Oh, man,
I don't know where that high came from before, that feeling ok, in other words opposite of how I feel most of the time I mean, where did that come from, anyway? Why can't I have it back???
I have plans for my future, great plans that is going to take a whole lot of effort to have. This is so hard to explain, so I don't know how anyone could understand. I am scared. I feel like I am going to dissapear and if that is going to happen I would like to do it myself
My plans for my life, which really means my fuure are: training for my career, saving money for important things, since I've started the new job I have payed two people back, (I HATE borrowing money for people, I mean, I used to have more pride then that!) and now the coming paychecks are going for Christmas presents and maybe for this trip I would love to take, with the youth group, the coolest people around here, well, there are some other cool people, but I would do whatever I can to get to it, but then again, if I had a choice, Christmas presents will be first to get for the people I'm lucky to know even.
Anyway, my plans are to basically grow up, get a nice car with good insurance, go to College, move out into an apartment that allows cats, join the fire department, you know what? I have no plans for future boyfriends, a husband, although I've always dreamed of having a nice church wedding, with a hot air balloon ride after the reception, but I'm planning on living by myself, working a lot, not eating, basically losing even more weight and dying from it, and letting it win.
My plans right now are to somehow pass these next few years with taking ok classes, then graduating. Also my plans are to get happy, or normal.
Tonight I cried again. In pain, in desperate pain. Noone knows what's wrong, and mom, well, here it is. I came home from visiting dads, and decided to manically start decorating this house for Christmas, because I have to have certain things, no matter how impossible it seems done right now, or in this order, et cetera. They just have to happen or I'm crushed. So I sweat pulling these huge boxes out of our storage room, cutting my thumb on something that was sharp, running these window frames upstairs, looking in every bag for the lights that I string around them, cleaning my messes up really really fast since mom will actually be home at any minute, worrying that she will yell at us all night, and then finding her with food and in a good mood, well, we all sat around the table eating (wendys, can you believe it?) and I drop the sandwich I got. I mean, I took one bite and it fell on the florr. Well, mom offered me this sandwich, I took a bite, then she said I could only have half, I spit that bite out and said never mind, thank you, went uptairs in a daze, bent over the toilet, puked, had bad heartburnm, walked back downstairs in a haze, into my favorite room, and curled up on this chair and started making these weird sounds, I hurt because my stomach was hurting and my throat hurt, I mean, I am used to it, but still, it hurts yet it's worth it. I have to purge.
So I'm making weird noises that says I'm aout to cry yet I don't have time to hide it, and so mom yells what's wrong, Mary? I say nothing, how can I tell her I was so sad about that stupid sandwich I still didn't bother to pick up and throw away by then since it was too emotional for me? How could I say, I hate this, I hate my weight, I love but hate food period, I hate myself, I hate this life that isn't worming out? so she left me alone till later when Teri and Cilla finally went their seperate ways and we were alone in the living room by the tv.I started crying again, explaining that I just can't quit crying these days. She says why? I don't know (sniff, sniff, whine) well, if you talk about what's bothering you, maybe it'll help, I don't know what is bothering me. Of course I do a little, though, I just couldn't explain it. It was like this one day about two months ago. Mom hurt me by words and Angie was there, one of the counselors, I kept trying to leave and mom made me stay right where I was, told me to sit and I stood and almost got forced to sit, and finally I did walk out, because I was standing there, listening to her say something about the day after the next, and I was thinking, well, hopefully I'll have killed myself by then. But that's when the crying came, it's so lonely here. I mean, at that moment I was getting myself ready to leave, and it's painful emotionally. Very painful. You're thinking, I was thinking, mom is all upset over this stuff right now. But she won't have to worry about it soon, she let me go to youth group that night, and she doesn't know what that could have meant to me. See, I was going to silently say goodbye to the people that were so great there that night, then do the same the next day, because I was going to school and Angie and Steve were going to be there to have a meeting with me. So it was perfect, except for people not at home, school, or church. But I was going to write my note. And so I ran into the bathroom to cry, Angie was so kind to me, she tapped my hand gently and she spoke compassionatly, just what she seemed to know I needed to help calm me down a little. It worked. I'm still here, ut now I need something more. I have this lfe that is so empty. And theres nothing I can do about it!
My best friend, Sue doesn't call me or see me, when I make every effort to see her, like once mom wasn't home, I was babysitting. I took the angel for a walk inher stroller her mom brought, and we walked over to Sue's, and it was very very nice. That was when I had this plan about running away. I can't have Sue anymre, and she's already disposed of my friendship, it never menat much to her. I know this, yet it's hard to accept because she's like the only one who's ever spent the night with me or gone to the mall with me.
And then there is the guy that "took my body" if he was only willing to wait and patient, it would have been nice. But that happened the hard way and now I really don't want to go through with it again to even have kids when I'm older.
I also miss the guy I lost my purity to, we were careful, he didn't break my hymon or anything, but the bad thing is I can't believe I miss him because he was a jerk to me and he had this power over me, when he got tired of me, well, he had a different gf then, well, I couldn't tell him that I wanted out before that, so one day when it was convient since he already had a replacement well, he said, you really don't want to go out anymore, right? Just want to be friends? I nodded. God I hated that. Power I should have known better, I have lived with it all of life. It's worse then a ontrol issue. It's like you bow down to their every want or need, sacraficing yourself because you don't realize it, you're just afraid of what would happen if you didn't.
Maybe I don't really miss him, maybe I'm just so lonely that I feel like I miss the past people.
Oh, man, I'm listening to a country music video and it's the song that goes, she thinks my tractors sexy, changed to my cellmate thinks I'm sexy, weird. He just won't leave me alone, he's blowing kisses at me,... Oh boy!
I am so exhausted but I don't care what happens tomorrow. I don't care if I'm late or if I make the bus and sleep the whole way to school and throughout the whole day or anything. See, when you're so upset and depressed you just plain don't care. Not that my teachers would understand, but not like I'd tell them anyway.
The saturday after Thanksgiving I ended up running out of work really upset, crying. But in the morning I was relaxed and I even threw out these bottles of pills in the garbage can when noone was around, the pills were my diet pills and laxatives. I never told anyone that, but it doesn't matter anymore I can't even care.
I better go and do somethoing with myself now, I am so tired. I need help, I think I'll do something Tuesday, like at group, say that for my low of these last weeks have been being really depressed and I won't mention even the thought of killing myself, since I have absolutely no plans to do that right now anyway, I may change my mind, but I'll say something and maybe they can help in some way. After all, that's what therapy is for, you have to have it, you have the choice wehter to use it or not. I want to use it.
I don't know where that high came from before, that feeling ok, in other words opposite of how I feel most of the time I mean, where did that come from, anyway? Why can't I have it back???
I have plans for my future, great plans that is going to take a whole lot of effort to have. This is so hard to explain, so I don't know how anyone could understand. I am scared. I feel like I am going to dissapear and if that is going to happen I would like to do it myself
My plans for my life, which really means my fuure are: training for my career, saving money for important things, since I've started the new job I have payed two people back, (I HATE borrowing money for people, I mean, I used to have more pride then that!) and now the coming paychecks are going for Christmas presents and maybe for this trip I would love to take, with the youth group, the coolest people around here, well, there are some other cool people, but I would do whatever I can to get to it, but then again, if I had a choice, Christmas presents will be first to get for the people I'm lucky to know even.
Anyway, my plans are to basically grow up, get a nice car with good insurance, go to College, move out into an apartment that allows cats, join the fire department, you know what? I have no plans for future boyfriends, a husband, although I've always dreamed of having a nice church wedding, with a hot air balloon ride after the reception, but I'm planning on living by myself, working a lot, not eating, basically losing even more weight and dying from it, and letting it win.
My plans right now are to somehow pass these next few years with taking ok classes, then graduating. Also my plans are to get happy, or normal.
Tonight I cried again. In pain, in desperate pain. Noone knows what's wrong, and mom, well, here it is. I came home from visiting dads, and decided to manically start decorating this house for Christmas, because I have to have certain things, no matter how impossible it seems done right now, or in this order, et cetera. They just have to happen or I'm crushed. So I sweat pulling these huge boxes out of our storage room, cutting my thumb on something that was sharp, running these window frames upstairs, looking in every bag for the lights that I string around them, cleaning my messes up really really fast since mom will actually be home at any minute, worrying that she will yell at us all night, and then finding her with food and in a good mood, well, we all sat around the table eating (wendys, can you believe it?) and I drop the sandwich I got. I mean, I took one bite and it fell on the florr. Well, mom offered me this sandwich, I took a bite, then she said I could only have half, I spit that bite out and said never mind, thank you, went uptairs in a daze, bent over the toilet, puked, had bad heartburnm, walked back downstairs in a haze, into my favorite room, and curled up on this chair and started making these weird sounds, I hurt because my stomach was hurting and my throat hurt, I mean, I am used to it, but still, it hurts yet it's worth it. I have to purge.
So I'm making weird noises that says I'm aout to cry yet I don't have time to hide it, and so mom yells what's wrong, Mary? I say nothing, how can I tell her I was so sad about that stupid sandwich I still didn't bother to pick up and throw away by then since it was too emotional for me? How could I say, I hate this, I hate my weight, I love but hate food period, I hate myself, I hate this life that isn't worming out? so she left me alone till later when Teri and Cilla finally went their seperate ways and we were alone in the living room by the tv.I started crying again, explaining that I just can't quit crying these days. She says why? I don't know (sniff, sniff, whine) well, if you talk about what's bothering you, maybe it'll help, I don't know what is bothering me. Of course I do a little, though, I just couldn't explain it. It was like this one day about two months ago. Mom hurt me by words and Angie was there, one of the counselors, I kept trying to leave and mom made me stay right where I was, told me to sit and I stood and almost got forced to sit, and finally I did walk out, because I was standing there, listening to her say something about the day after the next, and I was thinking, well, hopefully I'll have killed myself by then. But that's when the crying came, it's so lonely here. I mean, at that moment I was getting myself ready to leave, and it's painful emotionally. Very painful. You're thinking, I was thinking, mom is all upset over this stuff right now. But she won't have to worry about it soon, she let me go to youth group that night, and she doesn't know what that could have meant to me. See, I was going to silently say goodbye to the people that were so great there that night, then do the same the next day, because I was going to school and Angie and Steve were going to be there to have a meeting with me. So it was perfect, except for people not at home, school, or church. But I was going to write my note. And so I ran into the bathroom to cry, Angie was so kind to me, she tapped my hand gently and she spoke compassionatly, just what she seemed to know I needed to help calm me down a little. It worked. I'm still here, ut now I need something more. I have this lfe that is so empty. And theres nothing I can do about it!
My best friend, Sue doesn't call me or see me, when I make every effort to see her, like once mom wasn't home, I was babysitting. I took the angel for a walk inher stroller her mom brought, and we walked over to Sue's, and it was very very nice. That was when I had this plan about running away. I can't have Sue anymre, and she's already disposed of my friendship, it never menat much to her. I know this, yet it's hard to accept because she's like the only one who's ever spent the night with me or gone to the mall with me.
And then there is the guy that "took my body" if he was only willing to wait and patient, it would have been nice. But that happened the hard way and now I really don't want to go through with it again to even have kids when I'm older.
I also miss the guy I lost my purity to, we were careful, he didn't break my hymon or anything, but the bad thing is I can't believe I miss him because he was a jerk to me and he had this power over me, when he got tired of me, well, he had a different gf then, well, I couldn't tell him that I wanted out before that, so one day when it was convient since he already had a replacement well, he said, you really don't want to go out anymore, right? Just want to be friends? I nodded. God I hated that. Power I should have known better, I have lived with it all of life. It's worse then a ontrol issue. It's like you bow down to their every want or need, sacraficing yourself because you don't realize it, you're just afraid of what would happen if you didn't.
Maybe I don't really miss him, maybe I'm just so lonely that I feel like I miss the past people.
Oh, man, I'm listening to a country music video and it's the song that goes, she thinks my tractors sexy, changed to my cellmate thinks I'm sexy, weird. He just won't leave me alone, he's blowing kisses at me,... Oh boy!
I am so exhausted but I don't care what happens tomorrow. I don't care if I'm late or if I make the bus and sleep the whole way to school and throughout the whole day or anything. See, when you're so upset and depressed you just plain don't care. Not that my teachers would understand, but not like I'd tell them anyway.
The saturday after Thanksgiving I ended up running out of work really upset, crying. But in the morning I was relaxed and I even threw out these bottles of pills in the garbage can when noone was around, the pills were my diet pills and laxatives. I never told anyone that, but it doesn't matter anymore I can't even care.
I better go and do somethoing with myself now, I am so tired. I need help, I think I'll do something Tuesday, like at group, say that for my low of these last weeks have been being really depressed and I won't mention even the thought of killing myself, since I have absolutely no plans to do that right now anyway, I may change my mind, but I'll say something and maybe they can help in some way. After all, that's what therapy is for, you have to have it, you have the choice wehter to use it or not. I want to use it.