I’ve been neglecting again. My dear Dear Diary, I mean. I have no excuses apart from the trivial writer’s block across my mind, which seems like has been sitting there for centuries. I guess, it is not unusual to take a rain check on creative when you’ve got too busy with the mundane. I’m somewhat amused at how easy priorities are switched from options to demands. In some way it makes life more straight forward, though not necessary more enjoyable. I forgot when it was last time when I thought in lines of what do I fancy to do next. This has now been replaced by what do I have to do next. It is all right, I suppose, keeps the ambitions down. And I have no longer the problem with idleness. I have no idle moments. Though this is not entirely true. Perhaps, more honest would be to say I only allow myself a very brief moment of idleness. When I have time for this of course. I found that I do need them, almost like taking a break to catch a breath from physical workout. Taking a break from overloaded mind helps to find one’s ground. Sure this is not the same as it was last Autumn. The craziness of sudden events and bigger then life responsibilities that have fallen over my head did made last season somewhat out-of-your-ordinary stress. I felt like zombie then. I feel nothing like that now. Yet the business doesn’t seem to go away. The stress did. I remember in the past I was pondering a question of what kind of pain is “better” – the sharp but short-lived kind which cuts your oxygen supply within a splitting moment but recedes back almost straight away until the next spasmatic seizure. Or the other kind when a dull but stable ache sits within and spends with you all day, one day after another. Which kind is “kinder”, if there is such thing as merciful pain. I think that if I’d were to choose, I’d prefer a one-off amputation then a longer then life struggle with the constant ouch. Not just for physical sensations. The heartbreaking experiences are also easier to recover from if you have them in a single intake. I do not leave my doors opened and do not wait for possible opportunity. It is me who gets to choose how long I wish to be in pain and if I know that to keep the hope means to keep the ouch, I’ll throw the hope out and lock my door. Just my way of coping, i guess. This is not an entry about my pain though. It was a detour on my way out of the silence's trap. And decluttering my mind from the blocks that just had to go. And I can feel better for my effort already.