I’ve been avoiding to write lately…I’m not sure why…In my head I’m having heated debates, full with wise and with silly arguments, make myself laugh at me sometimes and sometimes cry to keep me a company…other times I just hate whom I'm speaking to…thinking about why I’m taken back from writing...maybe because I'm disgusted with what comes out of it?…in the last year most of what I did write has been coloured gray, I winged, complained, have been plain miserable…I ‘m not particular in love with this side of me and preferred to hide it for "if you don't see it, it might not exists"…but last year…changed everything, turned my world upside down and I am no longer sure I am the person I used to be Before…sometimes I am not sure if I ever be the same again either…sometimes when I page through what I used to write few years ago, it is always embarrassing to get to today’s and see just how pathetic I’ve become…a real drama queen, eh?…but then, what the fuck, this is my place and I talk here because I have a need to say something that matters to me personally...and the knowledge that at least one lonely visitor can accidentally click the link out of curiosity helps, the simplest therapy of sharing helps…
In answering...No, I’m not saying I have no expectations…I don’t believe humans can live without expectations…even those who claim they do not expect a thing…even those still find they are disappointed at one or another things happened not exactly how they envisage it should happened…nobody’s perfect and nobody is truly free from secretly expecting something…anything…of course I do have expectations…only they are not the same as expecting something from someone in particular…what I expect is to be treated the way I believe I am worthy of…I don’t really care how others choose to do it…I only know that whatever they do, it has to be felt good…that’s what I expect…to feel good…so when I don’t, I assume others have their reasons not to fulfil my expectations…of course I do have expectations, I’m only human…
I took the Kid to Bristol on Monday because he had to get to work next day. Later at night driving back from there I’ve been thinking how peaceful I felt over this holidays being with MY FAMILY. Me and him – we are all that this family is now. And it feels so right to be together…I cannot say I’m clingy, I do what I have to do, it’s all fine…and I cooked for him and helped him clean his flat a little and then I left him to his own life…such is the way life goes…and our kids find their own ways and often they are not the same as we’d imagine they would be…I said to Mike: it feels so good to be with you…and my mind took few moments to reflect on this thought…no it wasn’t the “taking care of someone” thing that I miss, my son is much more capable to care of himself then I ever dreamed he can be…but it was more of a “having someone” by your side, just having this chance of actually touching someone if reach out, that brought me peace of mind…I wish…but I shouldn’t and I won’t…wishing for selfish things aren’t the best dreams to have…instead I wish for him the kind of life measured to his capacity to handle…when I close my eyes and make a wish…I know this wish will come true for it is a right one…
I’ve made quite a lot selfish wishes in my life…I know by now that even when they do come true, it is only for a moment…the only dreams that come and stay with us are those which we dream for someone. Paradox, but truly it is all in the difference in how do you say what you wish…I often wonder why many tend to say: I wish to find someone who can make me happy…when what they really need to think of: I wish to find someone whom I can make happy…then everything is in the right way and not in upside down way. How often do we make that mistake holding onto someone only because WE feel happy around them? But what if THEY don’t feel the same around us? If only people were concerned more with how to make the other happy, imagine how the World can be changed... From the other hand I’ve been told not once lately that I really should wish more things for myself…that this is the only way to get them...that when mind concentrated on a target, it will arrange circumstances into right combination…who really knows what is the better way to go…perhaps, we never know the right way because the ways are different for each of us…nobody can tell you how to live, you can only watch others and learn your own way in detour…
Little tasks could be rather annoying and can spoil the day with the “aftertaste” of unpleasant experience…doing one or the other necessary chores around the house I do often have these moments of “tear-break”…when you try to do what you’ve never done yourself before, you can easily fall into the moments of despair when the best you can do is stop and cry for a little while for no reason literally…then you get up and complete the task just fine…having a little bit more then I’d wish of such moments lately I suddenly realise that it is not a practical help that I needed…but more to hear a caring voice reassuring me I’m not alone…or perhaps, a hand over my shoulder backing up my efforts…I know I can do it just fine…I just need someone to share emotional challenge of the tasks I’m not accustomed to…
It was only needed to turn the tap…and the words surged in impossible stream hard to manage…plenty left still…but perhaps it is the right time to stop and take a deep breath for the air…till next time…
In answering...No, I’m not saying I have no expectations…I don’t believe humans can live without expectations…even those who claim they do not expect a thing…even those still find they are disappointed at one or another things happened not exactly how they envisage it should happened…nobody’s perfect and nobody is truly free from secretly expecting something…anything…of course I do have expectations…only they are not the same as expecting something from someone in particular…what I expect is to be treated the way I believe I am worthy of…I don’t really care how others choose to do it…I only know that whatever they do, it has to be felt good…that’s what I expect…to feel good…so when I don’t, I assume others have their reasons not to fulfil my expectations…of course I do have expectations, I’m only human…
I took the Kid to Bristol on Monday because he had to get to work next day. Later at night driving back from there I’ve been thinking how peaceful I felt over this holidays being with MY FAMILY. Me and him – we are all that this family is now. And it feels so right to be together…I cannot say I’m clingy, I do what I have to do, it’s all fine…and I cooked for him and helped him clean his flat a little and then I left him to his own life…such is the way life goes…and our kids find their own ways and often they are not the same as we’d imagine they would be…I said to Mike: it feels so good to be with you…and my mind took few moments to reflect on this thought…no it wasn’t the “taking care of someone” thing that I miss, my son is much more capable to care of himself then I ever dreamed he can be…but it was more of a “having someone” by your side, just having this chance of actually touching someone if reach out, that brought me peace of mind…I wish…but I shouldn’t and I won’t…wishing for selfish things aren’t the best dreams to have…instead I wish for him the kind of life measured to his capacity to handle…when I close my eyes and make a wish…I know this wish will come true for it is a right one…
I’ve made quite a lot selfish wishes in my life…I know by now that even when they do come true, it is only for a moment…the only dreams that come and stay with us are those which we dream for someone. Paradox, but truly it is all in the difference in how do you say what you wish…I often wonder why many tend to say: I wish to find someone who can make me happy…when what they really need to think of: I wish to find someone whom I can make happy…then everything is in the right way and not in upside down way. How often do we make that mistake holding onto someone only because WE feel happy around them? But what if THEY don’t feel the same around us? If only people were concerned more with how to make the other happy, imagine how the World can be changed... From the other hand I’ve been told not once lately that I really should wish more things for myself…that this is the only way to get them...that when mind concentrated on a target, it will arrange circumstances into right combination…who really knows what is the better way to go…perhaps, we never know the right way because the ways are different for each of us…nobody can tell you how to live, you can only watch others and learn your own way in detour…
Little tasks could be rather annoying and can spoil the day with the “aftertaste” of unpleasant experience…doing one or the other necessary chores around the house I do often have these moments of “tear-break”…when you try to do what you’ve never done yourself before, you can easily fall into the moments of despair when the best you can do is stop and cry for a little while for no reason literally…then you get up and complete the task just fine…having a little bit more then I’d wish of such moments lately I suddenly realise that it is not a practical help that I needed…but more to hear a caring voice reassuring me I’m not alone…or perhaps, a hand over my shoulder backing up my efforts…I know I can do it just fine…I just need someone to share emotional challenge of the tasks I’m not accustomed to…
It was only needed to turn the tap…and the words surged in impossible stream hard to manage…plenty left still…but perhaps it is the right time to stop and take a deep breath for the air…till next time…