Time doesn’t leave me much choice…it is either time to ponder or time to take all as it is…I’ve been wondering about percentages recently…as in how many times do humans miss things compare to the ones they manage to grab...what is the ratio, do you think? 10/90, perhaps?...what is the percentage of the words said and thoughts never whispered...what is the relation between what we feel about others and what we let others to feel about us...how do we split our inner world, which piece of him inside, which - outside for everyone to see...
This is not just about personal ability to be vulnerable or to protect yourself with the thick walls. This is also about how much of what we wish to say, we don’t…what we listen to and what we choose to hear…it is about personal choice each of us makes about ourselves in relation to others…where is my place? What side I am on? Yours? Or mine? It is easy to label people as “easy-to-be-with” and “difficult”…it has nothing to do with the personal qualities though, I think. It is all about how this person see himself within the crowd.
I know I can be an “easy-to-be-with” with many…yet I also aware of myself being difficult with some. The thing is…I do not do it intentionally. Or so it seems to me anyway. I am difficult with the people who are difficult to me. hmmm…vicious circle, huh? A lot being said about action and reaction…we act, receive a feedback and then react to their reaction to us…I wonder who is to blame for being difficult then? Maybe there isn’t such thing as “difficult person”? maybe all that there is – is them chosen to expose only that part of them which they find comfortable to open…
Some people might be determined to walk through your walls…some people are even capable of doing this. I know of few…For some we build the fake wall intentionally to encourage them to meet the challenge…it is not as much that I protect my inner world from you. it is more that I have to see if you wish to know it…it is my choice how much I share, as well as their choice of how much they are interested in knowing…the same works in reverse. When I’m interested in someone, I do not want to miss any pieces of what they are, even if it seems to be none of my business generally speaking…
I remember in the past it upset me not once that my family didn’t seem to care about what makes me smile, what brings me joy…one can argue that in general we do know of likes and dislikes of our loved ones. We can tell in advance what they might enjoy or what would make them sick…but I’m talking of another things, not material things…I’ve been writing diary since around 2002…never had any questions asked about it. In a way it used to upset me back then. The unwillingness to know that side of me, which I didn’t hide, mind you. There was that sense that they only used that part of me that I was giving them directly…but hey, I do have other parts of me too…in fact, I think that other parts of me are bigger then the narrow-purpose-oriented…I share more with more people and all are welcomed to it…yet the very ones whom I cared to be interested…they never were…it is amusing to realize that all my family knew about my travels were the dates I’ve been there and the photographs I brought back…they simply never bothered to ask me to share my personal experiences…it used to upset me back then…perhaps, it still does; occasionally I have these blueish thoughts of not being seen as a “whole” … I just happened to think that even what I share here is more of a person that is ME compare to what I share one-to-one with any of those with whom I do share…I do not adjust what I say here to anyone in particular, here I do not filter me down. This is the Bigger Pot of stuff I’m made of…so why there is hardly anyone willing to take a sip, but preferring me to serve it to them in a crystal glass of personalized potion…gee, I’m being grumpy now…not reflecting my mood though, mind you. It started off as a brief note about ratio between what we give and what we keep to ourselves…but such is the thinking…you never know where it will lead you in the end…
This is not just about personal ability to be vulnerable or to protect yourself with the thick walls. This is also about how much of what we wish to say, we don’t…what we listen to and what we choose to hear…it is about personal choice each of us makes about ourselves in relation to others…where is my place? What side I am on? Yours? Or mine? It is easy to label people as “easy-to-be-with” and “difficult”…it has nothing to do with the personal qualities though, I think. It is all about how this person see himself within the crowd.
I know I can be an “easy-to-be-with” with many…yet I also aware of myself being difficult with some. The thing is…I do not do it intentionally. Or so it seems to me anyway. I am difficult with the people who are difficult to me. hmmm…vicious circle, huh? A lot being said about action and reaction…we act, receive a feedback and then react to their reaction to us…I wonder who is to blame for being difficult then? Maybe there isn’t such thing as “difficult person”? maybe all that there is – is them chosen to expose only that part of them which they find comfortable to open…
Some people might be determined to walk through your walls…some people are even capable of doing this. I know of few…For some we build the fake wall intentionally to encourage them to meet the challenge…it is not as much that I protect my inner world from you. it is more that I have to see if you wish to know it…it is my choice how much I share, as well as their choice of how much they are interested in knowing…the same works in reverse. When I’m interested in someone, I do not want to miss any pieces of what they are, even if it seems to be none of my business generally speaking…
I remember in the past it upset me not once that my family didn’t seem to care about what makes me smile, what brings me joy…one can argue that in general we do know of likes and dislikes of our loved ones. We can tell in advance what they might enjoy or what would make them sick…but I’m talking of another things, not material things…I’ve been writing diary since around 2002…never had any questions asked about it. In a way it used to upset me back then. The unwillingness to know that side of me, which I didn’t hide, mind you. There was that sense that they only used that part of me that I was giving them directly…but hey, I do have other parts of me too…in fact, I think that other parts of me are bigger then the narrow-purpose-oriented…I share more with more people and all are welcomed to it…yet the very ones whom I cared to be interested…they never were…it is amusing to realize that all my family knew about my travels were the dates I’ve been there and the photographs I brought back…they simply never bothered to ask me to share my personal experiences…it used to upset me back then…perhaps, it still does; occasionally I have these blueish thoughts of not being seen as a “whole” … I just happened to think that even what I share here is more of a person that is ME compare to what I share one-to-one with any of those with whom I do share…I do not adjust what I say here to anyone in particular, here I do not filter me down. This is the Bigger Pot of stuff I’m made of…so why there is hardly anyone willing to take a sip, but preferring me to serve it to them in a crystal glass of personalized potion…gee, I’m being grumpy now…not reflecting my mood though, mind you. It started off as a brief note about ratio between what we give and what we keep to ourselves…but such is the thinking…you never know where it will lead you in the end…