The whole situation of separation brings three main issues:
You have to deal with the loss of your present,
You have to deal with the loss of your future,
You have to deal with the complexes – the old and the new ones…
The present is an everyday’s struggle with emotions, nothing much I can do, I just have to live it through and let it pass, I suppose…the hardest in dealing with the present is to keep your head high, which I can’t say I’m very good at. And then it locks into a vicious circle: I cannot hold my tears, yet I cannot bare him seeing me crying, so I am crying more because of realisation that I’m helpless to stop the tears in the first place. How dumb is that?! *sigh*
The future is indefinably scary, but I can temporary freeze making new plans and live by today for a while. In transition period this might be the best approach. The future will happened whether we make plans for it or we don’t. Thankfully I can afford to stop thinking of what will be for a little while and concentrate on bringing myself ready for whatever future I will choose later…but it is hard not to think of the future because the future that I cannot have anymore is still here, walking close, so close, I am reaching out and touching him, knowing this is not what we’re supposed to do…and the more we do it, the more pain we both feel…
The complexes are the most difficult to deal with. The old complexes. The ones that I always knew I have, but never bothered to deal with…now outstanding matters kick hard and scream for attention. The new complexes that I’ve developed entirely due to what happened…gee, once I’ll get myself together to work on this lot, I sure will have a busy time for quite a while! Just have to find energy to do that…
I wish I would just hibernate for the time it’ll happen, so that once it’s all over, I won’t have to wake up to my heart and soul shattered into smallest pieces scattered on the ground…but the only way to get out is to walk barefoot on them…painful as it is, it is also quite sobering in a sense of self-awareness…so never mind…I’ll get there...one day…
I’m as far as knowing that I’m a worthy person. Worthy in a general sense. Defining the worthiness in measurable values is another matter…worthy of what exactly? Of how much of that? Of how soon? These are the questions I have no answers yet. But at least I’m no longer into that “I’m nothing” mood…I know things about me that I’m proud of. I know other things too, and knowing what they are is already a first step to change them. On this crossroad of my life I simply am. No more no less…and sometimes just to be is enough…
You have to deal with the loss of your present,
You have to deal with the loss of your future,
You have to deal with the complexes – the old and the new ones…
The present is an everyday’s struggle with emotions, nothing much I can do, I just have to live it through and let it pass, I suppose…the hardest in dealing with the present is to keep your head high, which I can’t say I’m very good at. And then it locks into a vicious circle: I cannot hold my tears, yet I cannot bare him seeing me crying, so I am crying more because of realisation that I’m helpless to stop the tears in the first place. How dumb is that?! *sigh*
The future is indefinably scary, but I can temporary freeze making new plans and live by today for a while. In transition period this might be the best approach. The future will happened whether we make plans for it or we don’t. Thankfully I can afford to stop thinking of what will be for a little while and concentrate on bringing myself ready for whatever future I will choose later…but it is hard not to think of the future because the future that I cannot have anymore is still here, walking close, so close, I am reaching out and touching him, knowing this is not what we’re supposed to do…and the more we do it, the more pain we both feel…
The complexes are the most difficult to deal with. The old complexes. The ones that I always knew I have, but never bothered to deal with…now outstanding matters kick hard and scream for attention. The new complexes that I’ve developed entirely due to what happened…gee, once I’ll get myself together to work on this lot, I sure will have a busy time for quite a while! Just have to find energy to do that…
I wish I would just hibernate for the time it’ll happen, so that once it’s all over, I won’t have to wake up to my heart and soul shattered into smallest pieces scattered on the ground…but the only way to get out is to walk barefoot on them…painful as it is, it is also quite sobering in a sense of self-awareness…so never mind…I’ll get there...one day…
I’m as far as knowing that I’m a worthy person. Worthy in a general sense. Defining the worthiness in measurable values is another matter…worthy of what exactly? Of how much of that? Of how soon? These are the questions I have no answers yet. But at least I’m no longer into that “I’m nothing” mood…I know things about me that I’m proud of. I know other things too, and knowing what they are is already a first step to change them. On this crossroad of my life I simply am. No more no less…and sometimes just to be is enough…