. It is simply the way they are. I don’t feel sad about it. I know him well enough to understand he was always like this, only before it was about his friends and now it is my turn… I accept this it who he is…she helped me to put the words together so that they finally formed a definition. Yet another one to stick to the fridge door of my memory…Some people do not look back. This is normal.
The other discovery was equally painted in slightly blue…Over the last 8 months I haven’t been much in touch with my friends. In fact, the only reaching out I did was informing them of our separation. We didn’t tell the details, only the decision. They left us alone because of course they felt uncomfortable and especially not knowing details and else…some time passed…every now and then when I feel like connecting, I would try to get in touch with one or another…so far I seems not getting anywhere though…ex used to assure me this is because our friends are confused and afraid to touch the wrong nerve if talk to me…of the two of us as a couple it was me doing all the social part of the family life…he used to be the busy one, never had time for meaningless things like get togethers and such…he loves his friends and he would do a lot for them in fact he would do much more for friends then for himself. He is a great and very reliable friend. He just doesn’t value small talks and meaningless meetings…anyway…
while in Colchester, I met with my ex-boss (we do stay in touch and every time I’m there, we meet for a pint and a chat) he also just being told that me and hb are separating…and as we talk of things, he eventually admitted that when he heard the news, he had absolutely no doubts that it was my initiative. Then it all came to me. A sudden understanding of the true reason. Forget the confusion – I’ve been turned off by our friends based on the same assumption. They might not realise it themselves, but they simply saw the situation the only way they can imagine it could go…again, this doesn’t hurt me as much as I thought it would…In fact, I remember it so well, when I’ve been one of those “on the other side”…long time ago when a couple of our friends split up, we collectively assumed it was the woman’s fault. We didn’t have any proofs but then we didn’t need any. It was our perception of them as persons that made this judgement the only one that makes sense. We didn’t give her a hard time, we’ve been civil and polite and else…we just stopped being close and this happened “naturally”, like a course of life…some years later we learned that he was the first one to stray outside…but the closeness was beyond repair by that point…I do not blame my friends, they have no way of knowing…besides, true friends don’t need to be divided along with spoons and forks…I even kind of knew it will be like that…only didn’t know it truly is until that chat opened my eyes on the perception others have of us…what I feel slightly sad about is that ex doesn’t treasure his friendships as much as I do and I seems to be the one to loose them in the end…so that was my weekend trip to new places and new discoveries…all to my own benefit, in every sense, I guess…
I went to Essex this weekend. We lived there for first 5 years when moved to UK. I’ve got few friends there whom I am always happy to see and who I hope are happy to see me too. The weather forecast wasn’t too promising for bank holiday, but we have Saturday rain-free and managed to spend it all by the sea side. Back in Oxfordshire I don’t have the luxury of easy sea access, so I have to grab any chance of getting closer. This time the chance was found in Walton-on-the-Naze. It is a traditional seaside town. It has long sandy beaches and exiting cliffs – a perfect place to get in touch with the nature. And that’s what we did, basically. We spend half day at the Naze – the un-spoilt headland of Walton – a piece of grassy coastal land high above the sands and sea…We climbed the Naze tower built in 1721 and the views from the top took the breath away… and of course because I came to meet the sea, I enjoyed the walk along the beach and the warm waters of the North Sea most of all. Sometimes a thought occurs to me that I could be so happy living by the sea…perhaps, one day…
The second part of the day we spent in yet another seaside town – Harwich. I’ve already mentioned this one in my notes some time ago…it is just another opportunity to meet the sea and the place is so peaceful, time seems to stand still there…Mind you, we managed to see a large cruise ship sailing out of the port – that was an event of the day. It was One Very Nice Day indeed...
***
I’ve noticed how differently I do my listening now… that in my mind I’m constantly drawing parallels to anything being mentioned in a conversation…It is not that I am taking things personally. Just being more aware, observant, perhaps…I see things, hear things…once before they would’ve been missed out from my mind as unuseful information…today’s - I’m more of a collector…a briefly mentioned thought wouldn’t slip out of my mind until I’ll try her on and find her matching colours with my own reality…
I had a couple of eye-opening experiences this weekend…One was a phrase one of my friends accidentally said. It has nothing to do with me and whatever happened in my life. We’ve been talking about her own life and she just said briefly about her ex-hb she left more then 10 years ago…she mentioned how it surprised herself that the memory of him slipped out of her mind so quickly, she literally never gave it second thought as soon as she left him. Knowing my ex and knowing this friend of mine I see how they are so alike in the way they connect to others…I can easily imagine that it well could be the same for him…not because he’s unkind or uncaring. For some people it is part of their nature. They list through the life’s chapters without going back to reread what they might’ve missed. They do not look back and do not regret. It is simply the way they are. I don’t feel sad about it. I know him well enough to understand he was always like this, only before it was about his friends and now it is my turn… I accept this it who he is…she helped me to put the words together so that they finally formed a definition. Yet another one to stick to the fridge door of my memory…Some people do not look back. This is normal.
The other discovery was equally painted in slightly blue…Over the last 8 months I haven’t been much in touch with my friends. In fact, the only reaching out I did was informing them of our separation. We didn’t tell the details, only the decision. They left us alone because of course they felt uncomfortable and especially not knowing details and else…some time passed…every now and then when I feel like connecting, I would try to get in touch with one or another…so far I seems not getting anywhere though…ex used to assure me this is because our friends are confused and afraid to touch the wrong nerve if talk to me…of the two of us as a couple it was me doing all the social part of the family life…he used to be the busy one, never had time for meaningless things like get togethers and such…he loves his friends and he would do a lot for them in fact he would do much more for friends then for himself. He is a great and very reliable friend. He just doesn’t value small talks and meaningless meetings…anyway…
while in Colchester, I met with my ex-boss (we do stay in touch and every time I’m there, we meet for a pint and a chat) he also just being told that me and hb are separating…and as we talk of things, he eventually admitted that when he heard the news, he had absolutely no doubts that it was my initiative. Then it all came to me. A sudden understanding of the true reason. Forget the confusion – I’ve been turned off by our friends based on the same assumption. They might not realise it themselves, but they simply saw the situation the only way they can imagine it could go…again, this doesn’t hurt me as much as I thought it would…In fact, I remember it so well, when I’ve been one of those “on the other side”…long time ago when a couple of our friends split up, we collectively assumed it was the woman’s fault. We didn’t have any proofs but then we didn’t need any. It was our perception of them as persons that made this judgement the only one that makes sense. We didn’t give her a hard time, we’ve been civil and polite and else…we just stopped being close and this happened “naturally”, like a course of life…some years later we learned that he was the first one to stray outside…but the closeness was beyond repair by that point…I do not blame my friends, they have no way of knowing…besides, true friends don’t need to be divided along with spoons and forks…I even kind of knew it will be like that…only didn’t know it truly is until that chat opened my eyes on the perception others have of us…what I feel slightly sad about is that ex doesn’t treasure his friendships as much as I do and I seems to be the one to loose them in the end…so that was my weekend trip to new places and new discoveries…all to my own benefit, in every sense, I guess…