There are moments when I have this acute sense of fear. The stomach sinking feel. Usually I feel this when I’m about to do something I am not confident about. A WhatIf Fear. Interestingly enough, thinking about this made me realise that it is not “what if something goes wrong” fear as such, but more of “what if I won’t be able to cope with whatever goes wrong”. Self-confidence closing on a zero. Yet the mind knows all will be well in the end. Somehow it will sort itself out. I don’t know how, but I know it will. But uncomfortable almost physical sensation squeezes my heart at times and it feels as if I’m losing it.
This one is by far The Biggest project ever I am embarking on. And most likely will be The Only one of such scale I will ever do. The circumstances pressed me against the cold fact of accommodating my house to my mother’s condition. It all would’ve been so different should she not be disabled. But I will not ponder this thought, as it doesn’t change a thing. So far it was all just talks and long long waits. On ideas to come and lighten up my vision, on the builders to come up with the quotations I can look at without hgetting a heart attack, on the architect to find his sweet time to look at my plans, on every other thing overlooked or not thought of. So far it has been semi-comfortable to have a vague idea that it will happen eventually...some time...some where in future...nearest or distant. So far I was sort of semi-relaxed about it all. Until the moment the ball suddenly started rolling and it seems accelerating every second. Only yesterday I didn’t know a thing of the dates, terms, conditions. And tomorrow the electrician comes to work the first stage of the project. And next week my roof will feature solar panel and my ancient hot water tank will be replaced with the brand new modern technologically efficient one. And all I could say to this yesterday was “wow, cool!” and when the contractors left, it sank into me suddenly that I’m being pushed out and given a kick to start moving. All is not a big deal as such. But all the interruptions into daily routine complicated by the need to accommodate my mother in the most convenient for her way. All the aftermath’s clearance and possible repairs or redecorating. All of it has certainly an effect on my confidence in successful finish of the project. And the same time these are not what my greatest fear is about. The security. This is what it is. That sense of being safe enough to face some small or even average challenges. This particular project has no small or average ones in it. All parts of it are big. Obviously, big in comparison to my own world of safety. It will suck out all of the savings I ever managed to gather and there is a plan to suck some more above that. The direct affect on mortgage as a result of unbalanced books is one of the immediate strings that will be pulled tightly paralyzing the most of my current affairs. The month-to-month expenses will have the final say in every decision up to the weekly shopping level. Having been spoilt previously by the freedom of having only self to take care of, the responsibility for someone who is incapable to take care of themselves makes me feel rather vulnerable now. This is the first time I have this sharp need to share the load with someone. Not because I cannot cope on my own, but entirely for this sense of safety net. The knowledge that I have somewhere to land softer if I fall. Why it means so much to me, I do not know. Maybe because I never appreciated it when I had it. So many things I didn’t appreciate back then. Yet when I question my mind why didn’t we do anything when there were two of us, when it was all twice as easier as it is now, my mind asks back in anger why didn’t you indeed...and I do not know the answer. Ex never wanted to do anything that looked like unreasonable waste of money to him and I would always go along with it. I ask let’s do it, he says no and I just say ok. And now I am facing all my silent okays of the past. There were not the things I wanted. They were the ones that were needed. And now they came back to press me hard with their demands.
So this is to make a note of the state of my mind as I stand on the edge of the new beginning. Yet another one. So many changes, so many beginnings, I could do with the fewer already, honestly. But I know that in some time in future I will come here and I will say I did it and I did it well. Because, let’s face it – we are never presented with the challenges we are not capable to overcome.
In the daily Motivational message I received in my mailbox today I read: Progress is made by those who do what they are afraid to do. Progress is made by those who do what they did not previously know they could do. You cannot push the world forward by staying safe and comfortable. Strange how your thoughts can be answered by some accidental random mail subscription.