I’ve been thinking generally about the writing in this place. Things certainly changed. Or is it me who changed. I still do enjoy to write, though it doesn’t feel like a need to express myself, more like a occasional choice of pleasure. I’ve been thinking why and I came to the conclusion that it was the need to share which used to drive me before. The need has gone now. And I am not really interested to know why. I’ve just grown not to bother people with my thoughts. In the end of a day who cares and why would anyone have to.
I have a lengthy interesting conversations with myself. I laugh at what I’d say at times and I get angry at other times. I admire my wit at times and at times label myself as an idiot. But in all times I’m my own perfect listener and there is truly that advantage of not needed anyone external for a perfect conversation, I can have it with me any time, any moment, any topic. Long time ago a friend said to me everyone needs to be noticed by someone else. Well, I guess, I have managed to overcome this need. I quit sharing. I'm not interested. People normally are not interested. Why force them. People share mostly because they believe the others will fulfill their need. I don't want attention, I beleive I'm the only one who can fulfill my needs. And I’m content with this. In fact, I’m more content then I used to be when I used this diary for geting over stuff that challenged me. So the question one can be asking now is what I am doing right here right now. I guess, I am somewhat attached to this place, I’ve been here long enough to be able to page back and see how different I have grown out of the me that I used to be once. So, my dear Me, if sometime in future you will feel curious enough to wander in this place, this is my note for you:
at present, as of December 2010, you are in peace with what you’ve become. You have occasional slips from time to time, moments when you do not feel all that confident in your future, but generally, you are okay. So try to stay this way.
And since I’m in editing mode anyway, here are some of my thoughts of lately.
I observed it so many times - people that are brilliant, smart, highly efficient in their career, people who are well organised and seemengly have life with no troubles, often have problems with children. With kids it is always “I had it hard, let them have it easy then". We tend to be overprotective. We say let them enjoy the care free childhood for a little bit longer, we are capable of giving them at least that much. So we take care of our kinds, we make decisions for them and plan their future because “it is easier and besides, we know better”. And then when we finally wish to see them flying and we let them go, they do not know what to do with their life. Because all they know is how to ask daddy. They rebel against dependency as they grow, but find themselves incapable of dealing with the life on their own. I’m not talking of financial support, actually. There is no spirit in the most modern children, nor inspiration or thirst for life, no wish to make their life somewhat different from general cliché the society developed. The thrill, the inspiration, the wish for more has to be born in the challenges we have to face. And with children we tend to go out of our way to shield them from challenges. Just because we love them that much. We do not notice it when the power of Easy corrupts the soul and turns our kind into Consumers instead of Creators.
There is a difference between thinking of someone and making someone aware you’ve been thinking of them. You do the first one for your own pleasure. You know you’re thinking of another, it makes you feel good about yourself. It is all about you, what brings you the satisfaction. The secret of successful relationships, however, you have to want the other person to feel good. So you do things that you know or suspect will make them feel good. Even if you see it as superfluous, you still do it so that another feels great. Simple, really. Makes a whole world of difference.
I had an “episode” recently. It involved x. I wouldn't mention it, but there was a lesson in it, so it pays to write few notes about what I’ve learned. It was about some sum of money x got (obviously, the cheque came to my address, that’s how I know). Fair or not, it is not for me to say, it certainly felt not fair and personally I think he doesn’t deserve it, considering how he dealt with splitting assets back then. But this is not the point. It never occurred to him to ask if his son needs some help. I didn’t expect him giving away a round sum to the Kid, of course. But somehow I kind of thought he would at least show some interest in helping the Kid. I was having difficulties contemplating his ignorance, when a friend offered a simple approach that helped, really helped. My problem is that I still think of x as of a man I knew him as. But I haven’t had any contact whatsoever over more then 2 years now and I have no awareness of what he’s become. The image I have of him is stopped-in-time version. So surely I cannot expect from the new man things that I knew were natural to the old man. How silly of me. From now on this should be my Instant Fix Pill – a reminder that those two are not the same person. I wonder is it that place in time when the emotional attachment starts being replaced by the indifference…