Ok, Hi!!!!
Yesterday on Saturday I went to sleep around 5:30 in the morning and woke up sometime after 7, I had to be at the gynacologist's at 8:20. I was very tired there but that helped make it a lot easier and so it went by very fast. The first lady there, a nurse was confused about what follow up tests I was supposed to have and so my mom was like, well, usually when someone is raped,... ad something else I can't remember, well, the lady was like, oh, she was raped? I was feeling really bad and not to mention invisible, like I wasn't even in the room!
The doctor that I had was a new one and very nice but very awake and awake I was not. She kept talking to me and stuff, saying she was sorry and I was blinking and trying to concentrate and stuff, I didn't know what to say to her really so I kept pretty quiet most of the time.
After the end where I had a blood test for HIV I asked for a sticker and the one nurse was there and said, no, sorry we don't have any, and she said we have bagels though! I thought that was funny, see, I always ask for a sticker at the doctors, that's just how I am. No, I didn't take any of their bagels, either.
We got back home around 9 something and I went to sleep, my cousin kept waking me up and I was in a deep sleep, too! Once she did the first time because she just woke up and thought that I slept in and missed my appointment, we have already been back by then. The next time was when I was actually dreaming, people in my family were in it, but my dreams when I sleep deep and long enough lately have been really blurrish, so I can't make any out. My sister, older half sis was on the phone and talking to me, I couldn't even speak clearly and we wreen't talking about anything really, so I finally asked if I could talk to her later and yet I felt really rude. She didn't mind though. I went back to sleep then till I had to get up and ready for work.
Today it has been very stormy like all weekend so we were very very very slow at work, we got bored! We finished all of the stuff like cleaning and were basically standing around waiting for very few customers. At one point after my hundredth time getting a drink for something to do I was so out of it and noone really talked much and we were so quiet and I guess we all were day dreaming and my manager asked me to take some boxes to the recycling bin and then take this half hour break where we clock out to reduce labor payments and boy was I glad! I took it and read a little bit more of my book, it's called The Watsons go to Birmingham. Then I smoked a cigarette and went back in, and wouldn't you know?! We had customers, so I ended up clocking in two minutes late from my break!
While thinking at work I realized something, something is going to happen and I really need to do something, see, I go to these counseling groups on tuesday and I decided that I'm going to start using them to help me, not waste my time and theirs to be there to listen to the others. I am going on tuesday and when we do these highs and los of the week I am going to tell a low that could be a high, I'm going to say: I'm afraid that I am going to kill myself. I know that it's in my control and that's why I need to get help, If I don't turn my life into a positive one, to where there is a purpose then I'm going to do it, I don't want to kill myself though.
I have been feeling like the only reason I'm living is to face another day, and they haven't been bright lately, for myself or others. I'm scared to death of starting school again, work is going nowhere really, still not sure about who out of parents will end up with us or who will end up with the child support, my mom is really hurting me, I can't see this one person who cares about me and loves me so much, and noone right now is starting to do one of the things to help me with my eating disorder, I feel like the counselors and my mom don't care. It's driving me crazy, everything about it, the laxatives that I still have, am saving and only want more, my throat, my sleeping that I don't do, I can't even make it to church! And the rape, I don't wnat to go forward with it, I'm so scared that he is going to come back and either do it again, or his friends will just go and do something, I don't know.
What I want to do with my life is simple, volunteer at this nursing home, do good in school and not be so depressed thinking about it, go into the ROTC program, do the mini boot camp, keep myself busy and active so that I won't be in anyone's way, and maybe I'll be doing something worth it.
I want to grow up, graduate on time, go to college, move out, get a car, an apartment away from my mom, not have any disorders, like eating or sleeping, hang out with friends, my one guy that is special to me, without him wanting to use me for this ugly body, have a cat or two, maybe a dog, get married, have a baby and raise it the right way, be happy. I feel hopless now like I'll never have that, and boy, do I want it!!! I can't believe that I have prayed that I will never commit suicide. I mean, I actually haven't even felt suicidal, just hurting so bad and almost deperate to where I know that could possibly become an option, it's so stupid!!! But I really don't want to, I just hope I never get the idea.
I am looking up the best I can I hope I can just hold up, because I'km getting a lot weaker, can't hold on to all of these messes I get myself into, I've been going through so much and it's wearing me down!!!
Writing about all of this, it is helping me feel a little better as of now, though, making me feel like weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I hope that when I can talk at this group that I can feel better, I hope they don't take it seriously either, because I don't belong in a restrictive always watching hospital, I just need to be heard. Listened to, I will not be asking for anything else. I want to become the person that God put on this earth not his other person, who's having a hard time hanging on.
Oh, I got this necklace I ordered in the mail, it's a medical ID tag one, it has a red star of life in front and it has my name, then there is a secret part that slides out with some info on me, I put bulimic and then rape victim on it because well, the bulimia knowledge if needed will help me get treated better and faster and I am not sure why I put the rape victim on it, maybe that was stupid. I also always wear my cross necklace, trying to remind myself that I am a Christian and that I want everyone to see it when they see me, so I will act the way I should, I mean, I know how bad I feel when I'm smoking and people can see I'm wearing it! I don't even look like the type to smoke, I do look like a hypercritical though. I feel bad then.
well, that sure was a very, well, i guess another much needed entry of mine, I haven't realized how much I have been holding all of this in, I swear that can be dangerous!!! Please let me know if you have any suggestions to how I could possibly make myself a better life, thanks, take care, and by the way, my name is Mary
Yesterday on Saturday I went to sleep around 5:30 in the morning and woke up sometime after 7, I had to be at the gynacologist's at 8:20. I was very tired there but that helped make it a lot easier and so it went by very fast. The first lady there, a nurse was confused about what follow up tests I was supposed to have and so my mom was like, well, usually when someone is raped,... ad something else I can't remember, well, the lady was like, oh, she was raped? I was feeling really bad and not to mention invisible, like I wasn't even in the room!
The doctor that I had was a new one and very nice but very awake and awake I was not. She kept talking to me and stuff, saying she was sorry and I was blinking and trying to concentrate and stuff, I didn't know what to say to her really so I kept pretty quiet most of the time.
After the end where I had a blood test for HIV I asked for a sticker and the one nurse was there and said, no, sorry we don't have any, and she said we have bagels though! I thought that was funny, see, I always ask for a sticker at the doctors, that's just how I am. No, I didn't take any of their bagels, either.
We got back home around 9 something and I went to sleep, my cousin kept waking me up and I was in a deep sleep, too! Once she did the first time because she just woke up and thought that I slept in and missed my appointment, we have already been back by then. The next time was when I was actually dreaming, people in my family were in it, but my dreams when I sleep deep and long enough lately have been really blurrish, so I can't make any out. My sister, older half sis was on the phone and talking to me, I couldn't even speak clearly and we wreen't talking about anything really, so I finally asked if I could talk to her later and yet I felt really rude. She didn't mind though. I went back to sleep then till I had to get up and ready for work.
Today it has been very stormy like all weekend so we were very very very slow at work, we got bored! We finished all of the stuff like cleaning and were basically standing around waiting for very few customers. At one point after my hundredth time getting a drink for something to do I was so out of it and noone really talked much and we were so quiet and I guess we all were day dreaming and my manager asked me to take some boxes to the recycling bin and then take this half hour break where we clock out to reduce labor payments and boy was I glad! I took it and read a little bit more of my book, it's called The Watsons go to Birmingham. Then I smoked a cigarette and went back in, and wouldn't you know?! We had customers, so I ended up clocking in two minutes late from my break!
While thinking at work I realized something, something is going to happen and I really need to do something, see, I go to these counseling groups on tuesday and I decided that I'm going to start using them to help me, not waste my time and theirs to be there to listen to the others. I am going on tuesday and when we do these highs and los of the week I am going to tell a low that could be a high, I'm going to say: I'm afraid that I am going to kill myself. I know that it's in my control and that's why I need to get help, If I don't turn my life into a positive one, to where there is a purpose then I'm going to do it, I don't want to kill myself though.
I have been feeling like the only reason I'm living is to face another day, and they haven't been bright lately, for myself or others. I'm scared to death of starting school again, work is going nowhere really, still not sure about who out of parents will end up with us or who will end up with the child support, my mom is really hurting me, I can't see this one person who cares about me and loves me so much, and noone right now is starting to do one of the things to help me with my eating disorder, I feel like the counselors and my mom don't care. It's driving me crazy, everything about it, the laxatives that I still have, am saving and only want more, my throat, my sleeping that I don't do, I can't even make it to church! And the rape, I don't wnat to go forward with it, I'm so scared that he is going to come back and either do it again, or his friends will just go and do something, I don't know.
What I want to do with my life is simple, volunteer at this nursing home, do good in school and not be so depressed thinking about it, go into the ROTC program, do the mini boot camp, keep myself busy and active so that I won't be in anyone's way, and maybe I'll be doing something worth it.
I want to grow up, graduate on time, go to college, move out, get a car, an apartment away from my mom, not have any disorders, like eating or sleeping, hang out with friends, my one guy that is special to me, without him wanting to use me for this ugly body, have a cat or two, maybe a dog, get married, have a baby and raise it the right way, be happy. I feel hopless now like I'll never have that, and boy, do I want it!!! I can't believe that I have prayed that I will never commit suicide. I mean, I actually haven't even felt suicidal, just hurting so bad and almost deperate to where I know that could possibly become an option, it's so stupid!!! But I really don't want to, I just hope I never get the idea.
I am looking up the best I can I hope I can just hold up, because I'km getting a lot weaker, can't hold on to all of these messes I get myself into, I've been going through so much and it's wearing me down!!!
Writing about all of this, it is helping me feel a little better as of now, though, making me feel like weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I hope that when I can talk at this group that I can feel better, I hope they don't take it seriously either, because I don't belong in a restrictive always watching hospital, I just need to be heard. Listened to, I will not be asking for anything else. I want to become the person that God put on this earth not his other person, who's having a hard time hanging on.
Oh, I got this necklace I ordered in the mail, it's a medical ID tag one, it has a red star of life in front and it has my name, then there is a secret part that slides out with some info on me, I put bulimic and then rape victim on it because well, the bulimia knowledge if needed will help me get treated better and faster and I am not sure why I put the rape victim on it, maybe that was stupid. I also always wear my cross necklace, trying to remind myself that I am a Christian and that I want everyone to see it when they see me, so I will act the way I should, I mean, I know how bad I feel when I'm smoking and people can see I'm wearing it! I don't even look like the type to smoke, I do look like a hypercritical though. I feel bad then.
well, that sure was a very, well, i guess another much needed entry of mine, I haven't realized how much I have been holding all of this in, I swear that can be dangerous!!! Please let me know if you have any suggestions to how I could possibly make myself a better life, thanks, take care, and by the way, my name is Mary