As if there is no better place to be right in the middle of every other task and worry. Funny enough, catching a cold made things easier for me in some way. Being strained and overwhelmed with the multiple challenges and even more so - with that disturbing sense of facing more of them still, once the body refused to cooperate and forced me to bed, literally, suddenly the mind has found the way to drop most of the self-imposed tasks, branding them as unnecessary. A sort of “natural selection” mechanism. Of course now, looking back into the list of To Do things that I managed to obligate myself with, I can see how many of them can wait. Some – till better times, some – until, like, never. Yes, sure it’ll be nice to have that done and to get this sorted...but...if I don’t, nothing will ever change for the worse. I just won’t have more then I have right now. And The More is always a dodgy area to venture into. When we wish for more, we never know if it’ll make us happy in the end. So being under the weather has been somewhat helpful in this particular situation. It helped with sorting out the useful stuff from the opposite. As if it was a welcomed break in the midst of the craziness of a season.
Just like with the tasks, I find my mind dealing with the connections in almost the same way. Dropping off the ones that I can be without. There is no particular grudge as a reason. Just stopped making an effort and let the time fade them away. I’m perfectly aware that I am the first one guilty in not reaching out. I keep making self-excuses, but of course, deep within I do understand it is me turning away from the others. I’m yet to figure out why I now have that need for isolation, when before I was so very social. Doesn’t mean I stopped caring of the others. Just found a new more appealing motto: live and let others live too. Indifference? Maybe. But then, after being treated with a lot of it in the past, isn’t it only natural, it rubbed onto me. *shrugs*
It is a pity that even those we could’ve love with all our hearts, only want us when they need us. So often I observe it, so many carry such an ability to love within them and yet never find those who’d take it all. Reminds me of that old tale...
***
Once upon a time there was a Love. It was big as a mountain. Hot like a pie.
And there was He.
She said: the Love is yours to have.
But He replied: why is it so huge?! I do not need that much, thank you, I do not know what to do with all of it. And he took just a small piece.
Then there was Another.
And She said: look at this Love! It’s almost intact!
But He replied: Too hot, let chill it down a bit.
She began to cool her Love.
Finally He said: now it’s ok to try. And broke off a piece.
She said: why taking a piece, take the whole of it!
But He said: no, let the others have it too.
Then there was the Third One.
He was nipping off the small pieces from Her simmering down Love and eating them smacking His lips in pleasure. The edges of Her Love have become ragged and ugly.
She told Him: it hurts, take the whole of it please!
He said: but I want it to hurt!
The Forth kept examining her Love without tasting, but its misshaped look hasn’t tempted Him. He was an Aesthete. And every time She asked Him: so what do you think of it?
His reply was: I’m not sure…
And there was the Fifth.
He noticed Her tattered and frozen Love and cried in disbelief: how could you do this to it! You should’ve never give it away by pieces!
She tried to defend herself: I did not give it, they just took it without asking.
He took Her Love into His arms and warmed it and smoothed down the ragged edges…and then returned the Love to Her saying: take it and remember to give it only as a whole and only to the one.
She asked: but what about you?!
He replied: I’ve already got one.
She cried in despair: But what if I won’t find someone like you!?
His reply was: seek and you will find.
And He left.
She was searching hard. But The Sixth and The Seventh asked only for the pieces.
Then there came The Eighth. He said: I want all of it.
She said to him: take it!
But then He said: it is not enough, where is the rest?
She explained that it was reft away from Her.
He suggested to offer Her Love to someone else and left Her, sulking.
She found Someone Else and asked Him if He likes it.
He broke of a snag of it to try and said: I’ve seen much better ones.
The Eighth returned: I’ve changed my mind, I’ll take it all from you!
But She said hanging Her head: there is hardly anything left there…
He asked Her where did it all go, there used to be much more then that?!
I’ve lost it, - She replied…
He said: ok, give me what’s left.
But She said: no…I don’t want to give it anymore.
There was Another One. He took her Love in His hand, examined it carefully and with the words “I don’t know what to do with it” broke it down completely…
And then Some One else came along. He was looking for Her Love but couldn’t find it.
And He asked Her: is there nothing left at all?!
She said with sadness: not anymore.
He offered to give her a New Love.
She shrugged with indifference and declined.
But why???!!!! - He was astounded
She said: what for? I had so much of it, but there was never the One who needed ALL…