I woke up (7:47 a.m!) to disasters from my kids. Stressed out, steaming mad. Been having some trouble with them since Saturday night. By myself, trying to still get through stuff.
Hard morning, the kids exhausted and they fell asleep after all three of us had some oatmeal for breakfast. Got them to older sis's house and they were clingy and tired and shy but I had to leave to get to therapy. I saw someone who bumms all the time and sat down next to her, she is a bum but I love her anyways. I was showing her my electronic cigarette and just started having a conversation with everyone in the waiting room. I had a good session, took a 6 month survey and told her about good and bad things, did admit to finding the rest of the diuretics and taking them, she guessed that the day I had the most problems with relapsing was on Friday. She asked me about today and I did have some good plans, getting K packets, getting meds refilled, picking girls up, going to my meeting, et cetera.
I ran my errands after and picked the girls up and the three of us went out to eat for lunch. I don't have the money really but I figured we needed a break and I was really not in the mood to go home, see everything, fight with the girls. I ate lunch though! Had a good time with the girls, got out of our tense enviroment and felt pretty relaxed considering everything.
We got home in enough time for us to get ready to leave again. I dropped the girls off at grammy and papaws and they were clingy and stuff before I left but I managed to get to my meeting and it was a good one. It was my ED support group, we meet once every two weeks for an hour. I brought my subject up after making sure that it was ok with everyone. We talked about it as a group and the counselor that's been helping me with it came in and asked me if I was still doing it and stuff, and I told her the truth, minus one detail. Well, technically, I told the truth the first time with that. I said something about "when I take" the diuretics and she had em notice that, and I changed it to "when I took". Secretly, I am glad she noticed because it shows me that she does pay attention, but I feel guilty because she has been trying to help me! She told me to email her or the other counselor anytime to help me be accountable for it. I have to get serious about this and take her up on her offer, but I want to wait tilll I get done with this set of pills. I think I can be strong enough to not buy anyymore, but for some reason I cannot give these up right now. Don't even want to try. I'm bingeing right now, not for any reason except that i am so hungry, though I can see how my difficult day could have led to this, and I have been driving back and forth long distances today with all these car rides, and I am tired. And so hungry, or was. I am going to finish this any way and I may or may not purge. I don't know. I did eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, and had a craving that I ignored today. But now it's a lot of food really late into the night. I don't like this, but I can't just stop. I should. What I should do is stop this binge/purge cycle from being the purge part since I can't take back what I have eaten, but it's still early enough not to binge. I have to start somewhere,.. though this isn't easy at all.
I really appreciate the sincere, not insane sounding comments on here. I don't have ebnough energy or time in my life to put up with the weird ones, so i just ignore them completely. I don't even bother deleting them, they are just weird. Whatever 