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Your Mind's Bullies
Fri Jun 10 2005

Thousand things could bully our mind…embarrassed to sing for you know that you’ve got no voice? Embarrassed to dance for you aware of how clumsy you are? Embarrassed to play the piano in front of a famous composer? What are those Beasts that make you suffer the humiliating moments? The moments that would come to haunt you every time you see those who witnessed them…

Now, promise not to laugh, coz I’m about to reveal what is the most embarassing thing to my personal experience…It is funny, actually, that despite of many years, that I’ve been living in English speaking country, I still have that fear of…speaking out…It is disturbingly wierd…sometimes when I say something and I can see the others didn’t get it, I’d get so upset by my own helplessness, almost to tears…(it actually did happened on few occasions, when I needed to get out of the room to let out my tears of embarrassment)…I don’t like this way about me. I wish I’ll be more relaxed and less concerned if it will look good or bad to the other parties…But for the moment, whatever I would do to overcome this fear, it not working...I can only try more and hope that with time I could speak English with the same effortlessness that I can write in English…

I can’t explain why it is the way it is…I have absolutely no problem writing, typing, messaging…its a voice-to voice that terrifies me…and especially voice-to-voice when I can’t see the other…their lips moving, head nodding, expression on their face…this way I could at least watch the reaction and see when I went the wrong way…said wrong things…used wrong words…of course you can guess this only concerns my speech in English…Why I’m making such a big deal out of it? Because sadly it is a BIG DEAL to me...Perhaps, native speakers won’t understand this problem and how humiliating it could be – to feel that you are inarticulate…especially in places where you really want to be who you are, to say what you want to say and neither watch out for the words to put in the right order, nor think of how you pronounce them so that they won’t loose their meaning…My thoughts fly oh so faster then I can ever say my words…I feel like being handicapped when trying to talk…And every time when I bravely leap into “live conversation”, hoping that perhaps, this time…that maybe when I’ll get there, the words will find their way independently… that this time I’ll present myself in all my best…and every time…it is of course the same embarrassment that burns me ever after…that makes me want to be mute…
How more sad it could be – to fear own voice?!...LOL

4 Comments
  • From:
    Pragmatist (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Jun 10 2005
    I think I understand the problem. What you type you can see and correct. What comes out of your mouth is out and gone before you can censor it.

    From your writing, I'd never dream you weren't a native speaker.

    I used to be moderately fluent in Spanish, but I can hardly get past buenos dias now.

    Do you have a local Toastmasters group? I got over my reluctance to speak publicly through membership. I've even won several prizes. Toastmasters is an international group, and I'll bet you could find one nearby.

    I think your embarrassment is overblown. I can't imagine that people think less of you for a mistake in pronunciation or syntax. After all, English is one of the most difficult languages in the world to learn. I admire people who become even passably fluent.

    Give yourself a break. OK?

    Shalom
  • From:
    Dreamerbooks2003 (Legacy)
    On:
    Sat Jun 11 2005
    I agree with Chaya.. And think you should be very proud of yourself for learning a second language so well.
    You are very smart.. miss lana.. and should try public speaking. Walk right through that fear...
    I hate public speaking myself.. I have a booming voice.. until I'm in front of a group or even a classroom.. then I get shy.. until I get going and relax.. then I become myself.. but it does take some time..
    Breath deep and try it.
    hugs
    peg
  • From:
    Kordelle (Legacy)
    On:
    Sun Jun 12 2005
    well hello misstick
    we all have are hangups and they are not necessarily realistic most of the time they are not
    take public speaking most people shake in their booties when they have to get up in front of an audience I have seen it myself they shake like leaves I use to be very nervous but finally after reading verse at open stages for ten years I have overcome
    it is unrealistic right from the time we are children we are browbeaten by parents and teachers and society to do the right thing we live in a negative world but I think we can win by being positive in our hearts and minds no wonder people cant relax
    and I always say lana fuck them if they cant take a joke
    oh yes I read you are from russia to me that is so exotic I hope you write about it one day and I happen by
  • From:
    Dreamerbooks2003 (Legacy)
    On:
    Sun Jun 12 2005
    Hi ya
    I clicked on the link you have play games.. Oh my.. what a game.. I did get hooked. and I am awful at it.. Took me 11 minutes to fail.. I still had several tiles left.. But was stuck.. I only got one time when the message congratulations came on .. and that took me 15 minutes.. oh how funny.. and what a supreme waste of time..
    :)
    thanx.. for yet another addiction..
    j/k.. i love ya
    how are you today?