The day started off peacfully. My cat Lucky helped wake me up at the right time trying to force me to pet/massage him, and I got to therapy which was rescheduled from yesterday due to not having a babysitter. The girls are at their Dad's and with the weather and the power outage and issues we had earlier I am glad, though I miss them.
Therapy was helpful, I signed some more paperwork and we got to talk about most of the things going on lately, at least the more important things. She gave me two suggestions, to try and let the girls stay at J's once or twice a week, a night or two, to go home after I drop them off instead of staying there like I tend to do more out of habit then anything, I think. I mean, I love them, and I LOVE playing a game of uno with muliple family members and all that, but I personally don't feel real good about being there myself, and I need to let J and the girls be alone, whether his parents are there or not.
I think she really understood me when I told her about my eating disorder lately. I told her about how I didn't throw away binge foods right away when I was starting this one week plan with eliminating binge eating at night, but I kept it out and in a corner on my counter and I did tend to eat from it more during the days instead. I also told her about my last purge, and I really felt asahmed and I think she heard that and could tell that my heart is more into recovering though I messed up.
I admitted to having not eaten yet today by that time, and according to my rigid schedule I should have eaten breakfast at 8 and lunch at 12 and this was closer to 2, but she, patiently as usual, reminded me that I can still eat lunch and still eat dinner tonight, and not to worry about what I haven't done but try to keep going. It sounds so easy and simple, but I think I really need to hear her tell me, but mostly I need to instill that advice within myself because I do have trouble with moving forward from "lapses". She also kind of laughed and shook her head when I told her about how I heard on the radio that eating a slice of white bread was like eating cake, and made me feel better about that, I was starting to worry that eating a plain sandwich on white bread really is like me eating two slices of cake and ham and cheese. That made me panic, but she eased it and I trust her more then my eating disorder.
I have a lot to write about tonight, a lot has been going on and I need to write this and sort through it. I have many issues, and a ton just from today.
I told her about how I am going to try and lobby for this bill coming up here soon, and she said that might be able to help me stay focused on recovering. It's sad that I need so many more incentives, I have lived with this disorder for most of my life now, more then half. I need to learn how to live right, and be healthy!
She was happy with me about how I have been able to give up every part of this collection except for one thing, she didn't criticize me for the one thing! I told her at the last minute about how I never dated this guy (or broke up with him), she said I probably had a lot of good reasons and I said yes, and that she would have been proud of me. I feel dorky when I say things like that, weird somehow, but I can't wait to be able to explain that more instead of so many pressing issues! I even told her about how fascinating it has been looking back on my diary from being 15 years old on this site, and she sounded surprised that I had an online diary, maybe because I had kind of fell out of it for a while and never really got to tell her about this before.
Thank God for so many things tonight. Some bad, with ideas for solutions, and a lot of good. This is still really fresh for me, and it's difficult to even write about, but I will get through this, and I am looking forward to looking back and seeing that.
I had a good inspiring session today, and she told me to go eat lunch, and I decided I wanted to. I am glad I am not at the place where I started being a little while ago where I couldn't stand the idea of eating an apple! I was so inspired that I called some friends to hang out with and see because I miss them, and didn't have plans/kids for the day. We went out to lunch, and even at a buffet. I ate one plate of my favorites, slowly, and then I had a plate with healthier things that I worked on slowly, saw a friend from church there, and,... I did not purge!!!! I did end up not getting to eat dinner but I will work hard tomorrow and lunch was a pretty big victory for me so I am going to stay happy about my progress.
I left with one of my friends and brought her over to visit me in my home for a little while. We stayed so long and had so many issues that a few people called a lot and started to get worried, because they know things about my friend and they have a lot of reasons to be worried about her. I tried to start taking her home at one point, and couldn't. I told her how precious it was to have so many people that care, and I just wanted her to get home safely, but she was in a weird mood and didn't want to leave. I had to get firm which is hard but was so necessary. I said we need to go, now, I will be in the car. I waited for a minute, and then I drove to her house, picked her roommate up and brought him back to come get her. My keys had disappeared while working on this, and I think she has them, or hid them from me, not knowing I had an extra car key.
One of the phone calls was from her mom who seems very close to her, and I was sitting right there and heard her mom ask her why she was at my house when she didn't even like me all that much. You can imagine how awkward that was, but while it hurt, I was happy to have heard that from someone and at least have an idea about that since I thought she really did like me, and still am not sure, but regardless of whether she did or did not like me before, is mad at me now, has stolen or hid my keys to keep from being taken home, I love her and forgive her and will be more on guard with her now. I did what I had to do, and everyone can relax now, including me. Her situation was causing me to feel a lot of anxiety and distress.
I am going to look out again for my keys, which I believe I didn't misplace 99.9%. If and when I don't find them, as soon as possible I am going to call and request a new lock so that I can feel secure. I think the earliest I can do that is 8. I need to see if counseling is open tomorrow, and possibly figure out how to get my daughter there from J's on time with a broken headlight. I don't know how or where to fix the headlight. I don't want to get pulled over though!!!
I fell hard on this ice and really am hurting, but the night was way more emotional for me then physically painful. The great thing about this whole night, and all these things going on, my friend, my ed recovery, keys, falling, power outages, wrongfully caught at a red light due to the weather, all the stuff tomorrow that has to get figured out, well, it's that I felt alone. There really wasn't anyone I could talk to about some of the stuff tonight, and so I prayed. "Please help me stay strong, please help me say the right thing. Please help me get through this. Please, God".
The strongest time I ever felt God was when I had other terrible situations and I prayed and heard what I was supposed to do about things, maybe felt strongly. I did the right and the harder thing, and got out of a situation that would have been tragic and hurt me for the rest of my life. I swear at the worst and hardest times of my life, I feel this strength come out, and I believe it's God. It's not good luck!!!
I think I am starting to understand something better. I have read that you are not supposed to be anxious, or worried, and heard that if I put my troubles in God's hands then I can be assured, and I will feel ok, but I wasn't sure how that worked. Now I think I know. I turned to God when I didn't know what to do, I handed Him my burdens and felt the answer to them so far, at least. Now that I have prayed, and tried to do what I thought God wanted me to do, I feel better about the situation in whole, and I don't fear what will come next, and I do NOT feel anxious about the things I still need to do. I am just going to do them, and I will be ok!!! I love feeling this way!!!!!!!!