Wow, I have a tough week coming up, but for right now I'd rather write about something today that I was thinking about, and even though this is a diary I cannot put exactly what I was thinking for some reasons, so bear with me, I was in my own little world at the time and I was sitting in my therapists car on the way home from group.
Ok, I'll say what I was thinking, but don't worry about it or anything, almost everyone thinks this way once in a while:
I had my mind on some things, and thought, if I could just up and leave, I wouldn't be leaving anything, and it won't bother anyone. The thought came from what hapened yesterday. I was telling Steve about how mom was enjoying herself while poking her head out to look for the cops and detectives and evertything, and suddenly something occured to me. If I killed myself, then it wouldn't matter. Mom's laughter over the bad things, things that scared me to death and she thought of as a game, this damn rape thing where it causes a lot of problems on it's own, I mean, what am I living for??? To have two different court cases to deal with? To have to face my friend again, that was so kind to me when others weren't, and betrayed me by pushing his body into mine? I mean, I've gone through a lot of antibotics, embarrassing doctor appoinments, and the hospital SANE (sexual assault nurse examination) rape test, not too mention questioning, witness, witness fee I'll collect, nightmares, not having a hemon anymore, being the bad person for letting it happen and for putting him in jail possibily, and thinking I'm doing great at school for making on the first grades for an interm report, not even a quarter of school yet, 2 b's and a bunch of a's.
The teacher I tutor for will have someone else if she needs them, probably Sue, My Granmdma will just drink more and give herself a heart attack again, my sister who had a hysterectomy will just be more emotional then usual for a while, My dad will have one less person to blame things on mom for, and all I am is a walking mistake.
The things that would happen to me is I'd die FAT, with fading red hair more a brown, my sister will have more attention and be like an only child here at home, and just won't have anyne to compete with anymore about anything, and if I didn't die, I would be moved to a place where I can't get into anyones way and it'd be easier to allow my eating disorder to get better, and maybe they would do something about these chest pains, too.
I talked to the nurse, because I showed her where I've been hurting for a little while, right under my breasts in the middle, and she showed me where that was on this chart, and it's on the tip of the guy on the charts liver, and so what I might be experiencing is that when purging, ess. as much as I have lately, well, I may start to be screwing up my insides. Steve said to not purge. I only purged twice today.
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I started to think about what I would be thinking about if, say, an attempt would just get me locked up in an institution or assyleum or something. I would be missing field trips at school, becoming a medic, outings with the counselors and friends that go there, tutoring anyway, youth group and Ms. B, and The H's and work, and snow days and holidays and birthdays and stuff, and you all, too, of course!!! I mean, who'd be able to take care of my email??? I get a lot of mail, mostly junk mail, and I have to delete some every day. I think for a while I'm going to just pray that I can remain strong through all of this, and just do things to enjoy life, even with all of the things that started to make me feel differently. If I ever say that i'm going to do something that will kill me, like on here, if anyone reads it, I would hope that they will be able to stop me, I've gotten as far as to trying before, and I may just get depresse and say something, but in case, I would hope that not only you'll pray about the situatation but that you'll also tell someone, like maybe Steve the guy here that helps make dear diary work, I think I'll email and ask him to help in that way, just tellt hem what I said and maybe he'll email someone to tell for me, like my therapist, I'll check. See, I really don't want to ie. I just wis that I could be stronger and live better :( Please pray for me if you will I appreciate it a LOT! love, mary
Ok, I'll say what I was thinking, but don't worry about it or anything, almost everyone thinks this way once in a while:
I had my mind on some things, and thought, if I could just up and leave, I wouldn't be leaving anything, and it won't bother anyone. The thought came from what hapened yesterday. I was telling Steve about how mom was enjoying herself while poking her head out to look for the cops and detectives and evertything, and suddenly something occured to me. If I killed myself, then it wouldn't matter. Mom's laughter over the bad things, things that scared me to death and she thought of as a game, this damn rape thing where it causes a lot of problems on it's own, I mean, what am I living for??? To have two different court cases to deal with? To have to face my friend again, that was so kind to me when others weren't, and betrayed me by pushing his body into mine? I mean, I've gone through a lot of antibotics, embarrassing doctor appoinments, and the hospital SANE (sexual assault nurse examination) rape test, not too mention questioning, witness, witness fee I'll collect, nightmares, not having a hemon anymore, being the bad person for letting it happen and for putting him in jail possibily, and thinking I'm doing great at school for making on the first grades for an interm report, not even a quarter of school yet, 2 b's and a bunch of a's.
The teacher I tutor for will have someone else if she needs them, probably Sue, My Granmdma will just drink more and give herself a heart attack again, my sister who had a hysterectomy will just be more emotional then usual for a while, My dad will have one less person to blame things on mom for, and all I am is a walking mistake.
The things that would happen to me is I'd die FAT, with fading red hair more a brown, my sister will have more attention and be like an only child here at home, and just won't have anyne to compete with anymore about anything, and if I didn't die, I would be moved to a place where I can't get into anyones way and it'd be easier to allow my eating disorder to get better, and maybe they would do something about these chest pains, too.
I talked to the nurse, because I showed her where I've been hurting for a little while, right under my breasts in the middle, and she showed me where that was on this chart, and it's on the tip of the guy on the charts liver, and so what I might be experiencing is that when purging, ess. as much as I have lately, well, I may start to be screwing up my insides. Steve said to not purge. I only purged twice today.
**********************BBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTT*************************
I started to think about what I would be thinking about if, say, an attempt would just get me locked up in an institution or assyleum or something. I would be missing field trips at school, becoming a medic, outings with the counselors and friends that go there, tutoring anyway, youth group and Ms. B, and The H's and work, and snow days and holidays and birthdays and stuff, and you all, too, of course!!! I mean, who'd be able to take care of my email??? I get a lot of mail, mostly junk mail, and I have to delete some every day. I think for a while I'm going to just pray that I can remain strong through all of this, and just do things to enjoy life, even with all of the things that started to make me feel differently. If I ever say that i'm going to do something that will kill me, like on here, if anyone reads it, I would hope that they will be able to stop me, I've gotten as far as to trying before, and I may just get depresse and say something, but in case, I would hope that not only you'll pray about the situatation but that you'll also tell someone, like maybe Steve the guy here that helps make dear diary work, I think I'll email and ask him to help in that way, just tellt hem what I said and maybe he'll email someone to tell for me, like my therapist, I'll check. See, I really don't want to ie. I just wis that I could be stronger and live better :( Please pray for me if you will I appreciate it a LOT! love, mary