I had a very very very hard time getting up today, Thursday, it was harder to get up this morning then yesterday, and I didn't even get to talk to my friend all night this time! So I got rudely woken up for not only my doctors appointment for the deoprovarol shot, (depo) but also even earlier and more rude because Teri told mom at the last second that she needed a ride to work. Mom tells me that I have two minutes to get up and start getting ready. I get up, and since I sleep on the couch in the living room, for privacy I went upstairs to my mom's room, the only place downstairs to change behind a closed door would be the bathroom, and I knew mom just got out, and in the morning, see there is an ashtray in there, mom takes her long sweet time in there and also smokes, and won't let me spray glade or anything in there because she claims it chokes her. She would like the nasty smells. Sorry, I'm still very ticked off at her.
So she yells at me for going upstairs to finally change and stuff, and we get to the car, I had called shotgun for the front seat which is how Teri and I do it, not knowing that we were dropping Teri off at the one end of town, when she had to be there at 11, before me at the other end of town, because I had to be there at 10:30, doctor appointments get cancelled of you're late, so Teri got early, I was 10 minutes late. To make it worse, mom said she had to go buy gas and ciggs and stuff first. So Teri mom and I are pissed against each other, mom and Teri against me and vice versa, and I realized why, see, mom was ticked at Teri first for telling her at the last minute about needing a ride, and I'm not just being a jealous teen sibling here when I say, Teri sucked up to mom, so mom treated her nice and me like shit. See, mom is greedy and she oh, god, I can't even explain her. I'm being honest here, that's pretty bad when you're not even trying to make yourself look good and your mom or someone else look bad, see, I'm going to say the things I shouldn't have done and said in here, too. This is the facts. I was accused of being a liar, and boy was I happy when I got the news I was waiting for as soon as I got home.
I get in the front and turn country on. We're allowed to listen to what we want to when we're in front, provided (I just let the phone ring three times before I picked it up, I was getting so into my entry, the phone was annoying. I think it's a bill collector for mom, too bad she's "out" as usual.) provided that mom isn't in the mood to listen to hers. She listens to oldies, I listen to country, Teri listens to gospel and r&b. So I turn it on, not knowing that I'm about to get to where I cry, and practically commit a (cardinal?) sin that I had no idea about in the first place. She said since you're in front, I decided to compromise and let Teri listen to her music. This was decided before I got in the car, because Teri made coffee and also because they knew when I didn't that we were dropping Teri off first. Which was ridiculus and made absolutely no sense, esp. to me when I was so tired and grouchy in the first place. They are a team, can't say anything else about that. Oh, shoot, I'm crying now, I hate feeling so lonely. :( I think if maybe if something went differently, where I didn't always feel like I was left out and stuff, and hated, then maybe I would be different, not be so emotional and attention greedy :( I would not need and want so much :(
Anyway, (wipe these stupid worthless tears) Mom told me that, I was honestly confused and reminded her very very politely that I was in front and so why was Teri's miusic on? And I turned mine on. It finally hit me that they were being unfair, I whined like a baby, turned it back on when mom had changed it again, covered it up so mom couldn't touch it, I screamed, and ann, my mother, I am feeling so full of hate still even now while I write this, it wasn't resolved for me. She said, well, hollered, get the FUCK out of my car you are missing your doctors appointment. (You might be thinking who wouldn't say that after how I acted? But you just don't understand how I feel or what I feel I have to put up with or go through too many times) I looked at her, couldn't believe as usual how ugly she can get in a seconds time, took my seat belt I don't know why I bother to wear off, opened the door, got out, in the middle of our street mind you, and slammed the door, didn't walk home, started walking to the school I live near, or running, rather, because while Teri and Ann drove to the end of the street, Teri got out, got in front and they drove off without me I felt more alone then anything. I finally decided that I didn't want the neighbor walking his dog to keep staring at me, although I never give a damn who seems me cry because it's not like they'll stop or if they do, be able to help, went home, called Dad, tried to anyway to still make my appointment, called the office first to tell them my dad is taking me instead and we'll be 10-15 minutes late, and called Gracie, my case manager to whine about it and she told me to call her after the appointment I still wasn't sure anyone would take me to, and Teri came back in the house then, heard some parts of it, I was still cryng, she heard me tell Gracie that mom said to get the f out of her car, et cetera. That's the only part she heard. She ran back to the car and told ann that I had called DHS, and this is how I know that's why the bitch even bothered to come back for me. Who wouldn't when they already think that they are going to jail anytime because dhs is involved? She came back, acting like she only left to go to the gas staion which set us back further. I really wish for my sake I got up earlier because thanks to all that she made me late. Not Teri, not precious Teri. Maybe I am a little on the jealous side, but I have reason, ann really does treat Teri a Hell of a lot better then me. I'm at fault 99% of the time, I don't try to pamper ann in any way, I yell at her, have cussed her out, I do all that with no regret except it makes me look as ugly as she can, and I ony can't help myself because I get so angry with her. My counselors understand more now, ann won't change and I'm suffering from years of it. :( I am so tired of caring so much about one person that hates me, or makes me feel that way, I want to go to where I don't stoop to her level anymore, but I don't let her bother me.
I go, they start paper work, I have a good looking guy dovctor having to give me a pap, I had one since 13 because my dad accused ann of letting us do whatever we wanted, which she really did, while out gambling every night, and so he accused of of maybe being pregnant then, at that time I haven't had sex yet, and Teri has, now at the present it's vice versa. so ann lied to us and told us that we had to have it then, because we were starting our periods and stuff, and needed to have cancer detection early, which is true, but here they only start kids early on that embarrasing uncomforatble test when they are sexually active already. Ann made us start doing that for her own reasons, and for that, she's a bitch too. She had to prove that we were normal or something I guess. They were checking to see if we've had sex already. It'd sneaky, selfish and now I could've had gone wihtout it for a few years, but no, selfish bitch took over. I'm so sorry for how disrespectful I'm seeming, I have to let it put though! I'm hurting so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And have been for too long!!!!!!!!! I'm not lying in this diary, either, and if it wasn't for the end of the miserable morning, then I'd probably make this private, but an important thing comes up,... keep reading,......
The guy doctor also gives me a breast exam. I swear, if he wasn't wearing a ring I'd feel really violated, sexually active myself or not. I am still a private person, and mistrustful with a lot of people. Esp. adult guys, that was found out in a hospital once after the second time I tried to kill myself, I was hurt in a pool. I trust two men, or three, if you count David, at 19. That's Steve, and my Dad. Steve is/was my therapist. I feel uncomfortable around the other doctors or counselors I have been around, a nurse had to sit in the room with me when at the hospital when a male doctor came in my room to talk to me and I freaked out. That's when I told about the pool incident and wrote a paper they added to my chart, it was two years ago from then and ann had no idea because she didn't care that night when I tried to talk to her without the guy, still in the pool suspecting it, and what do you know? I tried to drown myself in the bath that night. With my swimming suit on, not naked. I didn't want to be naked, not in water again that night, although I did have my suit on in the pool, I felt naked. He felt my naked flesh too.
My sister just called, they are on their way, but this is super important for me, and I have to get it out, won't be able to soon, so I'll really try to finish tonight, this is the hardest entry I think I ever wrote, but I have to write it. I'm exhausted from writing some of what I am, it hurts so much but feels good to get out this way,.. I'm going to write some more while waiting, I asked her to give me a few minutes.
They told us that we had to come back as soon as I start my period, and I couldn't believe that, they could've let me know before hand, maybe I wouldn't have had to go through what I did.
So we go home in silence. I get home, call Gracie back. Guess what??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She told me perfect timing, I was just about to try to call you. You're moving at three thirty! Ok, updating later on, ann is home, I wasn't so nice to her cheerful hello, I can't act like nothing has hasppened although I was nicer earlier, I just remembered how hurt I am from the other day! This is being written on Saturday, after work,.. ok, updating soon, take care I'll feel better after I get the last few days updated, haven't been able to lately I moved :) That's MY perfect timing. Moved into foster care, finally. Right on time with ann hurting me more then ever.
Ok, it's later, I went out with my older sister and my Grandma for chinese
food and it was very good, my stomach is cramped up really bad but I didn't have time to throw up. My dad'll be here soon, I'm staying the night, and surprise! Catklin, the 2 year old I babysit is going with me, I love her so much. I'm staying the night at Dad's, Catlin will be picked up late, Dad will wake me up early for work, again, yuck. Then I have to go bowling, then well, I'll explain stuff in later entires, if I get the baby off to sleep and have time to I'll uhoh, gottaget going,.pdating later again
So she yells at me for going upstairs to finally change and stuff, and we get to the car, I had called shotgun for the front seat which is how Teri and I do it, not knowing that we were dropping Teri off at the one end of town, when she had to be there at 11, before me at the other end of town, because I had to be there at 10:30, doctor appointments get cancelled of you're late, so Teri got early, I was 10 minutes late. To make it worse, mom said she had to go buy gas and ciggs and stuff first. So Teri mom and I are pissed against each other, mom and Teri against me and vice versa, and I realized why, see, mom was ticked at Teri first for telling her at the last minute about needing a ride, and I'm not just being a jealous teen sibling here when I say, Teri sucked up to mom, so mom treated her nice and me like shit. See, mom is greedy and she oh, god, I can't even explain her. I'm being honest here, that's pretty bad when you're not even trying to make yourself look good and your mom or someone else look bad, see, I'm going to say the things I shouldn't have done and said in here, too. This is the facts. I was accused of being a liar, and boy was I happy when I got the news I was waiting for as soon as I got home.
I get in the front and turn country on. We're allowed to listen to what we want to when we're in front, provided (I just let the phone ring three times before I picked it up, I was getting so into my entry, the phone was annoying. I think it's a bill collector for mom, too bad she's "out" as usual.) provided that mom isn't in the mood to listen to hers. She listens to oldies, I listen to country, Teri listens to gospel and r&b. So I turn it on, not knowing that I'm about to get to where I cry, and practically commit a (cardinal?) sin that I had no idea about in the first place. She said since you're in front, I decided to compromise and let Teri listen to her music. This was decided before I got in the car, because Teri made coffee and also because they knew when I didn't that we were dropping Teri off first. Which was ridiculus and made absolutely no sense, esp. to me when I was so tired and grouchy in the first place. They are a team, can't say anything else about that. Oh, shoot, I'm crying now, I hate feeling so lonely. :( I think if maybe if something went differently, where I didn't always feel like I was left out and stuff, and hated, then maybe I would be different, not be so emotional and attention greedy :( I would not need and want so much :(
Anyway, (wipe these stupid worthless tears) Mom told me that, I was honestly confused and reminded her very very politely that I was in front and so why was Teri's miusic on? And I turned mine on. It finally hit me that they were being unfair, I whined like a baby, turned it back on when mom had changed it again, covered it up so mom couldn't touch it, I screamed, and ann, my mother, I am feeling so full of hate still even now while I write this, it wasn't resolved for me. She said, well, hollered, get the FUCK out of my car you are missing your doctors appointment. (You might be thinking who wouldn't say that after how I acted? But you just don't understand how I feel or what I feel I have to put up with or go through too many times) I looked at her, couldn't believe as usual how ugly she can get in a seconds time, took my seat belt I don't know why I bother to wear off, opened the door, got out, in the middle of our street mind you, and slammed the door, didn't walk home, started walking to the school I live near, or running, rather, because while Teri and Ann drove to the end of the street, Teri got out, got in front and they drove off without me I felt more alone then anything. I finally decided that I didn't want the neighbor walking his dog to keep staring at me, although I never give a damn who seems me cry because it's not like they'll stop or if they do, be able to help, went home, called Dad, tried to anyway to still make my appointment, called the office first to tell them my dad is taking me instead and we'll be 10-15 minutes late, and called Gracie, my case manager to whine about it and she told me to call her after the appointment I still wasn't sure anyone would take me to, and Teri came back in the house then, heard some parts of it, I was still cryng, she heard me tell Gracie that mom said to get the f out of her car, et cetera. That's the only part she heard. She ran back to the car and told ann that I had called DHS, and this is how I know that's why the bitch even bothered to come back for me. Who wouldn't when they already think that they are going to jail anytime because dhs is involved? She came back, acting like she only left to go to the gas staion which set us back further. I really wish for my sake I got up earlier because thanks to all that she made me late. Not Teri, not precious Teri. Maybe I am a little on the jealous side, but I have reason, ann really does treat Teri a Hell of a lot better then me. I'm at fault 99% of the time, I don't try to pamper ann in any way, I yell at her, have cussed her out, I do all that with no regret except it makes me look as ugly as she can, and I ony can't help myself because I get so angry with her. My counselors understand more now, ann won't change and I'm suffering from years of it. :( I am so tired of caring so much about one person that hates me, or makes me feel that way, I want to go to where I don't stoop to her level anymore, but I don't let her bother me.
I go, they start paper work, I have a good looking guy dovctor having to give me a pap, I had one since 13 because my dad accused ann of letting us do whatever we wanted, which she really did, while out gambling every night, and so he accused of of maybe being pregnant then, at that time I haven't had sex yet, and Teri has, now at the present it's vice versa. so ann lied to us and told us that we had to have it then, because we were starting our periods and stuff, and needed to have cancer detection early, which is true, but here they only start kids early on that embarrasing uncomforatble test when they are sexually active already. Ann made us start doing that for her own reasons, and for that, she's a bitch too. She had to prove that we were normal or something I guess. They were checking to see if we've had sex already. It'd sneaky, selfish and now I could've had gone wihtout it for a few years, but no, selfish bitch took over. I'm so sorry for how disrespectful I'm seeming, I have to let it put though! I'm hurting so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And have been for too long!!!!!!!!! I'm not lying in this diary, either, and if it wasn't for the end of the miserable morning, then I'd probably make this private, but an important thing comes up,... keep reading,......
The guy doctor also gives me a breast exam. I swear, if he wasn't wearing a ring I'd feel really violated, sexually active myself or not. I am still a private person, and mistrustful with a lot of people. Esp. adult guys, that was found out in a hospital once after the second time I tried to kill myself, I was hurt in a pool. I trust two men, or three, if you count David, at 19. That's Steve, and my Dad. Steve is/was my therapist. I feel uncomfortable around the other doctors or counselors I have been around, a nurse had to sit in the room with me when at the hospital when a male doctor came in my room to talk to me and I freaked out. That's when I told about the pool incident and wrote a paper they added to my chart, it was two years ago from then and ann had no idea because she didn't care that night when I tried to talk to her without the guy, still in the pool suspecting it, and what do you know? I tried to drown myself in the bath that night. With my swimming suit on, not naked. I didn't want to be naked, not in water again that night, although I did have my suit on in the pool, I felt naked. He felt my naked flesh too.
My sister just called, they are on their way, but this is super important for me, and I have to get it out, won't be able to soon, so I'll really try to finish tonight, this is the hardest entry I think I ever wrote, but I have to write it. I'm exhausted from writing some of what I am, it hurts so much but feels good to get out this way,.. I'm going to write some more while waiting, I asked her to give me a few minutes.
They told us that we had to come back as soon as I start my period, and I couldn't believe that, they could've let me know before hand, maybe I wouldn't have had to go through what I did.
So we go home in silence. I get home, call Gracie back. Guess what??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She told me perfect timing, I was just about to try to call you. You're moving at three thirty! Ok, updating later on, ann is home, I wasn't so nice to her cheerful hello, I can't act like nothing has hasppened although I was nicer earlier, I just remembered how hurt I am from the other day! This is being written on Saturday, after work,.. ok, updating soon, take care I'll feel better after I get the last few days updated, haven't been able to lately I moved :) That's MY perfect timing. Moved into foster care, finally. Right on time with ann hurting me more then ever.
Ok, it's later, I went out with my older sister and my Grandma for chinese
food and it was very good, my stomach is cramped up really bad but I didn't have time to throw up. My dad'll be here soon, I'm staying the night, and surprise! Catklin, the 2 year old I babysit is going with me, I love her so much. I'm staying the night at Dad's, Catlin will be picked up late, Dad will wake me up early for work, again, yuck. Then I have to go bowling, then well, I'll explain stuff in later entires, if I get the baby off to sleep and have time to I'll uhoh, gottaget going,.pdating later again