MissTick
Thingish Things

The heart is gently wrapped in a soft mass of cotton balls. This is how it feels lately. A gentle deafness to guard from the outside world’s noises. The deafness as in positive protection intention, the noises as in questions and demands. I’m not avoiding the issues, I just shock-absorb their effects.  From here, underneath the heap of softness, life looks gentle and unobtrusive enough giving me chance to take off anxiety and step into the stream of somewhat subconscious indifference. I’m being an observer again. I noticed how from time to time I have this need to step back and let the life to buzz around without making my own noise, just to watch things happening. I suspect, this is that new guarding trick my mind learned in dealing with daily living. Crossing the road this morning I looked up the street light and noticed that the red heart has gone. It appears it was only for a day, Valentine’s Day, the red street light took the shape of a heart and now it is back to the round again. Oh well, at least I’ve noticed the change.  I mused a little about how such idea could appear in somebody’s mind in the first place. Somehow establishments related to the traffic management do not create a romantic impression to me. But hey, there you go, they do have heart too, on rare occasions. I met with ex-colleague for lunch today. We talk catching up with the life’s changes for both of us since the last time we’ve seen each other. He said to me at the end: you seem settled. In what sense, I asked, and he couldn’t explain – just “settled”.  A general impression of me. And I knew what he meant.  My mind is settled with my life. Found peace among daily routines. Doesn’t mean I’m never anxious anymore. Just that I deal with my worries as they come and no longer think of them after they’ve gone. I have no interest in thinking over something that is no longer here. No need in analysing past events, thoughts, dreams and such. What has gone is gone.  I read somewhere once a thought that got stuck in my mind forever. By holding on to people, things and memories we are giving to them a power over us.  The same as when you fight something, you're tied to it forever. MMT. Made me think. Friends come and friends go. And who knows what drives these waves of closeness and distance. I have few friends whom I will always miss and I have those whom, although I’m eternally grateful to, it doesn’t bother me that they are no longer available for me. I also have no need to find more friends than I do have already. The solitude has become my desirable pastime. Something I am enjoying more than the opposite of it. I do not hide from social interactions though. Just am not particular inclined to initiate them. Things are what they are and people are who they are. And sometimes you believe a thing that isn't true because in the world you wish to live in, it would be true. And as it always happens, eventually you open your eyes to reality and you see your dreams being fading illusions and you move on. But there is one thing I came to understand: all the while it is correct that the dreams don’t come true necessarily; there is no need to stop having them. As long as you understand their limitations, you should be fine having a dream or few. In the end of a day dreams are like books we might never read or movies we might never see. We might not miss anything by not having them, yet if we do have them, we enrich our life with a pleasant moment or two. So yes, let's have some pleasure. And then. Let's move on.