Ok, Today was pretty interesting,...
I got to sleep around midnight last night and I slept in till 10, it was a nice sleep for a change but the only problem is I was supposed to be at work at 8, but thankfully they didn't care, I missed absolutely nothing important and as bad as I felt, they made me feel like I did nothing wrong.
I was reading an article and it made me feel good, it was about how great peanuts and other nuts are actually for you. I use to have this deep fear about peanuts, it was on my lists of unsafe foods to eat for my little eating disorder "diets" and ess. peanut butter, but there is only a certain amount of fat grams in the tablespoons of peanut butter and the fat there is actually the good fat that will help you by cleaning your system and protecting your heart and actually, get this - help you lose weight!!!!!
I had a nice yummy payday for lunch and some other nuts, roasted ones I think, to celebrate and I snuck to the bathroom there so that all of the people at work who knows wouldn't think I went there to throw up, well, this can get pretty annoying I came out, and went to the room and EVERYONE at the table was staring at me, and asking me with their eyes if I did it, I just kind of didn't look at them until a girl litterally pulled me aside and asked me and I said no, because I really didn't that time, and to get my supervisor to quit staring t me I wrote on a piece of paper I did not purge and put it in front of her, what if I did? then they wouldn't know, they would just ask me and I would either tell them the truth or even lie to them and they would believe me either way, because well, what if they actually heard me when following me in the bathroom and what are they going to do? Open the door and force me not to??? I don't know.
I tried explaining why I snuck to the bathroom without asking to my supervisor and I said I really did not purge, she said ok, but you know, you have people here who care about you. I do not do it for attention, but I do appreciate people caring, my mom has no idea and she doesn't know what to do, so she leaves me alone and she doesn't understand the control thing, how I HAVE to do it and I do want people to stop me sometimes, give me a reason to NOT have to do it!!! It's sick to "have" to get rid of that stuff, that poison called food, you're probably wondering, why do you even eat at all if you can't keep it in??? Well, you do get rid of most of the stuff, the food, and so you get really hungry and you eat, and most people who purge they don't do it every single time they eat, and I'm a different case, i do the purging and I do eat, but I do not do what most bulimics do by the definition, i do not sit and eat a lot of high calorie foods and then run and purge, I do eat more then I should every once in a while but I do not binge, I also go into stages where I abuse pills like laatives and I don't eat, I'm more of a bulimic with anorexic tendencies.
Next Monday I will see a new counselor and I hope that she can help me, I really do, but don't tell anyone, it's a secret. As bad as I am and as much as I act like I control it, well, I want out of it, I can't stop myself, so please, help me in any way you can, I don't have the strength, I need someone else's, I need the prayers and God to know how much and all so that they can lift me up and out of this Thanks for the support, *Hugs* Take Care!
I got to sleep around midnight last night and I slept in till 10, it was a nice sleep for a change but the only problem is I was supposed to be at work at 8, but thankfully they didn't care, I missed absolutely nothing important and as bad as I felt, they made me feel like I did nothing wrong.
I was reading an article and it made me feel good, it was about how great peanuts and other nuts are actually for you. I use to have this deep fear about peanuts, it was on my lists of unsafe foods to eat for my little eating disorder "diets" and ess. peanut butter, but there is only a certain amount of fat grams in the tablespoons of peanut butter and the fat there is actually the good fat that will help you by cleaning your system and protecting your heart and actually, get this - help you lose weight!!!!!
I had a nice yummy payday for lunch and some other nuts, roasted ones I think, to celebrate and I snuck to the bathroom there so that all of the people at work who knows wouldn't think I went there to throw up, well, this can get pretty annoying I came out, and went to the room and EVERYONE at the table was staring at me, and asking me with their eyes if I did it, I just kind of didn't look at them until a girl litterally pulled me aside and asked me and I said no, because I really didn't that time, and to get my supervisor to quit staring t me I wrote on a piece of paper I did not purge and put it in front of her, what if I did? then they wouldn't know, they would just ask me and I would either tell them the truth or even lie to them and they would believe me either way, because well, what if they actually heard me when following me in the bathroom and what are they going to do? Open the door and force me not to??? I don't know.
I tried explaining why I snuck to the bathroom without asking to my supervisor and I said I really did not purge, she said ok, but you know, you have people here who care about you. I do not do it for attention, but I do appreciate people caring, my mom has no idea and she doesn't know what to do, so she leaves me alone and she doesn't understand the control thing, how I HAVE to do it and I do want people to stop me sometimes, give me a reason to NOT have to do it!!! It's sick to "have" to get rid of that stuff, that poison called food, you're probably wondering, why do you even eat at all if you can't keep it in??? Well, you do get rid of most of the stuff, the food, and so you get really hungry and you eat, and most people who purge they don't do it every single time they eat, and I'm a different case, i do the purging and I do eat, but I do not do what most bulimics do by the definition, i do not sit and eat a lot of high calorie foods and then run and purge, I do eat more then I should every once in a while but I do not binge, I also go into stages where I abuse pills like laatives and I don't eat, I'm more of a bulimic with anorexic tendencies.
Next Monday I will see a new counselor and I hope that she can help me, I really do, but don't tell anyone, it's a secret. As bad as I am and as much as I act like I control it, well, I want out of it, I can't stop myself, so please, help me in any way you can, I don't have the strength, I need someone else's, I need the prayers and God to know how much and all so that they can lift me up and out of this Thanks for the support, *Hugs* Take Care!