It’s been a year. For some it could’ve been a year of freedom, certainly for ex it’s been a year of a wonderful new life with a new love and excitement of everything changed. Everything except of him. For me it was the hardest journey I ever walked in my life, even though I haven’t been challenged that much by daily hardships and it wasn't exactly the struggle to survive in materialistic world...In my life I have known much harder times in that respect. The journey was all within and I could never say it was a walk in a park. I cannot say also that I’ve completed it yet. Though I’m sure I am on my way. Between the two of us we split the “load” and as usual I’ve got the hardest part. I suppose the leavers never get to experience it so deep, they did all the needed changes way before they left, in their own pace and a comfort of not being pressed against it. For them the leaving was the end. For me – the beginning. I’m not grateful for the challenges. While they might’ve made me stronger, they didn’t make me better. I am the same as I always was. Yet I changed. How could it be the same time, I don’t know. It’s just feels this way. Nothing inside me changed. But my eyes see things differently. My response to things is different. Perhaps, this is more of reality that I’ve noticed before.
Lately I’ve been thinking of my past more then I should. Partly for the bitter anniversaries that nudged me out of my comfort zone. Partly, perhaps, because I needed that one last look over my shoulder before walking away for goods. A talk with a friend made me realize something important. I found that although it still hurts to think of it, it hurts for a different reason. It used to be that I missed ex as a person, as a friend, as a lover, the physical presence of him, etc. Now what I miss more are the things that I actually never had, not in the last years of marriage at least…it seems like what I miss the most is my own dreams, my very own fantasy of ideal relationship…which, let me be honest with myself, I never really had. And it hurts that now, when I know exactly how I want my relationship to be, the one with whom I could’ve turn it this way together, has already left it. The great secret of happiness is not finding whom you want to be with, but knowing what you want to have with them.
I said to myself today: let it be the last time you'll mull over the past. I know, I know and I have heard not once about letting go of the past to make space for the future. I am aware that I’m not doing enough to get there. But there is nobody else’s business what I think and what I feel and I can grab the threads of rain outside my window and pull them closer above my head and turn this Tuesday into a wet day inside out, if I wish so. Just the same way as tomorrow I can let the sun in and open the door to the new day.
As I suspect I might want to come back to this entry in a year time or so to see how far I’ve got since. So I want to remind myself of this beautiful story of two monks, as it is a good metaphor for today.
There are two monks traveling on a long walking journey. As monks they have vowed not to have physical contact with women. As they approach a deep and rapidly moving river, a woman comes to them, and asks if one of them could assist her in crossing the river. One monk volunteers immediately, and carries her across the most perilous parts. When they are safe on the other side of the river, the monk and woman part, the woman very grateful for his kindness. The two monks proceed on their journey. A few hours later, the other monk begins questioning the monk who helped the woman, "You broke your vows by carrying the woman across the river, why did you do that?" The other monk responds, "I left the woman a long time ago at the bank, however, you seem to be carrying her still.”
My dear Me, remember to leave a man at a bank...
Lately I’ve been thinking of my past more then I should. Partly for the bitter anniversaries that nudged me out of my comfort zone. Partly, perhaps, because I needed that one last look over my shoulder before walking away for goods. A talk with a friend made me realize something important. I found that although it still hurts to think of it, it hurts for a different reason. It used to be that I missed ex as a person, as a friend, as a lover, the physical presence of him, etc. Now what I miss more are the things that I actually never had, not in the last years of marriage at least…it seems like what I miss the most is my own dreams, my very own fantasy of ideal relationship…which, let me be honest with myself, I never really had. And it hurts that now, when I know exactly how I want my relationship to be, the one with whom I could’ve turn it this way together, has already left it. The great secret of happiness is not finding whom you want to be with, but knowing what you want to have with them.
I said to myself today: let it be the last time you'll mull over the past. I know, I know and I have heard not once about letting go of the past to make space for the future. I am aware that I’m not doing enough to get there. But there is nobody else’s business what I think and what I feel and I can grab the threads of rain outside my window and pull them closer above my head and turn this Tuesday into a wet day inside out, if I wish so. Just the same way as tomorrow I can let the sun in and open the door to the new day.
As I suspect I might want to come back to this entry in a year time or so to see how far I’ve got since. So I want to remind myself of this beautiful story of two monks, as it is a good metaphor for today.
There are two monks traveling on a long walking journey. As monks they have vowed not to have physical contact with women. As they approach a deep and rapidly moving river, a woman comes to them, and asks if one of them could assist her in crossing the river. One monk volunteers immediately, and carries her across the most perilous parts. When they are safe on the other side of the river, the monk and woman part, the woman very grateful for his kindness. The two monks proceed on their journey. A few hours later, the other monk begins questioning the monk who helped the woman, "You broke your vows by carrying the woman across the river, why did you do that?" The other monk responds, "I left the woman a long time ago at the bank, however, you seem to be carrying her still.”
My dear Me, remember to leave a man at a bank...