Hi,
Today I have felt the same as yesterday pretty much, I don't know how to describe it, in a way it's not even really depressed feeling, but more of this quiet, invisible kind, it's like I'm slipping through these days trying to make it in a normal atmosphere when I know in my heart that well, I feel like I'm slowly moving out, and that I'm ready to leave, and in the same quiet way.
I thought of something earlier, I was looking at myself in a way where my therapist might, I was thinking about things I have done this summer so far and about little "comfort zones" and stuff. I started my summer out where I was doing normal things, like going to amusment parks and swimming, and going to the movies and sleeping in and just having a blast!
On Fathers day, actually the night before I stayed the night with my dad, he took me to waffle house and I ordered a waffle and ate it the way I always do, a speck of butter in the middle and a drop of syrup on each piece and then a tiny drop in the middle, then I smear it all around it and eat it with a fork, cutt up. We are regulars there, ess my dad who goes 4-5 times daily for coffee and so the cook there, Clint who's studing to be a nurse, and a girl waitress name Shannon sat with us, and she sarcastically said something about all of that syrup I use, and dad blurted out she thinks she's fat. That is embarrasing, but I forgave him, at least he didn't mention that I do all of those other things!
I couldn't sleep at night, I was excited about my friends party the next day, fathers day. I went there and had a nice time, then the rest hapened and when we got back home, I came back up from showing a neighbor my dress and the guy well, I let him come in. That's when he raped me, but I didn't stop him, I was in shock. I let him. After that I started my new job the next day and got busy with the two jobs, counseling groups and court stuff, detective stuff, hospital, the rape test and the appointment I just had. I realized today that I am slipping in a way, I think I could get back to where I want to be if I would help out places, do more and only good things. Be useful, not shut out, it's like I'm planning on getting rid of myself. I have no reason to live BBBUUUTTTT I really don't have a reason to die yet. I want God to take control then, nad when it's my time to go peacefully and into Heaven. I guess I think if I am making my life hell right now, then why would I want to get out of it to go to a much much much worse hell???
I believe in God and I believe he loves me very much, I don't understand why, but I know it's true. I feel quilty though because I am not able to go back to my church, I can't and don't even bother to pick up the phone for a ride there, I wouldn't know what to say. I am praying that I'll be able to go back and feel the way I can remember, like there was no problems in the world, when we sang it was wonderful, no matter how bad I or so and so were when we sang. The preacher always gave powerful messages to us, to me they meant a lot and most were easy for me to understand. I wish that there were 24 hour churches though, for everyone to always feel that way, but it's like as soon as you come home, I hate to say this but you face reality and it's bad because you don't think about the sermon with the hidden message that you just heard, or the bracelets you see on kids in the childrens church, WWJD? It makes me feel like a hypercrite.
I called my, um, sort of boyfriend today. He was so sweet and talked to me like we haven't not talked to each other for monyhs. I was smiling, he was talking about his kitties. I want him to understand how badly this is hurting right now, I want him to just talk to me about our realtionship, I suggest going somewhere together one day, he says he'll be busy. Yet it's not like I'm blind and he just doesn't want to go out with me, Tjis is hard though because I feel like I have to wait for him, to not give up that he'll come back, or at least end the relationship if he doesn't want it. I am letting him have me on hold and I'm glad, that way I have him for little while. See, this has to sound crazy, but if any, I really think that he is the one that I'll "be with" for a long time, maybe grow up and marry. He's a virgin, and I'm not. I can't blame it on the rape, either, but in ways I lost it before that, because I didn't care. I don't know how he feels about that, though Well, I'll write more later, Take Care!!!
Actually, my mom came in and I was worried that I wasn't allowed on here but she said I could be because I did what I was supposed to do, the other night I didn't because I opted to fall asleep instead and got in trouble. I wish I knew how to scan pictures and could scan one of Eric, my bf, and me, you'd see what I mean then. It is a picture of one of the happiest moments of my life so far. Maybe someday I'll learn how! You know what? I'm goin to do ok, as bad as everything has been getting, there is no other wya, I'll have to be allright. Maybe one day i can look back and help someone else going throuh all of this stuff I'll write more soon!
Today I have felt the same as yesterday pretty much, I don't know how to describe it, in a way it's not even really depressed feeling, but more of this quiet, invisible kind, it's like I'm slipping through these days trying to make it in a normal atmosphere when I know in my heart that well, I feel like I'm slowly moving out, and that I'm ready to leave, and in the same quiet way.
I thought of something earlier, I was looking at myself in a way where my therapist might, I was thinking about things I have done this summer so far and about little "comfort zones" and stuff. I started my summer out where I was doing normal things, like going to amusment parks and swimming, and going to the movies and sleeping in and just having a blast!
On Fathers day, actually the night before I stayed the night with my dad, he took me to waffle house and I ordered a waffle and ate it the way I always do, a speck of butter in the middle and a drop of syrup on each piece and then a tiny drop in the middle, then I smear it all around it and eat it with a fork, cutt up. We are regulars there, ess my dad who goes 4-5 times daily for coffee and so the cook there, Clint who's studing to be a nurse, and a girl waitress name Shannon sat with us, and she sarcastically said something about all of that syrup I use, and dad blurted out she thinks she's fat. That is embarrasing, but I forgave him, at least he didn't mention that I do all of those other things!
I couldn't sleep at night, I was excited about my friends party the next day, fathers day. I went there and had a nice time, then the rest hapened and when we got back home, I came back up from showing a neighbor my dress and the guy well, I let him come in. That's when he raped me, but I didn't stop him, I was in shock. I let him. After that I started my new job the next day and got busy with the two jobs, counseling groups and court stuff, detective stuff, hospital, the rape test and the appointment I just had. I realized today that I am slipping in a way, I think I could get back to where I want to be if I would help out places, do more and only good things. Be useful, not shut out, it's like I'm planning on getting rid of myself. I have no reason to live BBBUUUTTTT I really don't have a reason to die yet. I want God to take control then, nad when it's my time to go peacefully and into Heaven. I guess I think if I am making my life hell right now, then why would I want to get out of it to go to a much much much worse hell???
I believe in God and I believe he loves me very much, I don't understand why, but I know it's true. I feel quilty though because I am not able to go back to my church, I can't and don't even bother to pick up the phone for a ride there, I wouldn't know what to say. I am praying that I'll be able to go back and feel the way I can remember, like there was no problems in the world, when we sang it was wonderful, no matter how bad I or so and so were when we sang. The preacher always gave powerful messages to us, to me they meant a lot and most were easy for me to understand. I wish that there were 24 hour churches though, for everyone to always feel that way, but it's like as soon as you come home, I hate to say this but you face reality and it's bad because you don't think about the sermon with the hidden message that you just heard, or the bracelets you see on kids in the childrens church, WWJD? It makes me feel like a hypercrite.
I called my, um, sort of boyfriend today. He was so sweet and talked to me like we haven't not talked to each other for monyhs. I was smiling, he was talking about his kitties. I want him to understand how badly this is hurting right now, I want him to just talk to me about our realtionship, I suggest going somewhere together one day, he says he'll be busy. Yet it's not like I'm blind and he just doesn't want to go out with me, Tjis is hard though because I feel like I have to wait for him, to not give up that he'll come back, or at least end the relationship if he doesn't want it. I am letting him have me on hold and I'm glad, that way I have him for little while. See, this has to sound crazy, but if any, I really think that he is the one that I'll "be with" for a long time, maybe grow up and marry. He's a virgin, and I'm not. I can't blame it on the rape, either, but in ways I lost it before that, because I didn't care. I don't know how he feels about that, though Well, I'll write more later, Take Care!!!
Actually, my mom came in and I was worried that I wasn't allowed on here but she said I could be because I did what I was supposed to do, the other night I didn't because I opted to fall asleep instead and got in trouble. I wish I knew how to scan pictures and could scan one of Eric, my bf, and me, you'd see what I mean then. It is a picture of one of the happiest moments of my life so far. Maybe someday I'll learn how! You know what? I'm goin to do ok, as bad as everything has been getting, there is no other wya, I'll have to be allright. Maybe one day i can look back and help someone else going throuh all of this stuff I'll write more soon!