Saturday 10/16/10
Today was supposed to be a game day for me and the girls. I want and need time to slow down because I know that i will miss this. I got busy but because I am in a funk right now my getting busy was very slow and difficult. I woke up panicking, not being able to even remember falling asleep. I did not remember what all i binged on, peanut butter was stuck to my teeth, but I did remember the ramen noodles after I saw the mitt on the counter.
It took so uch energy to get ahold of Penny for Sara and then Beth. I cleaned a lot, got upset after hearing T tell em that E grabbed their "curtain" again, and I felt guilty for the lunch in the car (pbj's) and then eating wendys for dinner. I keep telling myself this is the last time. Tonight I also drank some regular coke and enjoyed a banana sucker from Beth. So, i had brekfast, lunch, dinner and a snack. The night before, on Friday I was able to not take laxes after two nights in a row and I could have taken them again easily but didn't. I smoked, I am hurting, and startring to feel like things are getting out of control. My sponsor anwered when I caqlled her today and I couldn't remember the last time I had smoked before today. I chose to stay awake all night so that we could makoe sure to get to church, Danielle, Sara, T and E. I want to wake up to a fresh start. I want to start living in recovery again and start enjoying it. I miss life. I miss feeling good. I want to be a better mom, christian and person. Please, God, help me get there and not give up!
Today was supposed to be a game day for me and the girls. I want and need time to slow down because I know that i will miss this. I got busy but because I am in a funk right now my getting busy was very slow and difficult. I woke up panicking, not being able to even remember falling asleep. I did not remember what all i binged on, peanut butter was stuck to my teeth, but I did remember the ramen noodles after I saw the mitt on the counter.
It took so uch energy to get ahold of Penny for Sara and then Beth. I cleaned a lot, got upset after hearing T tell em that E grabbed their "curtain" again, and I felt guilty for the lunch in the car (pbj's) and then eating wendys for dinner. I keep telling myself this is the last time. Tonight I also drank some regular coke and enjoyed a banana sucker from Beth. So, i had brekfast, lunch, dinner and a snack. The night before, on Friday I was able to not take laxes after two nights in a row and I could have taken them again easily but didn't. I smoked, I am hurting, and startring to feel like things are getting out of control. My sponsor anwered when I caqlled her today and I couldn't remember the last time I had smoked before today. I chose to stay awake all night so that we could makoe sure to get to church, Danielle, Sara, T and E. I want to wake up to a fresh start. I want to start living in recovery again and start enjoying it. I miss life. I miss feeling good. I want to be a better mom, christian and person. Please, God, help me get there and not give up!