Tuesday 12/15/09
feel lousy, numb, having chest pains strong urge to keep eating and purging all day. Monday i felt great and hopeful about recovery, now I'm wondering if my chest pain is caused from starting over again with purging after taking a break from doing it over and over. I don't know if I should worry or care and I can't stop feeling like I have to purge. I don't think I can stop this but I'll try, ever since yesterday I really want to recover!
Wanting to binge, staying out of the kitchen. Needing a distraction. TV. 1 show half way in I have to purge. I feel good and confused. I want to recover but cannot right now.
Too busy to eat. I feel horrible because I know I have to eat anyway. It's just not important enough for me to take time out for it. Why am I swinging back and forth this badly?
I accidently admitted to S and T that i didn't eat dinner. They were ordering their food and I told them "I was good and didn't need anything, thanks" They said they assumed I ate earlier at home with the girls.
Last week at church Jenna offered me a snack along with the kids in childrens church. I accepted only because I am worried that she is starting to catch on and I don't know her well enough yet to talk about it. My first date after Jason left was with her friend (which wasn't an actual date) and I purged dinner. One of the last times I was helping jenna with the kids she offered me some cookies and I refused and she said well, I am going to have one , I'm hungry and I felt abnormal and like she was upset with me, she looked at me and I thought it was one of those looks, and she was pregnant, too. I hope I didn't make her catch on, or feel uncomfortable.
feel lousy, numb, having chest pains strong urge to keep eating and purging all day. Monday i felt great and hopeful about recovery, now I'm wondering if my chest pain is caused from starting over again with purging after taking a break from doing it over and over. I don't know if I should worry or care and I can't stop feeling like I have to purge. I don't think I can stop this but I'll try, ever since yesterday I really want to recover!
Wanting to binge, staying out of the kitchen. Needing a distraction. TV. 1 show half way in I have to purge. I feel good and confused. I want to recover but cannot right now.
Too busy to eat. I feel horrible because I know I have to eat anyway. It's just not important enough for me to take time out for it. Why am I swinging back and forth this badly?
I accidently admitted to S and T that i didn't eat dinner. They were ordering their food and I told them "I was good and didn't need anything, thanks" They said they assumed I ate earlier at home with the girls.
Last week at church Jenna offered me a snack along with the kids in childrens church. I accepted only because I am worried that she is starting to catch on and I don't know her well enough yet to talk about it. My first date after Jason left was with her friend (which wasn't an actual date) and I purged dinner. One of the last times I was helping jenna with the kids she offered me some cookies and I refused and she said well, I am going to have one , I'm hungry and I felt abnormal and like she was upset with me, she looked at me and I thought it was one of those looks, and she was pregnant, too. I hope I didn't make her catch on, or feel uncomfortable.