It was definitely not my lucky time this time. It was meant to be an ordinary flu. This time the illness got the best of me. She didn’t want to leave and when she finally did, she left behind her complications. To top it up, attempt to cure them with anti bio ticks made the matter even worse, and the cure became the disease. So while I’m back on my feet, literally, as it did hurt to walk, I’m now featuring the 101 spots in Dalmatian’s fashion - the unfortunate reaction of my body protesting against the treatment. I never knew I had an allergy to any medical substance until I have discovered that I do. I’m somewhat surprised at how badly this knocked me off my usual strong self. Even a friend mentioned to me today “you always seemed invincible, but this time it is so not you!”. Yes, I was being pathetic and was sorry for myself and was unreasonably whiny and I was also secretly grateful that there is no one to take care of me, as I didn’t want anyone to see me in this state. Everyone has their own issues.
I have not been myself lately. Well, I did not feel being myself, maybe I was all along, yet it was uncomfortably hard to stay true to it. I didn’t feel sympathetic, I didn’t feel like I care much, I wasn’t cheerful and supportive and I wasn’t patient. All the things I was aren’t there anymore. I wouldn’t want to think this is a permanent change, I hope it’s just “one of these times” and I hope this is just me being tired of all the latest circumstances and events…and non-events. It feels like ever since last autumn I just cannot find the peace in my life and with this – the peace with myself. The attitude of life being a struggle is a bad one, for sure and I really have to find a way to get out of it into a healthier perception. I remember the time when it was enough to colour the day beautiful just by smiling and saying hello in the morning, just by listening to the favourite tune on my way to work, just by making my choices with ease because they were indeed just my choices, not anyone else. Where did it all go? I’m being sentimental. There is a need to shake off all this funk and start living.