I had a bad day. I can't complain, and haven't yet, but really, I have had much better days then today. Ok, so maybe I'll complain a little, but not take the better days for granted anymore.
I'm a pig, and I was talking to an annoretic friend earlier, and she is down to 85, I want to get down to 105. Maybe it is competition, I don't know. I almost got thrown out of the nurses office earlier, because she didn't think I had a lunch until I showed her that I did, I had thought carefully about it, and was happy to show it to her, and although she didn't approve of my can of diet rite and my fruit by the foot, she said well, I guess it's better then nothing.
I have been more tired then anything lately, and irritable, I wonder if it is because I'm not eating a whole bunch like before. I don't mind that, but i'm passing out in school really bad, I can't even force my eyes to stay open while I sleep anymore! I hate it. Also more people then i realized know at school about my eating disorder, like a long time ago, i took this book out of the library, Wasted, and the librarian asked me if I knew someone with an ed, another one did once, too. I said my friend is annoretic, which is true. Later I told her that I was sorry to hear about her daughter, but that yes, I had one too, she said I know.
She was very proud of herself, yesterday I think it was, she told me that her and the nurse was talking and that the nurse asked how I can get to her office all of the time, esp. without a pass and with food, we have security guards to help with things like enforcing us to stay in limited areas at certain times, and she said that she told the nurse I get there because of her, because she had talked to the security guards and told them that if I'm in the hallway with food that I really need to get down to the nurses office, and so that is supposably the reason I get by. That's not true, I don't run into them, I cutt across the courtyard and get there that way. Oh, well.
After school I wnet to another meeting and it was great, except I had to stand up and say my name, one good and one bad thing about myself. What I should have done was got up, and said, all of the way up until now, when Ms. B called my name, I have been really scared and nervous like most of you have been. I am not a very good speaker, and I get uncomfortable with things like standing up in front of crowds of people. I don't have that much self esteem, yet I care very much about others. I think that this program may help me try to use some of that caring on myself,
All of that was true, but what I actually said was, my name is Mary and one bad thing about myself is that I'm not a very good speaker, I kind of gve a nervous laugh them indicating, isn't this obvious? and I said but one good thing about myself is that I care very much about other people, I said the last part really low and started sitting down then, I heard Ms. B say that was so true. Other kids in the program said things like oh, that's so sweet. I has wrestled with what to say for a long time till it was my turn. And then I had to leave fater that, i was a few minutes late meeting Gracie in the office, although i didn't hear my name being called. I have been paged, and couldn't hear it in the room that we were meeting in, so when witgh a million calls I got ahold of Gracie, she came back to school tp pick me up and you could tell she was pissed. I wanted to scream it's not my fault! We were going to takle a walk in this park I haven't gooten to yet, but because of the time after her having to come back, and my irresponsibilty for not meeting her at the right time, she didn't wnat to enable me which is a word she said a lot today. That means that she doesn't want me to think that inconviencing her that was is ok, and so in a way she was punishing me. Oh, well. I'm not used to that form counselors, but maybe she was right.IK did apologize a gizillion times, though. i didn't mean to cause her so much trouble!!!!
She asked me if anything was changing, and I said, well, kind of but mom is still going out to the boat, and when she can't because the counselors want someone around me, not on;ly to make sure I don't hurt myself but to keep me from feeling so alone and depressed and neglected sometimes, well, I told her how mom says atuff a lot like how she is trying to follow the counselors rules and stuff, but she is a grown up and should be allowed to go out, and many times since I've been home I have heard how like, for instance, the gambling boat sent her an early birthday card, includinga free room for two nights and free dinner and stuff, and she showed me it and said how nice it was but due to my incident she just can't go. I asked her to stop, but she said, no, I understand, i can't. She;s blaming me, but what else is new???
Anyway, since Gracie understood that my mom will be mom and nothing totally great is changing yet, well, she mentioned residential treatment to me, it's where I stay in some group home for an average of a year and I sleep there, eat there, go to school, et ecetra, and it sounded too good to be true. She had asked me, but told me I could if I wanted, to not say anything to mom before she talks to Steve and the supervisors and everyything, and then her and steve may come to talk to me and mom about it, I said most likey she will say no. I said I want to do it, but she said it was about $300 a day there, and I told her about our insurance and she said she didn't think it would cover it, and also how mom will think that it'l look bad for hetr in court, dad may say something like see, even mary can't live with her.
At explorers tonight we did some stuff, like messed with a geiser machine, where you stand and take a sledgehammer and knock the thing under you to a certain point, and I did that, so now my arms are sore, it hurts to type, even. But as far as I know, I'm in it still. And I'm glad a certain persn wasn't there to witness me taking two bites of a chicken sandwich and then throwing it up. Oh, well. My excuse planned was that they put ketchup on it with the lite lttuce, but it was lite, too, and din't really bother me.
I'm so tired now, I hate it. I have to do homeork, dry swimming suit, and hope I don't drown if my arms still hurt like this, and go to sleep, I'm exhausted. Night take care