It is not that I didn’t know it will happen…The Kid dreamed about thist for such a long time, it was kind of written in his Destiny Book that he will travel far to the East. Though that he would stay there to live wasn’t part of the supreme plan in the beginning. But his fate’s hand dealt the cards and I’m now left to deal with the yet another challenge that I never thought I would have to face. My son has now left for his exciting Asian Adventure. He’ll wander around Japan, then South Korea, then China. And after that he will stay in Hong Kong. He ended up with a job offer there the same moment he resigned from his previous job. How more straight forward the fate can let us know which direction to follow. As a mum, I’m overwhelmingly happy for him being given all these opportunities to experience life to its fullest. As mum’s, my heart is aching for him being so far away…As a cool mum, I won’t selfishly prevent my child from getting the best from life and yes, he is not a child anymore, but yes, I will always think of him as a child. And yes again – it is a “must have” life’s lesson to learn to let go when your kids overgrown their nest. And yes, I’ve been through this before when he left for university and off to carry on with his own life. And once more yes – that was a difficult lesson in its time, but I’ve been a good learner. In a way I can say I have let him go 6 years ago, when he first left my home and I have done it well.
This time it is different…more about me then him. 6 years ago when he left I was not alone. I still had a good marriage and a partner I could rely on. We were there for each other…This time. I’m not yet sure how I feel about it. I’m sad, of course. And I’m kind of scared. Just a tiny little bit, yet still. The fear’s scent lingers around realization that I’m all on my own on this Little Island now. I have not a single kindred soul here and my closest family is 2 days away from me. It is a bit unnerving right now. I’m sure it’ll be fine as the time goes by and I’ll be picking up the evidences that I’m strong and able and all. In truth I am feeling like that most of the time. But there are rare moments when a thought that I have no one close to me I can rely on in my time of need makes me shiver from uncomfortable chill. There is also something more about this fear. People do leave to be on their own all the time, even for my son his leave will be the same as for me - he will stay in a foreign land totally on his own. And he is not afraid a single bit. I could see it, his anticipation, impatiently passionate enthusiasm, he is so excited about this adventure, he does not worry of the silly things, confident in himself, trusting in his own power. I had a thought, I could've been like this too. I had experienced something like that when went to my own travels few years back in time. No fear, trust in self, full speed and fair sail. The divorce has somehow altered this. With the lost trust in another, trust in self has also gone. Even though now I know I will be fine in any circumstances after I've learned to be fine on my own, this is kind of lesson I would never want to have to do the revision again, even on a smaller, "crash-course" scale. But I also see there is another side to this fear. The dark side. The fear of loosing the sense of purpose. Coming to this place hasn't been my own choice. Choosing to staying here - was. And now I fear that if I'd want to find the reason why I am where I am, there won't be any reasons left to choose from.
A friend noted recently:
“…there is the odd-seeming scenario wherein you had been trotted off to this 'new land' once upon a time, and scratched out a place for yourself there, with at least two REASONS to BE there... and now, fatefully, it seems those 'reasons' for your being on the Isle have vacated the premises and left you there for reasons you cannot entirely grasp…”
This is very close to how I feel right now. Struggling with the reasons…