Someone, please do something with me, with my life, I do NOT have any more control over it then a stranger does. Who does? God, do you? What's the plan? What is supposed to happen with me???? I need some help! I don't know what to do anymore with anything! I'm desperate here!!!! Let me know what I'm supposed to do and I'll do anything I need to to get that way. I don't know if I am supposed to try harder or to quit, that's why I'm still aloive, I'm still waiting,.....
Steve, you did something special last Tuesday, as usual after group noone else was home but me, and you first took me out to eat and we had a nice talk, you asked how things were really going, not letting me try to fool you. You care about me, why do you care about me? Why should you???? You, too, Angie, WHY????
I understand about what you guys were saying about how if some things don't start changing for the better, you have to close the case and not be our counselors anymore. That's because the point of you being here for us is because when you help us, even just by suggesting how we could maybe do some things, we're supposed to try and take your advice, that's why we got counselors! So, for you, I have done what I could, and you wouldn't believe, Steve, after you helped me by sitting in my room with me while I cleaned and organized stuff, and did that laundry, Just by that little encouragement I got the whole thing inished, and I was so fucking proud of myself that I tried to show some of the family on Thanksgiving that has only seen it as our basement before, with my stuff around it, things like furniture in storing and Christmas decorations, noone really wanted to even see it, and when a couple did, they didn't give a flying fuck about it. But that was ok, I knew how hard I worked and what an acomplshment it was, because I now have what I haven't before, my own room, a small place to keep my stuff and myself in and privacy. A place that I can go to when I want to get away from anyone in the house. Or relax a little, I swear, My stupid life is a fucking struggle every single day, and I've tried so hard, but, IT'S NOT ENOUGH!!!!! What is enough? How can I want any of the finer things of life? How can I want to get my liscence and drive a car, and get outta here only to live alone in an aoartment that I'll not know how to sleep or eat or live in? I'll have a cluttered messy life, and how can I even think that theres a chance I'll become a paramedic and help at leats some people, when I don't even know how to talk to people? I'm not shy, I'm insecure, I can't try and help or even save lives of strangers when in front of them, I put myself on reserve and think I'm not good enough to talk to them even much less take care of them in any way. Who cares about ROTC anyway? That's only a program for people to help them, get their self esteem and confidence up, and oh, God, I don't deserve to be in it, they need to replace me with someone who could really use the help and get better by it, not some stupid little slut like myself, who lets people in and ends up putting him in jail for doing what she would've been happy to do, if only it was a different way, time, and if only it didn't hurt so much
Where did all of this come from??? I think it's becausse for the last few ights I've been doing what normal people do anyway, and it's been a huge improvement, doing good things for my fuckig self, like sleeping and eatingh without always gagging myself and getting it out of here.
That should make all well. But no. I played with my cousins last night after dinner, finally got all to sleep, set my alarms, woke up on time to spend the day withmy 2nd grade sunday school teacher, then went home just long ebnough to get ready for work, bother my mom by askng her to drive me, and then had a nice day except that mrs. H, the lady I can't see? She said she'd stop by to see me on her way back to work, well, to the airport, and she couldn't make it, I called her house from work and Mr. H said she was running late, That was ok, i understood, I just missed her so damn mucj that it hurts, and I feel lie if I don't see her again anytime soon I won't get to see her anymore at all, and I honestly don't remeber where exactly I saw her the last time, and I miss her so much
Well, I have to put myself on hold for a little while, a friend called, cryinga nd I had to ask why he wanted to commit suicide, when he was planning on it, how, and so now I'm calling a hospital to ask them for someadd help and I'm calling him back, I hate this, feeling so sorry for myself when i don;'t need it,....
********************************************************************************WOAH! I think that something has happened to me, while still working on my entry, I got a phone call, and instead of saying call back later, since it was for Teri and she wasn't home, I stayed on and talked to the guy because he was crying, and I figured out that he was going to try to kill himself because he wanted them to get him out and take him to the hospital, he tried it twice already. I talked to him, made sure that he was ok, and I said I'd call him right back, got the phone book out for this hospital and I called, the operator and I said I have a friend that wants to kill himself and I'm not sure about what to do, and she said hang on one sec I'll page someone to talk to you, so on coms a doctor whio says, someone paged me? And I said, Um, I guess, I don't know, then explianed the situation. I told her what I could get out of the boy while crying, that he will do it, he don't know how or when, and stuff like that. She told me to call the police, and yen call the operator bacjk to page her, I did, they couldn't find him, I was just crying up a storm myself first before talking to the boy, so I was crying again, the doctor called me back twice and she was very helpful, and since she was a psych doctor I used her, I cried openly and we talked, she asked if I was ok and I said no, of course I didn't tell her abou how I've been feeling because well, why in the heck should I have? and besides, I think that in a strange way I was given an answer to what this enntry was about in the first place. What is my purpose in life? How can i become a paramedic? Well, I think that how when that happened I just put aide what I was feeling and did what I could. They called, he asn't admitted in the hospital but will be put back on his medicine, prozac and he will maybe get counseling soon. I felt like I had some purpose just tonight, if anything. I'm no herorine, and I didn't save his life, or him from taking his life, but I listened to him and I did what others are "legally obligated to" because I'm morally obligated to. And I'm am very tired. I think that I will go to sleep now, because I have to wake up at 7 and it's close to 10 after 1 a.m., and I have work form 8-4 and then a dinner date at 5, so I'll be writing again soon, Thank you, God
Steve, you did something special last Tuesday, as usual after group noone else was home but me, and you first took me out to eat and we had a nice talk, you asked how things were really going, not letting me try to fool you. You care about me, why do you care about me? Why should you???? You, too, Angie, WHY????
I understand about what you guys were saying about how if some things don't start changing for the better, you have to close the case and not be our counselors anymore. That's because the point of you being here for us is because when you help us, even just by suggesting how we could maybe do some things, we're supposed to try and take your advice, that's why we got counselors! So, for you, I have done what I could, and you wouldn't believe, Steve, after you helped me by sitting in my room with me while I cleaned and organized stuff, and did that laundry, Just by that little encouragement I got the whole thing inished, and I was so fucking proud of myself that I tried to show some of the family on Thanksgiving that has only seen it as our basement before, with my stuff around it, things like furniture in storing and Christmas decorations, noone really wanted to even see it, and when a couple did, they didn't give a flying fuck about it. But that was ok, I knew how hard I worked and what an acomplshment it was, because I now have what I haven't before, my own room, a small place to keep my stuff and myself in and privacy. A place that I can go to when I want to get away from anyone in the house. Or relax a little, I swear, My stupid life is a fucking struggle every single day, and I've tried so hard, but, IT'S NOT ENOUGH!!!!! What is enough? How can I want any of the finer things of life? How can I want to get my liscence and drive a car, and get outta here only to live alone in an aoartment that I'll not know how to sleep or eat or live in? I'll have a cluttered messy life, and how can I even think that theres a chance I'll become a paramedic and help at leats some people, when I don't even know how to talk to people? I'm not shy, I'm insecure, I can't try and help or even save lives of strangers when in front of them, I put myself on reserve and think I'm not good enough to talk to them even much less take care of them in any way. Who cares about ROTC anyway? That's only a program for people to help them, get their self esteem and confidence up, and oh, God, I don't deserve to be in it, they need to replace me with someone who could really use the help and get better by it, not some stupid little slut like myself, who lets people in and ends up putting him in jail for doing what she would've been happy to do, if only it was a different way, time, and if only it didn't hurt so much
Where did all of this come from??? I think it's becausse for the last few ights I've been doing what normal people do anyway, and it's been a huge improvement, doing good things for my fuckig self, like sleeping and eatingh without always gagging myself and getting it out of here.
That should make all well. But no. I played with my cousins last night after dinner, finally got all to sleep, set my alarms, woke up on time to spend the day withmy 2nd grade sunday school teacher, then went home just long ebnough to get ready for work, bother my mom by askng her to drive me, and then had a nice day except that mrs. H, the lady I can't see? She said she'd stop by to see me on her way back to work, well, to the airport, and she couldn't make it, I called her house from work and Mr. H said she was running late, That was ok, i understood, I just missed her so damn mucj that it hurts, and I feel lie if I don't see her again anytime soon I won't get to see her anymore at all, and I honestly don't remeber where exactly I saw her the last time, and I miss her so much
Well, I have to put myself on hold for a little while, a friend called, cryinga nd I had to ask why he wanted to commit suicide, when he was planning on it, how, and so now I'm calling a hospital to ask them for someadd help and I'm calling him back, I hate this, feeling so sorry for myself when i don;'t need it,....
********************************************************************************WOAH! I think that something has happened to me, while still working on my entry, I got a phone call, and instead of saying call back later, since it was for Teri and she wasn't home, I stayed on and talked to the guy because he was crying, and I figured out that he was going to try to kill himself because he wanted them to get him out and take him to the hospital, he tried it twice already. I talked to him, made sure that he was ok, and I said I'd call him right back, got the phone book out for this hospital and I called, the operator and I said I have a friend that wants to kill himself and I'm not sure about what to do, and she said hang on one sec I'll page someone to talk to you, so on coms a doctor whio says, someone paged me? And I said, Um, I guess, I don't know, then explianed the situation. I told her what I could get out of the boy while crying, that he will do it, he don't know how or when, and stuff like that. She told me to call the police, and yen call the operator bacjk to page her, I did, they couldn't find him, I was just crying up a storm myself first before talking to the boy, so I was crying again, the doctor called me back twice and she was very helpful, and since she was a psych doctor I used her, I cried openly and we talked, she asked if I was ok and I said no, of course I didn't tell her abou how I've been feeling because well, why in the heck should I have? and besides, I think that in a strange way I was given an answer to what this enntry was about in the first place. What is my purpose in life? How can i become a paramedic? Well, I think that how when that happened I just put aide what I was feeling and did what I could. They called, he asn't admitted in the hospital but will be put back on his medicine, prozac and he will maybe get counseling soon. I felt like I had some purpose just tonight, if anything. I'm no herorine, and I didn't save his life, or him from taking his life, but I listened to him and I did what others are "legally obligated to" because I'm morally obligated to. And I'm am very tired. I think that I will go to sleep now, because I have to wake up at 7 and it's close to 10 after 1 a.m., and I have work form 8-4 and then a dinner date at 5, so I'll be writing again soon, Thank you, God