I’ve noticed how when the body gets weaker, the spirit is struggling too…it was only few days ago when a friend claimed my words inspired him by their positive strength and it took only two days for me to loose all of that to the weather…spending whole day in bed might sound like a wonderfully intriguing idea…spending two days in bed with the cold and a soft toy as your company doesn’t bring that much fun as it might seems at first…instead it brings too many of unnecessary thoughts because thinking is the only thing one can do when they can do nothing…
So I’ve been thinking…and it wasn’t pretty…the adequacy of a friendship came to mind more often then anything else…I remembered someone said they have doubts if they are adequate as a friend. The fact that they have always been a great fully adequate friend from where I see it, doesn’t matter. What I pondered was – how does one know if they are adequate?..
There is that common belief: treat others like you wish to be treated yourself…I suppose this is the closest definition of adequacy. Sometimes I notice how I do things and then wonder why I did what I did and there is no apparent reason except from the fact that it “makes me feel better”…but why it does? Maybe, just maybe this is the subconscious working of reverse psychology? Maybe when we wish to receive a smile or to hear the voice or to simply feel that we are not forgotten, we subconsciously begin to smile, start talking, reaching out?...not to get a reaction back, but just because we are not receiving, we replace it by giving? It is still the same action, isn’t it? It is a smile or a voice or a touch…does it really matter which way it goes?
So laying there, in the silence of communication, absence of the phone calls, with the deaf&mute plush bedbuddy, stubbornly rejecting the option to reach out to anyone who can talk me back, naturally, I went through all the “usual” stages of moodiness, from feeling endlessly lonely, pitying myself for that, to the later state of sarcasm, mostly directed at me for being so naïve to have expectations (you must be mad?!)…usually the cycle ends with the getting out of there self-cheer, gradually overgrowing into contentment with life: things are as they are…it is always like this, so I’m used to it…in the end of a day who of us haven’t felt inadequate at least once…and it is not always because we do not fulfil somebody’s expectations, but because someone didn’t fulfilled ours…yet it is us whom we blame for that…(now, that is silly, really, I wonder where did this come from)
I might’ve let myself to be sick for a little bit longer, but Friday just happened to be such a gorgeous day, it would’ve been shame to miss it! (and of course I wouldn’t know Friday being such a day, if not for a business meeting that I had previously committed to attend) so…the day was BEAUTIFUL. After the meeting I walked outside and ahhhhh...the air was so insanely transparent, it felt as if filling your lungs with the freshest emptiness...the sun stroked the spires of the oxford's colleges and the people walked like a sleepy flies, shutting their eyes in disbelief to the brightness of a sun...simply gorgeous...it was a shame to waste such a day in the office's darkness, so I treated myself to the lunch in the open air cafe, doing nothing but people watching while munching my...smoked salmon&cheese bagel and a coffee...oh yessssssssssss...it was high grade treaty today! So perfect, it was almost like a dream....I had a strange wish to close my eyes and purrrr…
Sorry what was that I was going to say?...hmmm…never mind…perhaps, it was that there is always time for everything…and that this time shall pass, and another time will come and will take us for a ride up and down again and again…but this doesn’t change the fact that the day will start no matter if we get up or not, that the weather outside won’t be striving to match our mood, and that we will never be able to change what’s beyond our control…
So I’ve been thinking…and it wasn’t pretty…the adequacy of a friendship came to mind more often then anything else…I remembered someone said they have doubts if they are adequate as a friend. The fact that they have always been a great fully adequate friend from where I see it, doesn’t matter. What I pondered was – how does one know if they are adequate?..
There is that common belief: treat others like you wish to be treated yourself…I suppose this is the closest definition of adequacy. Sometimes I notice how I do things and then wonder why I did what I did and there is no apparent reason except from the fact that it “makes me feel better”…but why it does? Maybe, just maybe this is the subconscious working of reverse psychology? Maybe when we wish to receive a smile or to hear the voice or to simply feel that we are not forgotten, we subconsciously begin to smile, start talking, reaching out?...not to get a reaction back, but just because we are not receiving, we replace it by giving? It is still the same action, isn’t it? It is a smile or a voice or a touch…does it really matter which way it goes?
So laying there, in the silence of communication, absence of the phone calls, with the deaf&mute plush bedbuddy, stubbornly rejecting the option to reach out to anyone who can talk me back, naturally, I went through all the “usual” stages of moodiness, from feeling endlessly lonely, pitying myself for that, to the later state of sarcasm, mostly directed at me for being so naïve to have expectations (you must be mad?!)…usually the cycle ends with the getting out of there self-cheer, gradually overgrowing into contentment with life: things are as they are…it is always like this, so I’m used to it…in the end of a day who of us haven’t felt inadequate at least once…and it is not always because we do not fulfil somebody’s expectations, but because someone didn’t fulfilled ours…yet it is us whom we blame for that…(now, that is silly, really, I wonder where did this come from)
I might’ve let myself to be sick for a little bit longer, but Friday just happened to be such a gorgeous day, it would’ve been shame to miss it! (and of course I wouldn’t know Friday being such a day, if not for a business meeting that I had previously committed to attend) so…the day was BEAUTIFUL. After the meeting I walked outside and ahhhhh...the air was so insanely transparent, it felt as if filling your lungs with the freshest emptiness...the sun stroked the spires of the oxford's colleges and the people walked like a sleepy flies, shutting their eyes in disbelief to the brightness of a sun...simply gorgeous...it was a shame to waste such a day in the office's darkness, so I treated myself to the lunch in the open air cafe, doing nothing but people watching while munching my...smoked salmon&cheese bagel and a coffee...oh yessssssssssss...it was high grade treaty today! So perfect, it was almost like a dream....I had a strange wish to close my eyes and purrrr…
Sorry what was that I was going to say?...hmmm…never mind…perhaps, it was that there is always time for everything…and that this time shall pass, and another time will come and will take us for a ride up and down again and again…but this doesn’t change the fact that the day will start no matter if we get up or not, that the weather outside won’t be striving to match our mood, and that we will never be able to change what’s beyond our control…