Busy times and busy mind sorting out daily stuff.
So the page is turned over and what I discovered on the next one was not a blank sheet, but a long to-do list. Not that I’m overwhelmed by it as such. Well, I am. But this is kind of self-imposed obligations, I’d say. I want to make it all perfect and to make it all perfect now. Impatient I am. In truth, I’m somewhat slightly freaked out by the sudden responsibilities fallen onto me unexpectedly. I didn’t have chance to prepare for them.
I’ve been to Russia twice over the last two months. First time – for my father funerals. Then went there again within a month to bring my mother back to live with me. It was the only choice really. They should’ve come together, everything was ready, visas, tickets, plans. The native land didn’t let him go. It is got him now. A truly selfish twist of fate.
We arrived back to UK on 31st of October. Me and my mother. The journey wasn't easy, too many en route changes, too little convinience for disable passengers on Russian public transport and, in fact, all along the way until we landed in England. And from that moment everything became so much easier. It does make a difference, the possibilities here and there. This is just about the only good thing that easies my mind. One worry less, I suppose. To restore myself back to normality, this time in a single world, took me almost 3 years. Having this peace taken away at a single twist of fate I had a panic moment when I thought it almost brought me back to where I was in the begining.Yet it didn't. It was, indeed, just a fleeting moment of panic.
Never mind, perhaps, The Guy Up There, whoever he might be, has decided I had it too easy lately. Or that this will do for me, as I am not supposed to have any of my own needs or wants anymore. Life could be funny sometimes, eh. Such is she. Just when your tears about to dry out, she'll laugh at you again. It does take a lot of effort to adjust the house to a disable person, as my mother uses a walking frames and wheelchair. It might not be long when she won’t be able to climb the stairs, as she is struggling with them already. So something will have to be done about it. But for now the little things a fit person would never consider an issue make all the difference in her daily life. The total rearrangements of the kitchen cupboard, fitting new drawers for easy access, moving the furniture the way that would help her to move around the house safely, the ramp access to the door. There are lots of little things that I would ignore before, that need the alteration now. And that’s what I’ve been doing. All the time. All my life, it feels, only for a couple of last months in reality. I think, it is because it takes so much more effort from me, not quite experienced in DIY. Most of the time is spent on figuring out how to do something I need to be done. And it does gets done. Slowly, yes. But completed still. Makes me somewhat proud of myself. A self-safficient babe, I am, so there. Whatever is there in store for me, I can deal with it. If this sounds like I’m trying to convince myself, then I am.I feel the change in my heart and soul. Last events must’ve that side effect. Or, perhaps, I’ve changed before to come ready for the big change that was about to happen this Autumn. If I’d be given a chance to ask the Authority Up In The Skies for anything at all, I’d beg for no more of these. No more core changes please, I have too many in such a short time span, I feel exhausted just by thinking about them. I could do with a little bit of quiet time that is mine. Alas, right now that is not something likely to be granted. I have taken on a new responsibility for someone in permanent need of help on a daily basis. And I don’t have anyone to share this responsibility with. It is a little bit unnerving to realise I’m on my own in it. But what one can do, realistically. So i will deal with it. As I always dealt with all I had to deal with. For I am a survivor. (and If I am not yet, I shall become the one)
I remember that heavy sense of being as old as thousand years, remember the feeling of permanent fatique. The indifference to the life that happens all around me. I found now that my perception has become a different kind. The time of hiding in my own world has ended. The new chapter begins. The chapter dedicated to the family. To pay my dues. As a daughter. As a mother. Anything else seems to be a second-to-that choice. However, it is a choice still. I suspect I feel this way because I now have a knowledge of what I will be doing in my reasonably long-term future, when before the most distant plan I would manage was the tomorrow’s plan. In some way being aware of my limitations of what I can and what I cannot do anymore brought back the acceptance of do-what-you-can attitude for you never know for how long you might have this chance. It is not as if I’ve suddenly become inspired or motivated by a fairy tale dream or something. Just when you can’t have what you want, learn to want what you have...I read this somewhere some time ago and now it came back into my mind making much more sense then before.