Hmm, camp, is just going to have to wait for a little while I giuess,... I'm going to write about what I started doing after getting ready for today last night instead, I don't know what gave me the urge, maybe it was from feeling suicidal, but I just sat down in the basement after putting clothes in the washer and went through my journals that are hidden in this thing I call our nintendo stand, and I couldn't believe some of the things I saw in there, but the things I sat down and started writing where what I was thinking about the most.
This is a goodbye letter to my soulmate, my Memaw, my mother's mom in case. I wrote it last night: Memaw, I'm sorry if I let you down but you know that I missed you? That's right- it wasn't either of our work schedules or my school- sometime, somewhere I wasn't your baby girl anymore.
This is hard, I'm not blaming you at all, I've hurt you a lot. I've already been thinking about dying though when you said these words, you had to mean them, drinking or not. You said I hate this fucking family, I hate this fucking family with a passion, well, I unfort. that night was a part of the family and you know what? I would have given my life then and there for you to tell me either I love you more or I love you less (this inside thing with us to express our love, like our pet names, baby girl and memaw) But I understood why you hated me, too. I put you through hell all of my life when you have taught me and you were so special to me- I was going to write a great book and dedicate it to you. But it could never be as wonderful as you.
I miss the special times, those fucken special times I loved with a passion. I wanted you to be in my wedding, Iremember wanting to marry early just in case so that you could make it, you were so kind and understanding when sober & thinking clearly.
I wanted them back!!!!! I wanted to sleep at night in bed with you- be held, kiss your hand and move around so much that you had to turn around to sleep, turning your wedding band around till that one gem was in the right place.
Rub your back with icy hot, lend you some of my books to read, watch movies like Pollyanna with you, watch those special tv shows, tell you about my life and hear about yours over our card games were so damn special to me, for you to tell me to not hate anyone bu6 it's ok to dislike them, and don't swear to God get timed dressing for school in the morning for you to tell me to lye on my stomach to cure a stomachache to kiddenly sneak a drink of your beer from you when you could see me to repremand me, to dust your furniture for you refusing to be payed for it, playing dress up in your clothes, esp. your work uniform, to have breakfast in the morning you woke up early to make for me, even if it was mac and cheese, spam, coke and rice for your meals, sour crout and spare ribs on bread with butter and soy sauce, for you letting me in on things you felt I should know more about, letting me sneak to see mrs. H, ET CETERA. You always said you wanted and couldn't wait to get on a plane to Florida to get away from us. Well, I'll be going south, too. for everyone's own good. I love you more, your lonely ex baby girl, ~Mary
Well, gotta work at like ten in the morning till 2, so I'll probably be back on here tomorrow from dads, till then hasta luego
Actually, what I thought about today, I have two goals in my life for like this year, I want to either have a baby or die It's weird feelings I have about them,..
This is a goodbye letter to my soulmate, my Memaw, my mother's mom in case. I wrote it last night: Memaw, I'm sorry if I let you down but you know that I missed you? That's right- it wasn't either of our work schedules or my school- sometime, somewhere I wasn't your baby girl anymore.
This is hard, I'm not blaming you at all, I've hurt you a lot. I've already been thinking about dying though when you said these words, you had to mean them, drinking or not. You said I hate this fucking family, I hate this fucking family with a passion, well, I unfort. that night was a part of the family and you know what? I would have given my life then and there for you to tell me either I love you more or I love you less (this inside thing with us to express our love, like our pet names, baby girl and memaw) But I understood why you hated me, too. I put you through hell all of my life when you have taught me and you were so special to me- I was going to write a great book and dedicate it to you. But it could never be as wonderful as you.
I miss the special times, those fucken special times I loved with a passion. I wanted you to be in my wedding, Iremember wanting to marry early just in case so that you could make it, you were so kind and understanding when sober & thinking clearly.
I wanted them back!!!!! I wanted to sleep at night in bed with you- be held, kiss your hand and move around so much that you had to turn around to sleep, turning your wedding band around till that one gem was in the right place.
Rub your back with icy hot, lend you some of my books to read, watch movies like Pollyanna with you, watch those special tv shows, tell you about my life and hear about yours over our card games were so damn special to me, for you to tell me to not hate anyone bu6 it's ok to dislike them, and don't swear to God get timed dressing for school in the morning for you to tell me to lye on my stomach to cure a stomachache to kiddenly sneak a drink of your beer from you when you could see me to repremand me, to dust your furniture for you refusing to be payed for it, playing dress up in your clothes, esp. your work uniform, to have breakfast in the morning you woke up early to make for me, even if it was mac and cheese, spam, coke and rice for your meals, sour crout and spare ribs on bread with butter and soy sauce, for you letting me in on things you felt I should know more about, letting me sneak to see mrs. H, ET CETERA. You always said you wanted and couldn't wait to get on a plane to Florida to get away from us. Well, I'll be going south, too. for everyone's own good. I love you more, your lonely ex baby girl, ~Mary
Well, gotta work at like ten in the morning till 2, so I'll probably be back on here tomorrow from dads, till then hasta luego
Actually, what I thought about today, I have two goals in my life for like this year, I want to either have a baby or die It's weird feelings I have about them,..