Honestly, sometimes I do not know why I bother.
I fell asleep, believe it or not, around 10 or 11 last night, on my math homework. I was ssssooooooo tired!!! I woke up sometime around 5:30 in the morning and I was freezing, had to hurry up and get my rotc uniform ready since thursdays we have inspections and I fell asleep before doing that, and then I looked at my homework, I had around 30 problems to do and probably had about 6 finished, and I just sighed, looked at my cover I brought up and pu on the couch, threw the stuff in my school ba an fell asleep. I got up later then usual and missed the bus, but it was only at the like top part of our neighborhood so the bus that comes right after it used the radio thing and the driver ctually drove me up to my bus, where I got on and the driver smarted off to me, I ignored her. I was tired, and not in the mood to listen to her. I fell asleep, I was passede out till we got to school.
I somehow got in and made it to my locker, then a teacher made me go in the bathroom because I wasn't wearing my uniform correctly and I had to put the extra stuff that's really annoying on and tuck my shirt in, I did and then went to aqautics, we had an assembly so we had shorter periods, and instead of just sitting there I asked to go to the nurses office, where I got to go and sleep. I fell asleep as soon as I got comfortable with my cover and pillow. Not too long after that I heard a familiar vocie say, "Mary, wake up sleeping beauty" I opened my eyes and found it was Ms. B, the security guard not the nurse waking me up. What class is this? I'm not sure, but come on and splash some water on your eyes so you can wake up, Dr. W wants to see you. She's the school psyhcologist, she's really nice, most days of the week she's at the school I went to from 4th-6th grade, the one Cilla goes to and we live by, and so I walked to her office with Ms. B, not knowing exactly why, but too tired to care. I could tell something was really bothering ms. B, though. She was quiet and seemed upset, so I made light conversation like we were just taking a walk through the halls together.
When we got there I said hello, how are you and was surprised when Ms. B sat down, and I sat down, too, and scooted my seat closer to her while Dr. W was finishing a phone call, she talked to me quietly, I felt like I was in a daze, or dream, and she nervously said things like isn't your hair supposed to be above your collar? (another uniform screw up) and then I plled another ponytail band thing out because she said she'd fix it for me, I wish that she was fixing my hair in different circumstances, and just getting to spend ome time together, and not being somehere like that.
Whn Dr. W got off the phone, all three of us talked. Well, Dr. W first said that I was loved by many many many people and that a lot of them that she knows are concerned about me, and that Ms. B was one of them and wanted to talk to me, because she came to her to talk when she saw my arm and was very upset.
Ms. B started talking then, she made me make eye contact. She doesn't always do that, and I hate when she does. She only does that when she wants to get a point across and she get's fustrate when I can't look at her in the eye, she'll put her hands under my chin and say mary, look at me, and I'll look at her blue eyes for about 2 seconds, then look down again, she let's me go sometimes.
We talked about my counselors, Steve and Angie a little, and what Ms. B said mostly was about mom, she asked me questions like about things she knows, like how mom locks my medicine I take to sleep with up and so she doesn't always get to it even when I'm going to take it, how she never even picked up one of my prescriptions, et cetera. Also how at night I don't sleep, when I do I sleep on the couch, how I walk the streets in the wee hours of the morning, she said I must be scared of something, maybe at home.
She said a lot about counseling, most of what I can't really remember, and one of the things she asked about was some kind of private counselig, and she told Dr. W that she was sure that my mom would approve of Ms. B taking me to places lik that, that she trusts her, which of course was true, and some other stuff Maybe I was tired, or tire from thinking so much, also, but I was thinking somewhere around then that why doesn't ms. B just take me home with her? Where we could live happily ever after as a family??? If you've ever seen the movie I think made Ilike 1996, Matilda, you would understand how close we are to each other, justlike Matilda and Ms. Honeybee. Or whatever the teachers name was.
I'v been so emotionally confused today, I do think I'm going crazy. Who cares?? I'm NOT suicidal which was something that Ms. B said really terrified her, right now I'm not, I have been but they on't know that, but I wonder what I'll be doing with my life eventually I'll get tired of this crap I'm doing to myself, and I'll move on, but to what? a better life a pscyh unit or instituion? to grow up, fall in love, be happily married with little sweet kids and a paramedic and firefighter? Who knows. I have to go get ready for school tomorrow I also have work, and then but for right nw, I just want to get to sleep. :O yawn It's been a long day.
I fell asleep, believe it or not, around 10 or 11 last night, on my math homework. I was ssssooooooo tired!!! I woke up sometime around 5:30 in the morning and I was freezing, had to hurry up and get my rotc uniform ready since thursdays we have inspections and I fell asleep before doing that, and then I looked at my homework, I had around 30 problems to do and probably had about 6 finished, and I just sighed, looked at my cover I brought up and pu on the couch, threw the stuff in my school ba an fell asleep. I got up later then usual and missed the bus, but it was only at the like top part of our neighborhood so the bus that comes right after it used the radio thing and the driver ctually drove me up to my bus, where I got on and the driver smarted off to me, I ignored her. I was tired, and not in the mood to listen to her. I fell asleep, I was passede out till we got to school.
I somehow got in and made it to my locker, then a teacher made me go in the bathroom because I wasn't wearing my uniform correctly and I had to put the extra stuff that's really annoying on and tuck my shirt in, I did and then went to aqautics, we had an assembly so we had shorter periods, and instead of just sitting there I asked to go to the nurses office, where I got to go and sleep. I fell asleep as soon as I got comfortable with my cover and pillow. Not too long after that I heard a familiar vocie say, "Mary, wake up sleeping beauty" I opened my eyes and found it was Ms. B, the security guard not the nurse waking me up. What class is this? I'm not sure, but come on and splash some water on your eyes so you can wake up, Dr. W wants to see you. She's the school psyhcologist, she's really nice, most days of the week she's at the school I went to from 4th-6th grade, the one Cilla goes to and we live by, and so I walked to her office with Ms. B, not knowing exactly why, but too tired to care. I could tell something was really bothering ms. B, though. She was quiet and seemed upset, so I made light conversation like we were just taking a walk through the halls together.
When we got there I said hello, how are you and was surprised when Ms. B sat down, and I sat down, too, and scooted my seat closer to her while Dr. W was finishing a phone call, she talked to me quietly, I felt like I was in a daze, or dream, and she nervously said things like isn't your hair supposed to be above your collar? (another uniform screw up) and then I plled another ponytail band thing out because she said she'd fix it for me, I wish that she was fixing my hair in different circumstances, and just getting to spend ome time together, and not being somehere like that.
Whn Dr. W got off the phone, all three of us talked. Well, Dr. W first said that I was loved by many many many people and that a lot of them that she knows are concerned about me, and that Ms. B was one of them and wanted to talk to me, because she came to her to talk when she saw my arm and was very upset.
Ms. B started talking then, she made me make eye contact. She doesn't always do that, and I hate when she does. She only does that when she wants to get a point across and she get's fustrate when I can't look at her in the eye, she'll put her hands under my chin and say mary, look at me, and I'll look at her blue eyes for about 2 seconds, then look down again, she let's me go sometimes.
We talked about my counselors, Steve and Angie a little, and what Ms. B said mostly was about mom, she asked me questions like about things she knows, like how mom locks my medicine I take to sleep with up and so she doesn't always get to it even when I'm going to take it, how she never even picked up one of my prescriptions, et cetera. Also how at night I don't sleep, when I do I sleep on the couch, how I walk the streets in the wee hours of the morning, she said I must be scared of something, maybe at home.
She said a lot about counseling, most of what I can't really remember, and one of the things she asked about was some kind of private counselig, and she told Dr. W that she was sure that my mom would approve of Ms. B taking me to places lik that, that she trusts her, which of course was true, and some other stuff Maybe I was tired, or tire from thinking so much, also, but I was thinking somewhere around then that why doesn't ms. B just take me home with her? Where we could live happily ever after as a family??? If you've ever seen the movie I think made Ilike 1996, Matilda, you would understand how close we are to each other, justlike Matilda and Ms. Honeybee. Or whatever the teachers name was.
I'v been so emotionally confused today, I do think I'm going crazy. Who cares?? I'm NOT suicidal which was something that Ms. B said really terrified her, right now I'm not, I have been but they on't know that, but I wonder what I'll be doing with my life eventually I'll get tired of this crap I'm doing to myself, and I'll move on, but to what? a better life a pscyh unit or instituion? to grow up, fall in love, be happily married with little sweet kids and a paramedic and firefighter? Who knows. I have to go get ready for school tomorrow I also have work, and then but for right nw, I just want to get to sleep. :O yawn It's been a long day.