Some time ago, in the beginning of my journey back a friend shared with me the words they heard from a divorced woman: “I have no use for men”…and although I know this statement will not be appreciated by some, I still cannot get these words out of my mind…they stuck in my mind ever since…they became a frame of my life…when I cry myself to sleep feeling too lonely in my bed, I whisper “I have no need for men”, squeezing teddy-bear tighter…when I solved a problem I never imagined myself being able to cope with, I would say to myself with a pride: “I have no need for men”…when I watch other families and notice breaches in relationships I never noticed before, I congratulate myself for being free from it…when I dream of my future, a dream never has anyone in it, it is always a dream of my own security, of my own travels, of things I would do for me…there is no place for a men in my dreams…somehow I cannot see my life shared with someone anymore…you are welcome if you come and bring a joy, but I am not making emotional investment into long-term co-existence anymore, I have learn my lesson…so once the joy is over, hit the road, Jack…I know not a single thing that a man can do which I cannot do…I have no use for men…and if it sounds bitter, so be it.
Once you’ve learned not to have expectations, it becomes easy to get along with friends, lovers, acquaintances…I might have my own opinion on what I deserve to have, but it is not another’s problem to provide it for me. It is not that it doesn’t hurt when they don’t. But it is simply not worth of beating my head on the wall over it. Be as you pleased, I don’t need you to change your behaviour for the sake of pleasing me. What’s the point in doing it, when it’s not from your heart...somehow I can sense when it isn’t…
All this week I’ve been shopping madly…for my magic friend. For my car…someone made a joke: “you are having a hot wheels romance”…I don’t care. I’m “nesting in”. My car has now that special me-feel to her and it makes me happy, so who cares if I am coming out as fetishist...
I don’t know why people get upset over “giving up their dreams”. Some dreams when we let them go, set us free in return. It’s like spring cleaning your closet. You could clutter it with all the dreams without potential to come true out of a sentiment or out of a silly notion that somehow when we stop having a dream, we “betray” it. Or “stop being true to ourselves”. If something is not working, why should we keep it. Giving up a dream might not be that bad at certain times. It saves from future disappointments.
It’s Friday here. And it is a good thing that it is. It is only after you’ve experiences black stripe in life, you begin to appreciate the gray one.