Ok, I haven't fallen asleep yet, it's after 5 a.m. and I'm kind of bored so I thought that I'd write a little bit again.
When I finished writing before I kind of hung back into our living room and Mom, Teri (twin) and I were talking and couldn't a usual agree to where we wanted to vacation, I asked how long would we stay and mom said that depended on where we went and so I asked about money, we got nowhere.
Teri finally suggested on staying at my Grandma's and mom and I go by ourselves. I wonder what's up? She probably wants the chance to use the phone and stuff since she's really supposed to be grounded from it, but that's a weird feeling to not have here go with us on vacation this year.
I mean, who else am I going to fight with about who sits in front when and where the stuff goes? None of us are light packers, so it should be a lot better to have more room to ourselves, I'm going to sit in the front the WHOLE WAY and put are extra stuf in the back, but on the floor so when I start feeling queasy I can lay down in back, or when I want to be more comfortable, I'm going to bring pillows and covers and stuff, too! Unless you've had a couple, lot's of stuff like luggage and carry on bags, and later on sereo stuff, and at least two kids in you were in a car for a long time you wouldn't understand what our vacations used to be like.
I'm a little sad, though. See, I'll pretty much be by myself and I'll be lonely, my mom aggravates me by doing stupid things, to me that is, and she doesn't do anything with me, I get really ad sometimes thinking about that. It's really hard, ess. on me, since Teri has developed this additude that says she doesn't care, I think she like blocks stuff out with other things and she keeps things inside, too. But mom is someone, well, a therapist once said that it's really bad, because we at least have a mother, but she's never there. We might as well not have a mother. The same t said I was responsible, It's not fun feeling like a 15 year old adult.
With all of the things I have that make me feel like an adult, I have the right to want to grow up, drive, move out, take care of myself and make this a better life for myself. I can't stand it when anyone tells me just wait, they don't understand. I do a lot of those things now, I mean, all that I can, I go to school, work, save my money, do my own things like take care of my hygeine, laundry, In a strange way that might be why I do some other things, I know that there is some deep down reason why I have an eating disorder, because it's not just about losing weight, since it's a psy. thing and an obsession and all, but what if I'm doing that because, well, on one hand I'm being mature, responsible without any help, then on the other hand I'm a different being, I am shoving pills like laxatives and diet pills down my throat, holding my hair back everyday from the toilet, throwing up, excercising, not eating, et cetera. That's two different me's. It's like I really can't handle my first self and I'm using the other self to control it.
Oh, well. I sent my "puppy love" boyfriend a letter, ended it because it wasn't there. I wish I knew what happened! I was reading one of ALLWomans diary entries and she said something about PDA, well, that's an excuse I was given on the last day of school last year when I asked him to be in a picture with me. That he'd get in trouble with the commander of jr. rotc for that, I happened to see the commander when I was working at school once and he told ,e that he wouldn't have been in trouble, he didn't have his uniform on! I wish I knew what had gone wrong. I may never figure it out. I don't care really, it's sad to me because I actually thought he cared and I felt lucky to have met him and go out with him, but since he didn't care all I had really was to think about how much I'm not worth, that it was all on my end. I was lucky to be with HIM not the other way around. I'm not going to try again, I don't have the strength too, not yet anyways.
Well, Let's see, I'll start off another subject. My parent's have been seperated for like 3 years and they aren't sure that they can get divorced, because they were common law wed. Me and Teri found out they were engaged when they were because of the year on a home tape we watched, and then mom showing her engagment ring on it. We were shocked. It was funny, we kept rewinding it because she was saying: I love my ring, and I love the man who gave it to me then she picked up a sandwich and took a bite we could hear. CCCCRUUUUNNNCCHHH!!!! It was an onion, we laughed so hard, kept rewinding and then we figured it out. I don't know, our paren't sure have tons of secrets, and two VERY SMART kids.
When we were really youg, probably around 2 yrs old, we lived in an apartment complex. In our apartment lived, me, mom, Teri, Grandma, and Delores, older sister. Our dad lived by hisself in another apartment.
One day a we were left at a babysitters and she was mean! We were very confused, me, Teri and her little boy around our age, when she locked us in a closet!!! I can't remember a whole lot, but I remember almost every detail of this. This was like 13 years ago, too! So she locked us in it, we probably just about got there, and us toddlers were crying, I remember Teri crying, and I remember her boy just quiet, I remember looking for shoes and stuff. When she finally let us out I don't think we were really upset, we just accepted it like we were bad and had to be locked up like a dog or something. She had a baby, I remember asking to hold her, and she wouldn't let me. I remember crying again though as soon as mom came and of course we tattled on the lady for locking us up, I bet that I was thinking she wouldn't believe us but she got upset.
My mom used to want to be a cop, she loves getting people in trouble, really. That's another story though,... Anyway, she tried to get the lady's butt in trouble and pressed charges, but nothing happened to her because they did not have any kind of contrac, such as a verbal one that this lady couldn't have sex while watching us. Well, this was told to me later when I mentioned it, that that's why we got locked in.
I don't know about that lady, but when I babysitt now, I feel weird leaving them alone and just being under the same roof with them, I make it my job to play or at least entertain them. Makes things go a whole lot smoother.
Ok, that's it for now, I'll probably wake up barely in time for work at 4 this afternoon, then go to work, then come home on here again. BYE! NIGHT!
When I finished writing before I kind of hung back into our living room and Mom, Teri (twin) and I were talking and couldn't a usual agree to where we wanted to vacation, I asked how long would we stay and mom said that depended on where we went and so I asked about money, we got nowhere.
Teri finally suggested on staying at my Grandma's and mom and I go by ourselves. I wonder what's up? She probably wants the chance to use the phone and stuff since she's really supposed to be grounded from it, but that's a weird feeling to not have here go with us on vacation this year.
I mean, who else am I going to fight with about who sits in front when and where the stuff goes? None of us are light packers, so it should be a lot better to have more room to ourselves, I'm going to sit in the front the WHOLE WAY and put are extra stuf in the back, but on the floor so when I start feeling queasy I can lay down in back, or when I want to be more comfortable, I'm going to bring pillows and covers and stuff, too! Unless you've had a couple, lot's of stuff like luggage and carry on bags, and later on sereo stuff, and at least two kids in you were in a car for a long time you wouldn't understand what our vacations used to be like.
I'm a little sad, though. See, I'll pretty much be by myself and I'll be lonely, my mom aggravates me by doing stupid things, to me that is, and she doesn't do anything with me, I get really ad sometimes thinking about that. It's really hard, ess. on me, since Teri has developed this additude that says she doesn't care, I think she like blocks stuff out with other things and she keeps things inside, too. But mom is someone, well, a therapist once said that it's really bad, because we at least have a mother, but she's never there. We might as well not have a mother. The same t said I was responsible, It's not fun feeling like a 15 year old adult.
With all of the things I have that make me feel like an adult, I have the right to want to grow up, drive, move out, take care of myself and make this a better life for myself. I can't stand it when anyone tells me just wait, they don't understand. I do a lot of those things now, I mean, all that I can, I go to school, work, save my money, do my own things like take care of my hygeine, laundry, In a strange way that might be why I do some other things, I know that there is some deep down reason why I have an eating disorder, because it's not just about losing weight, since it's a psy. thing and an obsession and all, but what if I'm doing that because, well, on one hand I'm being mature, responsible without any help, then on the other hand I'm a different being, I am shoving pills like laxatives and diet pills down my throat, holding my hair back everyday from the toilet, throwing up, excercising, not eating, et cetera. That's two different me's. It's like I really can't handle my first self and I'm using the other self to control it.
Oh, well. I sent my "puppy love" boyfriend a letter, ended it because it wasn't there. I wish I knew what happened! I was reading one of ALLWomans diary entries and she said something about PDA, well, that's an excuse I was given on the last day of school last year when I asked him to be in a picture with me. That he'd get in trouble with the commander of jr. rotc for that, I happened to see the commander when I was working at school once and he told ,e that he wouldn't have been in trouble, he didn't have his uniform on! I wish I knew what had gone wrong. I may never figure it out. I don't care really, it's sad to me because I actually thought he cared and I felt lucky to have met him and go out with him, but since he didn't care all I had really was to think about how much I'm not worth, that it was all on my end. I was lucky to be with HIM not the other way around. I'm not going to try again, I don't have the strength too, not yet anyways.
Well, Let's see, I'll start off another subject. My parent's have been seperated for like 3 years and they aren't sure that they can get divorced, because they were common law wed. Me and Teri found out they were engaged when they were because of the year on a home tape we watched, and then mom showing her engagment ring on it. We were shocked. It was funny, we kept rewinding it because she was saying: I love my ring, and I love the man who gave it to me then she picked up a sandwich and took a bite we could hear. CCCCRUUUUNNNCCHHH!!!! It was an onion, we laughed so hard, kept rewinding and then we figured it out. I don't know, our paren't sure have tons of secrets, and two VERY SMART kids.
When we were really youg, probably around 2 yrs old, we lived in an apartment complex. In our apartment lived, me, mom, Teri, Grandma, and Delores, older sister. Our dad lived by hisself in another apartment.
One day a we were left at a babysitters and she was mean! We were very confused, me, Teri and her little boy around our age, when she locked us in a closet!!! I can't remember a whole lot, but I remember almost every detail of this. This was like 13 years ago, too! So she locked us in it, we probably just about got there, and us toddlers were crying, I remember Teri crying, and I remember her boy just quiet, I remember looking for shoes and stuff. When she finally let us out I don't think we were really upset, we just accepted it like we were bad and had to be locked up like a dog or something. She had a baby, I remember asking to hold her, and she wouldn't let me. I remember crying again though as soon as mom came and of course we tattled on the lady for locking us up, I bet that I was thinking she wouldn't believe us but she got upset.
My mom used to want to be a cop, she loves getting people in trouble, really. That's another story though,... Anyway, she tried to get the lady's butt in trouble and pressed charges, but nothing happened to her because they did not have any kind of contrac, such as a verbal one that this lady couldn't have sex while watching us. Well, this was told to me later when I mentioned it, that that's why we got locked in.
I don't know about that lady, but when I babysitt now, I feel weird leaving them alone and just being under the same roof with them, I make it my job to play or at least entertain them. Makes things go a whole lot smoother.
Ok, that's it for now, I'll probably wake up barely in time for work at 4 this afternoon, then go to work, then come home on here again. BYE! NIGHT!