I don't know why, but I just can't get out of my diary, I just feel like writing, I want to do something, but what? Only write. I just wrote an entry but that wasn't enough, I only left this site to figure out some addresses of some of my other fave. sites, since I figured out how to add links to this diary.
If you go to the first link, it's a page that has candles on it and plays music, I used to go into this chat room to chat about eating disorders, but despite the rules it had, people did things like we got each others email addreses so that we could give tips, intentionally or not, and so the chat room finally like closed, or something. I started writing in that when I was just beginning to use the internet and also my eating disorder I think it helped me to get worse. Anyway, the site has candles "lit" for people that lost a loved one or friend to an eating disorder. Someone even wrote about Princess Di with her bulimia in that one, all of the entrys in there are sad. I hope that each person that had a candle lit for someone, well, that that heped to ease their pain a little.
The way I've een typing tonight, it doesn't seem like I'm sincere, it seems like if I was talking I would be talking using a monotone voice. I guess I'm a little tired, I didn't do a whole lot after waking up today, though, but that can make someone tired.
My second link is from a site that I found when in one of my moods, I thought wow, I think I'm ready to quit with my ed, well, I think that if someone else took charge and did something, kind of like the people in the hospital did, I may be able to quit. Some things you just can't help yourself with, I think it's the control issue, I decide when to do what and how, with my ed, but the last few days at the hospital they told me that I had to stay and wait in the room after I ate, well, they were taking over, I thought that was cool and did it, I was actually more upset when they let me go to my bedroom there afterwards after telling me they were going to force me to digest my food. I thought about something weird, I think if I was hospitilized it would help me, because here at home, my mom knows that I do it and lets me, not that she really can stop me, but she dioesn't even try. Please, someone,.. am I making any sense at all here?!!!
The third site, medic 37, well, I like that one and in the calls part, well, the 3rd page has a story I wrote and sent to them, it's called Jayne, by a patient in Ohio, Mary. It basically is the story of me in 6th grade, when my life changed because that was the first time that I tried to commit suicide, and then we had and still have counseling from it, also, it explins kind of what made me first want to be a medic. And now firefighter :) Oh! Yesterday my mom picked me upjust to go and look at a really bad accident, MVA on the highway. A car or more had fallen into this gally on the side, it's a ditch in the grass by the exit we get off of to go to explorers, I was there earlier, before the accident. On the way home I said a lot, I said one, I hate that in a way this is an exciting thing for us to look at, like nosy bystanders, when een though we are both just interested, someone could have gotten killed in it, then I said mom, I almost missed my chance to grow up and become a paramedic and a firefighter, she said who told you that? I said what?!!! I mean, duh! I was talking about how again I almost killed myself and that way obviously I couldn't be a medic and ff, I'm glad I made it, everytime I tried to kill myself, and I hope if I ever try again that I won't die, I hope I have the control to never act stupid like that again, I know I do already, but like, I said I'd never do it again before and there I went.
The fourth link is for another medic site, I like that one a lot, too. Esp. the humor page, check that out if you want some humor, maybe after reading one of my long, boring serious entries, or the next link, which is a site for jokes, I never went there before, but found it to add it for readers that are interested in humor.
Well, I guess I better get and read and finish laundry and stuff, I have to be honest here, I am lonely, Ishould probably go into a chat room, but I think what I'll do is email a friend of mine. I hope she'll email me back with some extra long letters soon, I miss talking to her a lot, and oh, I don't know. Bye for now, take care!
If you go to the first link, it's a page that has candles on it and plays music, I used to go into this chat room to chat about eating disorders, but despite the rules it had, people did things like we got each others email addreses so that we could give tips, intentionally or not, and so the chat room finally like closed, or something. I started writing in that when I was just beginning to use the internet and also my eating disorder I think it helped me to get worse. Anyway, the site has candles "lit" for people that lost a loved one or friend to an eating disorder. Someone even wrote about Princess Di with her bulimia in that one, all of the entrys in there are sad. I hope that each person that had a candle lit for someone, well, that that heped to ease their pain a little.
The way I've een typing tonight, it doesn't seem like I'm sincere, it seems like if I was talking I would be talking using a monotone voice. I guess I'm a little tired, I didn't do a whole lot after waking up today, though, but that can make someone tired.
My second link is from a site that I found when in one of my moods, I thought wow, I think I'm ready to quit with my ed, well, I think that if someone else took charge and did something, kind of like the people in the hospital did, I may be able to quit. Some things you just can't help yourself with, I think it's the control issue, I decide when to do what and how, with my ed, but the last few days at the hospital they told me that I had to stay and wait in the room after I ate, well, they were taking over, I thought that was cool and did it, I was actually more upset when they let me go to my bedroom there afterwards after telling me they were going to force me to digest my food. I thought about something weird, I think if I was hospitilized it would help me, because here at home, my mom knows that I do it and lets me, not that she really can stop me, but she dioesn't even try. Please, someone,.. am I making any sense at all here?!!!
The third site, medic 37, well, I like that one and in the calls part, well, the 3rd page has a story I wrote and sent to them, it's called Jayne, by a patient in Ohio, Mary. It basically is the story of me in 6th grade, when my life changed because that was the first time that I tried to commit suicide, and then we had and still have counseling from it, also, it explins kind of what made me first want to be a medic. And now firefighter :) Oh! Yesterday my mom picked me upjust to go and look at a really bad accident, MVA on the highway. A car or more had fallen into this gally on the side, it's a ditch in the grass by the exit we get off of to go to explorers, I was there earlier, before the accident. On the way home I said a lot, I said one, I hate that in a way this is an exciting thing for us to look at, like nosy bystanders, when een though we are both just interested, someone could have gotten killed in it, then I said mom, I almost missed my chance to grow up and become a paramedic and a firefighter, she said who told you that? I said what?!!! I mean, duh! I was talking about how again I almost killed myself and that way obviously I couldn't be a medic and ff, I'm glad I made it, everytime I tried to kill myself, and I hope if I ever try again that I won't die, I hope I have the control to never act stupid like that again, I know I do already, but like, I said I'd never do it again before and there I went.
The fourth link is for another medic site, I like that one a lot, too. Esp. the humor page, check that out if you want some humor, maybe after reading one of my long, boring serious entries, or the next link, which is a site for jokes, I never went there before, but found it to add it for readers that are interested in humor.
Well, I guess I better get and read and finish laundry and stuff, I have to be honest here, I am lonely, Ishould probably go into a chat room, but I think what I'll do is email a friend of mine. I hope she'll email me back with some extra long letters soon, I miss talking to her a lot, and oh, I don't know. Bye for now, take care!