I truly didn’t intend to offend anyone and if I accidently did, I am sorry for that. Sure I do have an idea of where I did cross the line between being too familiar friendly and being just friendly polite…well, what said is said and as I said: I apologies if familiarity offended few…things happened and we do bounce off some people because we cannot stick together on the collision…mind you, I didn’t take off comments for anyone in particular, I am not that touchy, you know. As strange as it sounds, I enjoy it, actually. I mean – not having a feedback can be rather liberating sometimes. As I’ve mentioned to my friend: it gives me a license to say daring things...*evilish giggle*… oh, and once we at it, a thank you goes to those who reached out, you know who you are ;-)
I’ve been communicating with someone I’ve met some time ago on Daily Strength site. Because we have similar problems, we do occasionally share our ways of dealing with them…recently I was pleasantly surprised to know that some of what I’ve written actually helped in reality. Wow I said to myself and wow. Not that I didn’t expect this to work, but I am kind of convinced that there isn’t one single pill to take for everyone and that what works for some, might be useless to others…anyway, it was a pleasant wow and here are some thoughts off that...
…The most unhelpful thing about counselling is that they inclined to convince you that you ARE depressed, you DO need help and they cut your mind open to extract what’s in there so that you can throw away what’s no longer needed. From the first look it looks like a great plan, doesn’t? Unfortunately, I happened to develop a different opinion. (Well, perhaps, not unfortunate, just different)
See, I said to myself: if you come to the counselling, saying I'm a looser and I'm depressed and they will say to you: yes, you are depressed, would it make you feel better? No way, you've just received a confirmation that you are a looser from a professional who supposed to get you out of loosership! Granted, by examining the reasons why you feel this way you might see how to turn them the other way so that instead of negative effect, they will affect you positively. Well, that’s too long way to my liking. If I have come to the point when I admit I’m depressed, I wanna get “undepressed” as soon as possible. The same like when a patient comes to the dr with a pain of unknown nature, the dr will give them painkillers first to stop them from suffering and then investigate the cause. Besides, it is always more efficient to fight the disease when you’ve got energy and strength to do it. So it is only logical when in pain instead of cutting deeper into the wound, first to take off the dangerous inflammation then the patient will be able to help with the healing…
What I found the most useful in my own situation was: if a thought come to me that is unpleasant, I try to replace her with something pleasant for the time being. Doesn't mean I don't get to think it through, just in my experience, the first moment we think negative happened when we think negative "emotionally", as opposed to “practically” - we rather “feel” the thought, often even cannot identify it properly, it just hurts. It is big, it blinds us and blocks our common sense, immobilising from further moves.
Say, for example, recently I went to bed and hugging my favourite bed buddy – cute cuddly teddy bear, I've started to cry about feeling lonely. Immediately, all the flashbacks of the past came to mind, bringing out even more tears...gee, I didn’t realised I miss it so much! Now, do I have any choice though? Would crying magically bring someone real into my bed right now, at this particular moment? Mind understands that it would not, yet heart refuses to accept this ONLY option I have. Imagine a child screaming in hysteric over some toy he saw in the shop, but his parents couldn't afford to buy it? No reasonable arguments will calm the child. Because a child has not learned to manage his wants. He only knows how to want. There is that saying: when you can't have what you want, learn to want what you have.
But we are not kids anymore, you and I, right? We do understand the difference between what we can do and what's beyond our control. So in my case of crying there is obviously absolutely nothing I could do AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT OF CRYING. This is the crucial part here: notice how I am not trying to convince myself that night cuddles in bed is something I can never have anymore. I'm just trying to see it clearly that NOW, when it is 11 pm on Saturday night, and I'm in my pyjamas in my bed, there is absolutely NOT a tiniest chance a stranger is gonna drop off the skies by magic and straight into my arms...what was that point of me crying, again? Are you getting my drift? I'm not denying the possibility, I merely moving the possibility to the more realistic time frame. NOT NOW, but definitely in future. I found this works for me more often then it doesn’t. So why not use the method, if it helps in about 85%? I think, it’s worth it with such good of probability, don't you?
The other thing is...you don't go looking for a single cure. you find as many things that work for you as possible, so that when you are having hard times, you apply one and if it doesn't work, you apply another...and if this one doesn't work either, invent a new way of dealing with the situation. It doesn't have to be the same solution every time.
This fits nicely with my previous suggestion to shift priorities: by rearranging the order of you looking at things, you give your mind a welcome break from the issue that wears you out and locks you in a dead end. You don't have to solve the issue right now, you just put it to side temporary till the better times when you'll get stronger. And how can you get stronger? Easy - you prioritise something else, something that you know you can achieve. Once you achieved your new personal goal, you'll automatically feel stronger; because you will be more confident, you'll be full of positive emotions due to your achievement, you'll feel as if you can spin the world the other way round...THEN you could try to return to your initial problem and try to tackle it again. And if it won't work again, do something else again, gaining and accumulating your personal strength and power by getting POSITIVE perceptions of you.
When dealing with personal issues, always remember: there is NO DEADLINE for solving your problems, apart from the deadlines YOU set up YOURSELF. Move your deadline for the later, you'll feel a relief immediately. In the meantime make preparations to meet the deadline.
When I went to see my parents this summer, it wasn't overall pleasant experience, as I had to do a lot of fake smiling and keeping my head up so they won’t get upset for me, so I did my crying at nights, under the blanket...but afterwards it felt that that it was the right thing to do (visiting, not crying, of course) Because it makes me feel like I've achieved something - I did something I would normally do in my "normal" life – a somewhat sense of returning back to the normality. And it doesn't matter that it was more difficult then it used to be, gee, I thought, I'd never be able to do normal things ever again...and now I'm half-way there! So, be proud that you made first steps, no matter how you'd feel in the process. With time the walking will be happening naturally again. We just have to learn those first steps, like a child.
Hmmm…I wrote this and I thought this is not just divorce-related anymore. You can apply the same logic to any issue, really, couldn’t you? Whatever brings you down over the course of your life, don’t stand in limbo for too long…give yourself time to grasp for the air and accept this has happened then take your life back into your hands.
I’ve been communicating with someone I’ve met some time ago on Daily Strength site. Because we have similar problems, we do occasionally share our ways of dealing with them…recently I was pleasantly surprised to know that some of what I’ve written actually helped in reality. Wow I said to myself and wow. Not that I didn’t expect this to work, but I am kind of convinced that there isn’t one single pill to take for everyone and that what works for some, might be useless to others…anyway, it was a pleasant wow and here are some thoughts off that...
…The most unhelpful thing about counselling is that they inclined to convince you that you ARE depressed, you DO need help and they cut your mind open to extract what’s in there so that you can throw away what’s no longer needed. From the first look it looks like a great plan, doesn’t? Unfortunately, I happened to develop a different opinion. (Well, perhaps, not unfortunate, just different)
See, I said to myself: if you come to the counselling, saying I'm a looser and I'm depressed and they will say to you: yes, you are depressed, would it make you feel better? No way, you've just received a confirmation that you are a looser from a professional who supposed to get you out of loosership! Granted, by examining the reasons why you feel this way you might see how to turn them the other way so that instead of negative effect, they will affect you positively. Well, that’s too long way to my liking. If I have come to the point when I admit I’m depressed, I wanna get “undepressed” as soon as possible. The same like when a patient comes to the dr with a pain of unknown nature, the dr will give them painkillers first to stop them from suffering and then investigate the cause. Besides, it is always more efficient to fight the disease when you’ve got energy and strength to do it. So it is only logical when in pain instead of cutting deeper into the wound, first to take off the dangerous inflammation then the patient will be able to help with the healing…
What I found the most useful in my own situation was: if a thought come to me that is unpleasant, I try to replace her with something pleasant for the time being. Doesn't mean I don't get to think it through, just in my experience, the first moment we think negative happened when we think negative "emotionally", as opposed to “practically” - we rather “feel” the thought, often even cannot identify it properly, it just hurts. It is big, it blinds us and blocks our common sense, immobilising from further moves.
Say, for example, recently I went to bed and hugging my favourite bed buddy – cute cuddly teddy bear, I've started to cry about feeling lonely. Immediately, all the flashbacks of the past came to mind, bringing out even more tears...gee, I didn’t realised I miss it so much! Now, do I have any choice though? Would crying magically bring someone real into my bed right now, at this particular moment? Mind understands that it would not, yet heart refuses to accept this ONLY option I have. Imagine a child screaming in hysteric over some toy he saw in the shop, but his parents couldn't afford to buy it? No reasonable arguments will calm the child. Because a child has not learned to manage his wants. He only knows how to want. There is that saying: when you can't have what you want, learn to want what you have.
But we are not kids anymore, you and I, right? We do understand the difference between what we can do and what's beyond our control. So in my case of crying there is obviously absolutely nothing I could do AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT OF CRYING. This is the crucial part here: notice how I am not trying to convince myself that night cuddles in bed is something I can never have anymore. I'm just trying to see it clearly that NOW, when it is 11 pm on Saturday night, and I'm in my pyjamas in my bed, there is absolutely NOT a tiniest chance a stranger is gonna drop off the skies by magic and straight into my arms...what was that point of me crying, again? Are you getting my drift? I'm not denying the possibility, I merely moving the possibility to the more realistic time frame. NOT NOW, but definitely in future. I found this works for me more often then it doesn’t. So why not use the method, if it helps in about 85%? I think, it’s worth it with such good of probability, don't you?
The other thing is...you don't go looking for a single cure. you find as many things that work for you as possible, so that when you are having hard times, you apply one and if it doesn't work, you apply another...and if this one doesn't work either, invent a new way of dealing with the situation. It doesn't have to be the same solution every time.
This fits nicely with my previous suggestion to shift priorities: by rearranging the order of you looking at things, you give your mind a welcome break from the issue that wears you out and locks you in a dead end. You don't have to solve the issue right now, you just put it to side temporary till the better times when you'll get stronger. And how can you get stronger? Easy - you prioritise something else, something that you know you can achieve. Once you achieved your new personal goal, you'll automatically feel stronger; because you will be more confident, you'll be full of positive emotions due to your achievement, you'll feel as if you can spin the world the other way round...THEN you could try to return to your initial problem and try to tackle it again. And if it won't work again, do something else again, gaining and accumulating your personal strength and power by getting POSITIVE perceptions of you.
When dealing with personal issues, always remember: there is NO DEADLINE for solving your problems, apart from the deadlines YOU set up YOURSELF. Move your deadline for the later, you'll feel a relief immediately. In the meantime make preparations to meet the deadline.
When I went to see my parents this summer, it wasn't overall pleasant experience, as I had to do a lot of fake smiling and keeping my head up so they won’t get upset for me, so I did my crying at nights, under the blanket...but afterwards it felt that that it was the right thing to do (visiting, not crying, of course) Because it makes me feel like I've achieved something - I did something I would normally do in my "normal" life – a somewhat sense of returning back to the normality. And it doesn't matter that it was more difficult then it used to be, gee, I thought, I'd never be able to do normal things ever again...and now I'm half-way there! So, be proud that you made first steps, no matter how you'd feel in the process. With time the walking will be happening naturally again. We just have to learn those first steps, like a child.
Hmmm…I wrote this and I thought this is not just divorce-related anymore. You can apply the same logic to any issue, really, couldn’t you? Whatever brings you down over the course of your life, don’t stand in limbo for too long…give yourself time to grasp for the air and accept this has happened then take your life back into your hands.