Today me and Mike finished wallpapering in my now officially renovated bedroom…aren’t we The Best Wallpaperers (hmmm wall-paperesses? wall-paperlessers?) ?! I’m glad and sad the same time…I’m so happy that I have found the willpower to finish this stupid of the stupidest project – there were honestly too many moments when I would just stop and cry helplessly simply because it felt too much to cope with…but indeed, this is almost the end. Now it’s the time for all the exiting things – new furniture arrives on the 2nd, I have to do curtains-shopping (yeah, I know, those who’s been here long enough, might remember that famous curtains hunt of mine few years ago, but this time I will make sure I’ll do it for pleasure. And once the wardrobes in place, I can get the carpet fitters in and then – ooohhhh…I won’t even dare to dream about just how I will enjoy my new bedroom, made entirely to my own taste and vision! So yes, the end of this year does have a good thing accidentally stuck in the mix with all the bad things that happened…
Yet I felt also a bit sad, standing in the middle of an empty room, room that I won’t be sharing with anyone…it felt surreal, almost as parallel universe and I’m a guest for a night in it…
I went to the shower to cry it out…Mike is at home and he still doesn’t know all the details, so I have to be a strong mom and not spoil his holidays…and I’m back on the calming herbal pills *sigh* some moments I so want to be out of that mourning the loss of my marriage…some other moments I feel too numb to do anything about it…in just five days he flight out of my life and I am no longer sure I know him…his place is further then my friends'…
It was so easy for him not to hold on to us anymore. I’m amazed and truly upset not with the fact of his cheating, but mostly because he gave up on us so easily – he never gave himself a chance to try to restore what’s being lost between us (assuming he knows it himself, for I still can’t figure it out) I grieve over the fact that he didn't feel like our marriage was worth fighting for.
Over last months in our endless talks he literally desecrated each of my beliefs about what family supposed to be. Even now recalling his words make me feel sick in my stomach…His views changed overnight coincidentally with his affair…he’s been fooled by his own ego and selfishness - he used to get whatever he wanted all the time…and this time he just wanted another woman…I do hope that she will love him strong enough to make him happy. Otherwise it’s all not worth it. I refuse to go through all my pains for nothing. I wish him to be happy – at least then I can say: I’ve cried for a good cause…
When a happily running its course relationship has been broken abruptly, you have more than the loss of a loved one, you are grieving for so many things you hoped for, dreamed of, planned for your future...you've lost your closest friend, your confidant has betrayed your trust, the one you let yourself be vulnerable to has dealt treacherously with your most intimate feelings, your core being has been altered for the rest of your life...the marriage and life you made, has been re-assessed for the lowest score and torn from you like part of your body being ripped off...heart operation with no anaesthetics…
*sigh* I have to stay focused on coping with grief, not to step on the seashells over and over…*sigh*
Yet I felt also a bit sad, standing in the middle of an empty room, room that I won’t be sharing with anyone…it felt surreal, almost as parallel universe and I’m a guest for a night in it…
I went to the shower to cry it out…Mike is at home and he still doesn’t know all the details, so I have to be a strong mom and not spoil his holidays…and I’m back on the calming herbal pills *sigh* some moments I so want to be out of that mourning the loss of my marriage…some other moments I feel too numb to do anything about it…in just five days he flight out of my life and I am no longer sure I know him…his place is further then my friends'…
It was so easy for him not to hold on to us anymore. I’m amazed and truly upset not with the fact of his cheating, but mostly because he gave up on us so easily – he never gave himself a chance to try to restore what’s being lost between us (assuming he knows it himself, for I still can’t figure it out) I grieve over the fact that he didn't feel like our marriage was worth fighting for.
Over last months in our endless talks he literally desecrated each of my beliefs about what family supposed to be. Even now recalling his words make me feel sick in my stomach…His views changed overnight coincidentally with his affair…he’s been fooled by his own ego and selfishness - he used to get whatever he wanted all the time…and this time he just wanted another woman…I do hope that she will love him strong enough to make him happy. Otherwise it’s all not worth it. I refuse to go through all my pains for nothing. I wish him to be happy – at least then I can say: I’ve cried for a good cause…
When a happily running its course relationship has been broken abruptly, you have more than the loss of a loved one, you are grieving for so many things you hoped for, dreamed of, planned for your future...you've lost your closest friend, your confidant has betrayed your trust, the one you let yourself be vulnerable to has dealt treacherously with your most intimate feelings, your core being has been altered for the rest of your life...the marriage and life you made, has been re-assessed for the lowest score and torn from you like part of your body being ripped off...heart operation with no anaesthetics…
*sigh* I have to stay focused on coping with grief, not to step on the seashells over and over…*sigh*