Wow, on June 8th, year 2000 I had first stumbled upon this website and I started writing in it. A week and three days ago I turned 18. In my first entry I had mentioned something about being 18. I said how "I wanted out of all of this, but I didn't want to try and kill myself anymore,.. but I had to turn 18 soon, and then I'd be working on my life,.." this June I would have been writing in here for about three years. Looking back, I wonder if at that time I was still depressed and somehow, maybe unconciously, I was still wanting to kill myself. That was a different me. Now, every once in a while, when I think about it, I cannot believe that I was so sad that, a few weeks before I was out of 6th grade, I actually almost killed myself. I was that miserable with my precious life that I had my eyes rolling around in my head and was rushed to the hospital. I am going to have to describe it the best that I can, kind of as a tribute, I guess, to being where I am now, from where I was before.
*** I've been depressed for so long. I don't know if I was for weeks, or months, as seriously as I was at the time, but it resulted from years of hurt and pain. I think I was a preety happy and normal child up until my Grandma moved out, and my mother had to start raising her twins. Then came the yelling, cussing, fighting, arguing, and hitting. Being pulled from my hair, being chased as fast as my overweight mom could walk, being so humilated all of the time. Being ignored when the tv was on, confusing me with wanting to "love on me", or play with me, but when she wanted to stop and wanted more, I got in trouble. Like, when the commercials stopped. It was devastating, and I guess I just couldn't handle it. A qotefrom my mom: I'll hit you wherever I get, or something like that. That was when I covered my face with my arm. Whenever I cried about something, well, it was like you had to cry more, cry harder so she'd realize she did enough and leave me alone, or sometimes you couldn't cry, it was weird, but I figured it out somehow, sometimes. I faked it sometimes.
Grandma's leaving hit me the most. It hurt me really emotionally, but also I had noone to turn to for safety, and mom always took us to skyline or wendys for dinner, because she was too laxy to cook or buy groceries. With Grandma, eating out was a treat. I got tired of it very quickly with mom. And it was always the same thing, "wendy's or skyline, girls?" So, I've been sort of plotting to use my medicine to get me out of it. I am smart. I always was falling asleep in school from it, and that was also one of my many problems, so I knew that if I took more then I normally did, that I would be assleep forever. In my usual journals, for days, or weeks, I was writing all 0f my cons and pros' to ending my life. Believe me, it was a little hard, but it's sad that I could have so many cons in my life at like twelve years old. I also couldn't decide when to do it. My teacger had promised me and a neighbor a pizza party because we halped her out all year, I was about to graduate form the sixth grade, and I was ina play/musical for music masters, which I went to once a week for two years. I was going to be a fisherman, it was a big part for one of our songs, "gone fishing". I had many other things going on, and this will sound weird, but it's how I felt at the time. I just couldn't figure out when to fit killing myself into my schedule. That goes to show that healthier kids are usally the busier ones. They don't have the time to kill themselves. I also realized one day that the cons were so bad that the good things didn't matter, and so I couldn't keep stalling, I had to do it.
Mom, me, Teri (my twin) and Priscilla (my cousin) were all eating at wendys one night. Teri and Cilla were sitting at their own table, and I was sitting with mom. I think what I asked mom wads that if Grandma moved out because of us, me and Teri. I don't remember what I actually asked, but her reply was that we were younger then, which implied to me that she loved me only when I was younger, or something. Now, I'm depressed enough already. I got mad though. I went to sit with the others. That night when we got home, I got ready for bed. While mom was watching tv, I snuck upstairs behind her and was worried that my medicine was making too much noise, rattling in my housecoat pockets or whatever I was wearing. She didn't notice. That may have made the difference. I think I was taking clonodine and paxil at the time. One was capsules, which I broke and emtied the powder into a glass from each pill and put water in it. I had my own room. The other pills I took into the bathroom. I either had swallowed twenty five of the one kind, and drank some of the gross mix, or the pills that the doctors saw, togther equaled twenty five. Right after I finished, I felt so peacful, so ready to die. I was a little scared, but just waiting. I went into Teri's room and gave her this big hug and I kept telling her how sorry I was, about everything, I guess. She was actually really nice to me. She said it was ok, though I'm sure I wasn't making much sense. Later I found out that she went into moms room and told her that I was acting weird. Did mom come to talk to me, or to even just check on me? Hell, no. Who gave a damn? I always was just this sesitive child, anyway. So, I grab my angel bear, I named her Angel-a, Granmda gave her to me the Christmas before, and then I wrote some note, I actually wrote I wanted out of this hell that I was in, and I think that was when I wrote to mom that I wish she could have loved me first. I know this all sounds so dramatic, but it's true. I was so nice in it, I didn't even tell mom how horrible she was, or how much I hated her. Just, in my own sweet little way, I said I'm not happy, I want to die. I think I had a second letter, either a type of will or a general letter to everyone else, saying I was sorry, et cetera. I didn't know how long it would take to die, I thought it would happen while I slept. I didn't know where I wanted to die, so I carried my bear, my letters and a blanket and pillow into the hallway outside of mom, Teri and my room. I woke up on the couch in the living room downstairs. Mom and Priscilla was trying really hard to wake me up, they thought I was just going to be late to school, as always. Poor Priscilla. So, somehow I got dressed in the bathroom, and was driven to school. Our school is just a sidewalk away, but I had to have a parent sign me in. I remember two out of three people that were sitting with me at our table, made out of four desks. Sara, a really sweet girl even today, laughed when i was sleeping and said I musthave stayed up too lte reading or something. I think i agreed with her. During the four page test in social studies, I kept on falling assleep. I had no idea that I was really passing out, and neither did my teacher. When she collected our tests,she saw that mine had one answer done and some really weird writing on it. Kind of like when your writing in school and falling asleep, your pen just kind of runs across the paper. She was nice and let me go to the library instead of the gym or art or music special of the day, to finish my test. Let's call this teacher Mrs. E. I somehow got to the library which was just around the corner, fell asleep again. The librarian, Mrs. R, she woke me up. Some third grade kids were there on a field trip, looking at a video on our school, where most would be attending soon. I fell asleep. Mrs. R came back again to wake me up, this is what happened the second or third time she came over. She tapped my shoulder, woke me up, I looked at her, she nearly screamed. I think that at that point foam was coming out of my mouth and my pupils were dialated. All she said was stay right here, I will be back. I was just glad that she would leave me alone and let me sleep again. Her and Mrs. E came back. I think Mrs. E gasped, too. I said I was thirsty, but they couldn't let me get any water. Ido remembergetting some water, but I think I kind of dreampt about it. They both had me hold on to them, and they had us walk. I think they were barely holding me by the shoulders. We walked really slowly. We stopped just outside of my other teachers room, Mrs. H, for some reason, ahnd I think that later they said that was when my eyes were rolling back into my head. We got to the school nurses office. I was laying down on a cot, and I remember that the librarian, the nurse, the teacher and the principal were all in there. I'll never forget Mrs. E's beautiful brown questioning eyes, staring down at me. I just wanted to sleep, I didn't even think about how I was dying then. The pincipal, also Mrs. E but we'll call her Mrs. P, she called moms cell phone and mom answered it at her job, at wendys. Mom was there, doing that walk thing with me, while I was like litterally sleep walking, and I looked at the gym on our way out and saw that they music maters were doing their musical, and that I was supposed to be the fsiherwoman. I slept all of the way to the doctors office, which I don't remember at all. Later on I met the doctor that helped me until an ambulance arrived. I wonder why the mabulance didn't come to scyhool and get me instead, why was their watsed time? The octors was far away and I would have gotten help as soon as the ambulance came, which was faster. My mom is just stupid and probably didn't know what to o in an emergency. I wouldn't be surprised if she made an appointment to the doctors firts. So, I remember the ambulance, how the medics fought to keep me awake, by asking me those dumb, but ness. questions. They gave me two iv's, one for the dehydration, one for something else. They kept asking mom over and over if I could have od'd, and my mom, crying, later kept telling people how she told them that her baby wouldn't do something like that. I remember being glad that they weren't asking me what happened. It was weird, I wanted to know why they didn't ask. Here's glimpses now, since I was slipping in and out of conciousness. A bed in the er, or somewhere until I could get a room or place in the er, a bedpan, a window, it was dark out. I kept thinking about school, and what time it was when I was awake. Then, i came to. I was being forced to drink charcoal. I was combative, and delirious. I fought the tube going into my stomach, to put charcoal oin, but then they had to put one in my nose because I was in no shape to drink it., but I guess that didn't work out either, because I do remmebr drinking it. It's a drink that looks like gas. It's disgusting, and that is what probably makes it to where you throw up, and that's the point, to get you to throw the pills up. She had to mix some sprite in it to convince me to drink oit, and I think I manipulated her to give me a sip probably promising her that I'd drink the charcoal if she did. I guess I drank enough, because I fell asleep for a long time. Hours later, still delrius, I was profusely apologizing to who musyt have been another nurse, by how confused she looked. See, now I remember, I hit the nurse before, that's where my being combative came in. I fell asleep again, and I remember someone rolling my stretcher with some of my family by it down a hall. I think that Delores saw me waking up, my older sister, and said that,a nd I closed myt eyes again, not wanting to talk, just wanting to sleep. Sometime later I wake up, and see my uncle on the couch in my new room and I think that Delores, and mom were there, too. I was a little more awake then. I think mom said something like I told you that she is always awake more when the sun comes down. Either then or when i woke up again, someobne told me that Teri wanted me to call her at home. They said something about Teri, because, still delirius, I picked up my armrest for my iv, and started talking to teri. Right now I cabnnot concentrate at all, and think of this because dad is here now and has the tv on but I'll try, I did say hello oh my armrest, but then there was something with the phone, talking to teri, I guess I picked it up and hung up on her, or I was picking the phone up and teri was actually right there. My memory is blurred there, and the tv is loud! Anyway, I remember seeing Teri or someone, a hurt expression on someones worried face, and feeling bad, but not fully understanding. Eventually I was up for good and was transferred to my new home for two weeks, the psych ward. I got closer to my older sister, who hit me as much as my mom after trying to kill myself, and teachers at school started understanding things about me a lot better, but my mom never changed. She got worse, if that was possible. Just in the last year she actually dared to hit me again! I wanted to kill her for doing it again, but I didn't. I didn't even hit her back. Who's the bigger guy here? I'll write more later, but now the tv isn't bothering me, we're watching live coverage on the war, and a car fire just started, and it looks like there is a dead marine laying on this road, I hope not, this is on our side. more later
*** I've been depressed for so long. I don't know if I was for weeks, or months, as seriously as I was at the time, but it resulted from years of hurt and pain. I think I was a preety happy and normal child up until my Grandma moved out, and my mother had to start raising her twins. Then came the yelling, cussing, fighting, arguing, and hitting. Being pulled from my hair, being chased as fast as my overweight mom could walk, being so humilated all of the time. Being ignored when the tv was on, confusing me with wanting to "love on me", or play with me, but when she wanted to stop and wanted more, I got in trouble. Like, when the commercials stopped. It was devastating, and I guess I just couldn't handle it. A qotefrom my mom: I'll hit you wherever I get, or something like that. That was when I covered my face with my arm. Whenever I cried about something, well, it was like you had to cry more, cry harder so she'd realize she did enough and leave me alone, or sometimes you couldn't cry, it was weird, but I figured it out somehow, sometimes. I faked it sometimes.
Grandma's leaving hit me the most. It hurt me really emotionally, but also I had noone to turn to for safety, and mom always took us to skyline or wendys for dinner, because she was too laxy to cook or buy groceries. With Grandma, eating out was a treat. I got tired of it very quickly with mom. And it was always the same thing, "wendy's or skyline, girls?" So, I've been sort of plotting to use my medicine to get me out of it. I am smart. I always was falling asleep in school from it, and that was also one of my many problems, so I knew that if I took more then I normally did, that I would be assleep forever. In my usual journals, for days, or weeks, I was writing all 0f my cons and pros' to ending my life. Believe me, it was a little hard, but it's sad that I could have so many cons in my life at like twelve years old. I also couldn't decide when to do it. My teacger had promised me and a neighbor a pizza party because we halped her out all year, I was about to graduate form the sixth grade, and I was ina play/musical for music masters, which I went to once a week for two years. I was going to be a fisherman, it was a big part for one of our songs, "gone fishing". I had many other things going on, and this will sound weird, but it's how I felt at the time. I just couldn't figure out when to fit killing myself into my schedule. That goes to show that healthier kids are usally the busier ones. They don't have the time to kill themselves. I also realized one day that the cons were so bad that the good things didn't matter, and so I couldn't keep stalling, I had to do it.
Mom, me, Teri (my twin) and Priscilla (my cousin) were all eating at wendys one night. Teri and Cilla were sitting at their own table, and I was sitting with mom. I think what I asked mom wads that if Grandma moved out because of us, me and Teri. I don't remember what I actually asked, but her reply was that we were younger then, which implied to me that she loved me only when I was younger, or something. Now, I'm depressed enough already. I got mad though. I went to sit with the others. That night when we got home, I got ready for bed. While mom was watching tv, I snuck upstairs behind her and was worried that my medicine was making too much noise, rattling in my housecoat pockets or whatever I was wearing. She didn't notice. That may have made the difference. I think I was taking clonodine and paxil at the time. One was capsules, which I broke and emtied the powder into a glass from each pill and put water in it. I had my own room. The other pills I took into the bathroom. I either had swallowed twenty five of the one kind, and drank some of the gross mix, or the pills that the doctors saw, togther equaled twenty five. Right after I finished, I felt so peacful, so ready to die. I was a little scared, but just waiting. I went into Teri's room and gave her this big hug and I kept telling her how sorry I was, about everything, I guess. She was actually really nice to me. She said it was ok, though I'm sure I wasn't making much sense. Later I found out that she went into moms room and told her that I was acting weird. Did mom come to talk to me, or to even just check on me? Hell, no. Who gave a damn? I always was just this sesitive child, anyway. So, I grab my angel bear, I named her Angel-a, Granmda gave her to me the Christmas before, and then I wrote some note, I actually wrote I wanted out of this hell that I was in, and I think that was when I wrote to mom that I wish she could have loved me first. I know this all sounds so dramatic, but it's true. I was so nice in it, I didn't even tell mom how horrible she was, or how much I hated her. Just, in my own sweet little way, I said I'm not happy, I want to die. I think I had a second letter, either a type of will or a general letter to everyone else, saying I was sorry, et cetera. I didn't know how long it would take to die, I thought it would happen while I slept. I didn't know where I wanted to die, so I carried my bear, my letters and a blanket and pillow into the hallway outside of mom, Teri and my room. I woke up on the couch in the living room downstairs. Mom and Priscilla was trying really hard to wake me up, they thought I was just going to be late to school, as always. Poor Priscilla. So, somehow I got dressed in the bathroom, and was driven to school. Our school is just a sidewalk away, but I had to have a parent sign me in. I remember two out of three people that were sitting with me at our table, made out of four desks. Sara, a really sweet girl even today, laughed when i was sleeping and said I musthave stayed up too lte reading or something. I think i agreed with her. During the four page test in social studies, I kept on falling assleep. I had no idea that I was really passing out, and neither did my teacher. When she collected our tests,she saw that mine had one answer done and some really weird writing on it. Kind of like when your writing in school and falling asleep, your pen just kind of runs across the paper. She was nice and let me go to the library instead of the gym or art or music special of the day, to finish my test. Let's call this teacher Mrs. E. I somehow got to the library which was just around the corner, fell asleep again. The librarian, Mrs. R, she woke me up. Some third grade kids were there on a field trip, looking at a video on our school, where most would be attending soon. I fell asleep. Mrs. R came back again to wake me up, this is what happened the second or third time she came over. She tapped my shoulder, woke me up, I looked at her, she nearly screamed. I think that at that point foam was coming out of my mouth and my pupils were dialated. All she said was stay right here, I will be back. I was just glad that she would leave me alone and let me sleep again. Her and Mrs. E came back. I think Mrs. E gasped, too. I said I was thirsty, but they couldn't let me get any water. Ido remembergetting some water, but I think I kind of dreampt about it. They both had me hold on to them, and they had us walk. I think they were barely holding me by the shoulders. We walked really slowly. We stopped just outside of my other teachers room, Mrs. H, for some reason, ahnd I think that later they said that was when my eyes were rolling back into my head. We got to the school nurses office. I was laying down on a cot, and I remember that the librarian, the nurse, the teacher and the principal were all in there. I'll never forget Mrs. E's beautiful brown questioning eyes, staring down at me. I just wanted to sleep, I didn't even think about how I was dying then. The pincipal, also Mrs. E but we'll call her Mrs. P, she called moms cell phone and mom answered it at her job, at wendys. Mom was there, doing that walk thing with me, while I was like litterally sleep walking, and I looked at the gym on our way out and saw that they music maters were doing their musical, and that I was supposed to be the fsiherwoman. I slept all of the way to the doctors office, which I don't remember at all. Later on I met the doctor that helped me until an ambulance arrived. I wonder why the mabulance didn't come to scyhool and get me instead, why was their watsed time? The octors was far away and I would have gotten help as soon as the ambulance came, which was faster. My mom is just stupid and probably didn't know what to o in an emergency. I wouldn't be surprised if she made an appointment to the doctors firts. So, I remember the ambulance, how the medics fought to keep me awake, by asking me those dumb, but ness. questions. They gave me two iv's, one for the dehydration, one for something else. They kept asking mom over and over if I could have od'd, and my mom, crying, later kept telling people how she told them that her baby wouldn't do something like that. I remember being glad that they weren't asking me what happened. It was weird, I wanted to know why they didn't ask. Here's glimpses now, since I was slipping in and out of conciousness. A bed in the er, or somewhere until I could get a room or place in the er, a bedpan, a window, it was dark out. I kept thinking about school, and what time it was when I was awake. Then, i came to. I was being forced to drink charcoal. I was combative, and delirious. I fought the tube going into my stomach, to put charcoal oin, but then they had to put one in my nose because I was in no shape to drink it., but I guess that didn't work out either, because I do remmebr drinking it. It's a drink that looks like gas. It's disgusting, and that is what probably makes it to where you throw up, and that's the point, to get you to throw the pills up. She had to mix some sprite in it to convince me to drink oit, and I think I manipulated her to give me a sip probably promising her that I'd drink the charcoal if she did. I guess I drank enough, because I fell asleep for a long time. Hours later, still delrius, I was profusely apologizing to who musyt have been another nurse, by how confused she looked. See, now I remember, I hit the nurse before, that's where my being combative came in. I fell asleep again, and I remember someone rolling my stretcher with some of my family by it down a hall. I think that Delores saw me waking up, my older sister, and said that,a nd I closed myt eyes again, not wanting to talk, just wanting to sleep. Sometime later I wake up, and see my uncle on the couch in my new room and I think that Delores, and mom were there, too. I was a little more awake then. I think mom said something like I told you that she is always awake more when the sun comes down. Either then or when i woke up again, someobne told me that Teri wanted me to call her at home. They said something about Teri, because, still delirius, I picked up my armrest for my iv, and started talking to teri. Right now I cabnnot concentrate at all, and think of this because dad is here now and has the tv on but I'll try, I did say hello oh my armrest, but then there was something with the phone, talking to teri, I guess I picked it up and hung up on her, or I was picking the phone up and teri was actually right there. My memory is blurred there, and the tv is loud! Anyway, I remember seeing Teri or someone, a hurt expression on someones worried face, and feeling bad, but not fully understanding. Eventually I was up for good and was transferred to my new home for two weeks, the psych ward. I got closer to my older sister, who hit me as much as my mom after trying to kill myself, and teachers at school started understanding things about me a lot better, but my mom never changed. She got worse, if that was possible. Just in the last year she actually dared to hit me again! I wanted to kill her for doing it again, but I didn't. I didn't even hit her back. Who's the bigger guy here? I'll write more later, but now the tv isn't bothering me, we're watching live coverage on the war, and a car fire just started, and it looks like there is a dead marine laying on this road, I hope not, this is on our side. more later