I’ve mentioned that psychodrama workshop I’ve attended on Saturday. Then I thought it weighted of a separate entry. So I’m gonna start again. (and for "start again" the lazy me will just copy&paste from my previous entry, coz what’s the point of inventing the wheel when it already got us here)
…I’ve been sitting in my favourite café few weeks ago and noticed advert on the wall about psychodrama workshop to explore the intimacy and separateness in relationships. Since my experience with counselling last October was more then disappointing, the idea of trying unconventional techniques looked attractive enough for me to book for this workshop. I went there on Saturday. Strange experience, but perhaps, not the one I’d be interested in any longer. The idea was – to “play out” some scenes from the real life of the participants and by re-playing scenes over and over, adjusting the outcome, helping the person to see things differently. Well, nothing wrong with the idea, isn’t it? I won’t describe every scene we played (there were 6 of us there, hence 6 different scenarios to go through – it was all day event) …I just say one thing. Despite of my strong feeling of “knowing the answer” for everyone else, my own revelations came as a surprise to me. What I didn’t know…well, I did, of course, but never admitted to myself! I do have at least one unresolved problem within me. And this workshop pulled it out of my pocket in no time. ..
Not that I never noticed this about me before. I just kind of…had different views on it. When I was sitting there, on “stage”, introducing myself (we’re supposed to tell briefly about issue we think we need help with) …so as I was telling what I find the most difficult in my coping with life’s situation, the other picked it up so very quickly, I was speechless. I never saw it the same way as them, but this was the beauty of the exercise – to get another perspective. There are two parts of me. It is not a surprise, I am sure all of us have many parts of the whole. So let me introduce External Me: strong and confident person. I’m told so very often I’m strong, that eventually I believed I am. Or maybe I was strong all along and received the confirmations from others all the time…so this is the image I have and I like it. It is good to be strong. It is peaceful and healthy to be sure in yourself. So obviously I like to present myself this way. I do things that would encourage this side of me to come forward. I find greatest joy in helping others, because this makes ME feel my own strength. I was never competitive since I remember me. No ambitions either. I suspect that this was because any efforts to be outstanding have this potential of failure and this will make me feel not so strong as I’d wish. So I simply choose the easy way of avoiding such things all together. As much as I can of course.
So here I am, all confident on my own life path…and walking steadily, I walked into the wall…boom, crash…shattered…and I’m no longer feeling strong and I’m no longer confident and sure in myself. in almost all aspects…so there is that other part of me stepping forward – the Weak Me. the one who has fears, reservations, all sorts of complexes and the most important – a range of emotions that the other part considers embarrassing to have. This side of me is drown in self-pity parties, afraid of the future and of course, hates herself for all of that. Uuughhh…ugly…
As a strong me I always thought that the weak one should go. That it is for my personal growth purpose that I have to work on getting rid of it. I hated her. I didn’t want to have her. I rejected the idea that I have her in me. What the others on the workshop made me realise…that I was wrong all along. This is a part of me. Without it – how would I feel emotions, passions, how would I sympathise with others, how would I care of myself properly?.. This is a part of me that needs to be acknowledged. I have to accept that crying is okay, that showing how you’re broken is okay, that asking for help is okay…it doesn’t mean – I will be weaker. But it might help me to be less hard on myself…to break the walls I’ve built not letting anyone in, nurturing my pains inside…It is true – I’m so afraid of letting others see me being weak and lost that I would rather run away and lock myself in a dark quiet corner then let a friend help me.
So I seem to run in vicious circle: I am desperate to release my emotions in proper way to get over them, yet I find it so hard to do. To be vulnerable enough to open up, to let the others see my weak part. It is almost the same as if in your time of need wishing with all your heart for someone to reach out, yet when someone does, pretend everything is fine and you are okay... When I was sitting there on a “stage” and eventually, encouraged by others, lost my strength and talk about my pain and cried and they’ve cried WITH me and not FOR me…well, that was some experience. I wouldn’t call it pleasant or productive in healing the initial hurt…but it was a first step toward accepting, not rejecting the part of me that shouldn’t be ignored just because I labelled her as negative. I realised that instead of suppressing her, I have to take care of her, of her needs to be vulnerable, have to acknowledge them and find ways to comfort them…all the easy-said-impossible-to-do words…but somehow I will find my ways to allow me NOT to be strong from time to time...
…I’ve been sitting in my favourite café few weeks ago and noticed advert on the wall about psychodrama workshop to explore the intimacy and separateness in relationships. Since my experience with counselling last October was more then disappointing, the idea of trying unconventional techniques looked attractive enough for me to book for this workshop. I went there on Saturday. Strange experience, but perhaps, not the one I’d be interested in any longer. The idea was – to “play out” some scenes from the real life of the participants and by re-playing scenes over and over, adjusting the outcome, helping the person to see things differently. Well, nothing wrong with the idea, isn’t it? I won’t describe every scene we played (there were 6 of us there, hence 6 different scenarios to go through – it was all day event) …I just say one thing. Despite of my strong feeling of “knowing the answer” for everyone else, my own revelations came as a surprise to me. What I didn’t know…well, I did, of course, but never admitted to myself! I do have at least one unresolved problem within me. And this workshop pulled it out of my pocket in no time. ..
Not that I never noticed this about me before. I just kind of…had different views on it. When I was sitting there, on “stage”, introducing myself (we’re supposed to tell briefly about issue we think we need help with) …so as I was telling what I find the most difficult in my coping with life’s situation, the other picked it up so very quickly, I was speechless. I never saw it the same way as them, but this was the beauty of the exercise – to get another perspective. There are two parts of me. It is not a surprise, I am sure all of us have many parts of the whole. So let me introduce External Me: strong and confident person. I’m told so very often I’m strong, that eventually I believed I am. Or maybe I was strong all along and received the confirmations from others all the time…so this is the image I have and I like it. It is good to be strong. It is peaceful and healthy to be sure in yourself. So obviously I like to present myself this way. I do things that would encourage this side of me to come forward. I find greatest joy in helping others, because this makes ME feel my own strength. I was never competitive since I remember me. No ambitions either. I suspect that this was because any efforts to be outstanding have this potential of failure and this will make me feel not so strong as I’d wish. So I simply choose the easy way of avoiding such things all together. As much as I can of course.
So here I am, all confident on my own life path…and walking steadily, I walked into the wall…boom, crash…shattered…and I’m no longer feeling strong and I’m no longer confident and sure in myself. in almost all aspects…so there is that other part of me stepping forward – the Weak Me. the one who has fears, reservations, all sorts of complexes and the most important – a range of emotions that the other part considers embarrassing to have. This side of me is drown in self-pity parties, afraid of the future and of course, hates herself for all of that. Uuughhh…ugly…
As a strong me I always thought that the weak one should go. That it is for my personal growth purpose that I have to work on getting rid of it. I hated her. I didn’t want to have her. I rejected the idea that I have her in me. What the others on the workshop made me realise…that I was wrong all along. This is a part of me. Without it – how would I feel emotions, passions, how would I sympathise with others, how would I care of myself properly?.. This is a part of me that needs to be acknowledged. I have to accept that crying is okay, that showing how you’re broken is okay, that asking for help is okay…it doesn’t mean – I will be weaker. But it might help me to be less hard on myself…to break the walls I’ve built not letting anyone in, nurturing my pains inside…It is true – I’m so afraid of letting others see me being weak and lost that I would rather run away and lock myself in a dark quiet corner then let a friend help me.
So I seem to run in vicious circle: I am desperate to release my emotions in proper way to get over them, yet I find it so hard to do. To be vulnerable enough to open up, to let the others see my weak part. It is almost the same as if in your time of need wishing with all your heart for someone to reach out, yet when someone does, pretend everything is fine and you are okay... When I was sitting there on a “stage” and eventually, encouraged by others, lost my strength and talk about my pain and cried and they’ve cried WITH me and not FOR me…well, that was some experience. I wouldn’t call it pleasant or productive in healing the initial hurt…but it was a first step toward accepting, not rejecting the part of me that shouldn’t be ignored just because I labelled her as negative. I realised that instead of suppressing her, I have to take care of her, of her needs to be vulnerable, have to acknowledge them and find ways to comfort them…all the easy-said-impossible-to-do words…but somehow I will find my ways to allow me NOT to be strong from time to time...