We do feel sad at the passing, at loosing someone from our life, for one or another reason. What I came to understand, having been through both kind of loss, that our sadness is mostly related to our grief about us being left without, rather then about the one who left. We love and we let go. To the illness, to the death or to four winds. The choice to go is never ours. But the sadness always is. Blasphemous thought came to mind that in some way those who go have it “easier”. For the long illness it might be a relief of suffering, for the unexpected death, it’s just a matter of moments, with the personal choice, they have a luxury to be prepared for the parting. And it is the ones who stay behind that have to deal with the situation in a life-long term. How do we do that depends on individual, every one is different from the other ones. Some choose to bring forward all the good memories connected to the time spend together. Others prefer to close the door and never peek in it again. I’m a blocker. It is how I guard my heart and mind. Emotions can be powerful paralyzing force at times, so I’d rather pretend I don’t have them.
With the death of my father I suddenly discovered that I’m going through the same stages of emotional reactions that I went before already, grieving for my very much alive ex. I felt fear. I felt anger. I felt ground slipping away under my feet. I felt not being in control. Felt as if I’m living on autopilot without much participation in my own life. And also I felt that nudging need to move on. Just to move. Some where, doesn’t matter, as long as it is different place from where I am. So in fact, it appears that reaction to the loss in death or in separation is the same reaction. I suppose, I can differentiate them by the fact that at least when we lose a loved one to the death, we are somewhat comforted by the knowledge they loved us to the end. When we are abandoned, not only we have to find our feet on a ground again, but also to deal with what becomes a personal issue of being unworthy of love.
I’ve heard this somewhere that true love lasts forever and if it’s not forever, it isn’t true love then. I envy the woman who is loved like that. They might not accept it or don’t understand just how wonderfully lucky they are. They might not deserve it even. But they do have it and if I could, I would climb the highest mountain and scream in all my voice you’re fool, open your eyes, see he loves you, and be the one who deserves being loved that much...I’ve said enough of love. It was never my favourite topic.
I’m reminded of my favourite book The Speaker For The Dead by Orson Card. There are books you like and then there are ones that change your perception monumentally. Those are the ones we keep with us always. I do not even need to read it again to believe in its values religiously. I wish it wasn’t a fictional notion of someone to speak of a person after they died. Not to share their experience with them, friendship, relation or else, not to condemn or forgive the deceased, but rather a way to understand them as a whole. Having been on more then one funeral in my life, I remember always having that feeling of unsettledness with the fact that the person has gone and no one among those who came to say their goodbyes will ever know them as complete as they were. Not family, not friends, not lovers, relatives or colleagues. Each of them hold a piece of their puzzle. Yet neither could ever assemble the whole masterpiece. Many times I wish there would be someone impartial to do just that, to bring the person who is gone, alive and so very real. That’s what I would like it to be when my time will come. I once had a promise of a friend and I remember how I felt overwhelmed with such an honour. There has to be a lot of trust to let another to speak of you this way. Almost intimacy, for the one who does it will have to see you naked, stripped from all pretences...Friendship since has also become the topic I don't enjoy to talk about.
Funny how the whole entry is about everything I do not like to talk about. Guess, that's why it was needed to be said then.
MissTick
Thingish Things
1 Comment
- From:Supertrooper (Legacy)On:Tue Nov 22 2011Such a beautiful from the heart with truth and honesty entry ..made me well up . Grief is not an easy process and you have had too much in these last few years . Sending love and friendship as always . You are a deep thinking spiritual person with much to offer in life and love . I hope you find your soul mate too . Linda x